my CURSE

a message somebody mailed me last November 8, 2008. I think we were talking about people I'vee been with and stuff or like my lovelife or something. He wrote something really nice and i really really like it a lot that's why im posting it. Too bad i just read it now to actually talk more with the guy coz i really can't remember what we'd talk about in detail... anyway, this was what he wrote:

About your shout out .. ya, I think the problem is that U will intimidate many guys. And since U do have a TIGHT bod, men can't help but see that first .. even I am NOT immune to your innate power of seduction ..
YIKES!

Beauty is curse just as much as it is a blessing. My advice to U is pretty much the same as I give to all my friends, but with a bit more caution because the FORCE is strong with U .. lol.

So its a given that men will flock to U for obvious reason and that is NOT a bad thing. I think its safe to say U'd like a passionate man that is a little crazy for U .. but this part will be fairly easy, just look for a guy that can be expressive with U and the chemistry should ignite great passion.

Now the tough part, how do U make the guy like YOU .. NOT just for the bod U have,
but for the person UR. This is where finding your soulmate and companion gets so difficult .. probably because its hard to find a guy that can truly be all things for U. So its almost a certainity that some compromises will have to be made, but U should never settle.

First of all, I think its fairly easy to spot the guys that can ONLY see your bod. Conversations will nearly always drift to how the guy feels about U .. and while this is sweet, its typically his homonal response to your seductive powers .. he needs U .. he wants U .. he misses U .. ALL SELFISH needs of his.

Look for the guys that show more interest in U and your feelings .. your family .. your goals, needs, dreams, etc. He should also be at ease with U to talk about anything in a raw unfiltered fashion .. just like U'd talk with a long time friend. Remember most of life is non-romantic time and so how U interact during this time should probably carry considerable weight.

Since everyone's needs and their definition of Love are different, U need to clearly discover what those absolute needs are, and which are desires that UR willing to compromise on. Knowing what U want will help U limit the field of guys quickly. Above all, be observant .. the player can usually be spotted if U just look for the signs.

Don't give up .. there really are good guys still out there .. its unfortunate that U attract the wrong ones .. good luck .. t/c.

Bri

Quite nice huh? o now i remember.. my shout-out was WANTED ONLY FOR F***ING :P neat!

never thought i'd miss somebody this much... but i do

1:30 am... just woke up, darkness surrounded me.then i noticed my pillow right in front of my face, my arms wrapped around it tightly. I threw it away, i just had a dream and in that dream i was hugging somebody tightly coz i miss him and in there he just came back and i was hugging him... happily.

as i type these words, tears are falling down my eyes. I never thought it could be possible. I know it is not impossible to miss somebody but missing somebody this much, subconsciously. I never thought I would miss somebody this much, that he'd be in my dream and in my dream I would see his face perfectly, clearly...

This rarely happens and I'm so afraid that I'm so into somebody so deeply he'd even be in my subconscious. I've dreamed of people with clear faces before but never with like the leading man, my partner. Friends, parents, pets, visions of them are clear but with the man in my dreams, it never was.

I can just see all of him there but never the face. The long hair, how tall he is, the size of his body but never, just never that clearly.

I hate myself for doing this. I just asked God for amnesia and thought if ever there's a machine or something I could take to erase a memory.

It is not that I want to forget him but having him there would be difficult because I know he would be leaving and his plans could never be altered irregardless of my presence.

I do want to forget, gradually. It would be less painful that way. I told him that, i asked him that when he tried to let go. I asked for it to die a natural death. I just can't bear sudden death circumstances except maybe for accidents.

And now I'm crying coz it's hard. Hard for me to forget him and hard for me to accept that maybe my subconscious already chose a man for me, a man i could probably never have for myself.

I tried to let go, i tried my hardest to let go and over the past weeks i did. I thought I did but with what happened a while ago is just too hard to bear. I don't wanna sulk again and think what i did wrong, what happened for things to go wrong and stuff. I have other things I should worry about but this one just sucks.

I never thought I'd miss somebody this much... but I do.

and I hate every minute of it.

til judgment day

I can’t believe it, a stranger just made me cry. It wasn't entirely his fault but it was what he said, a reason about something, about my worth, my worth to somebody who matters to me.

I admit my past isn’t that great. Aside from the achievements I made academically, I don’t think my past really equates to something. Especially the things I did for my emotions, they just aren’t the things I can be proud of.

But why do people judge and torture me for my past. The past I had isn’t entirely my fault, my own doing. Of course I did have the greater part of the role but when it comes to emotions, I also deal with other people and nobody can ever control somebody else’s actions.

It’s painful that I am being tormented and judged for that very thing that has stained me though it wasn’t my fault. It really hurts that I am compared to somebody he really looks up to and respects. I cannot be like her though I really want to. I can not be perfect. I can not be pure and clean but I want to tell him that it wasn’t entirely, it never was my fault. I was just too trusting, too gullible with everything. I always trust the person I love a 100% until he proves to me that I should not.

I was too trusting and I have suffered the consequences. Until now I can never face that person who mutilated me. I even remember running away one time I was about to bump into him face to face in a mall. I just can’t face him and be reminded again of what he did.

It just pains me that I am being judged and convicted of something that is out of my control. I am hurt because I was branded as something unfit and just disgraceful. A friend I talked to asked me why that somebody has to compare me with somebody else and not accept me for who I really am my past and all of me.

Until now I am waiting for the judgment that he will lay on me. I know I can never be the girl of his standards but still I am waiting for the harsh conviction that he will give me. I know what it is but still I am hoping that he will change his mind and accept me and what I have done.

I thought the time apart has made me accept the fact about what I have with him but it didn’t. The tears that fell when somebody I’d just talked to just proves that I am still hoping for a fair and objective judgment from him. Till that day comes I know that I will be crying and will be feeling the pain I feel right now. But I know I’d be a li’l bit happy until that day comes. And since it is the only thing that gives me happiness, I’ll hold on to it no matter the pain I feel.

flashbacks at the appliance shop

A PAIN STRICKEN TRIP TO THE STORE

Before going home, I stopped by the mall to drop my sister’s entries for her wanting to win a new car. Having nothing to do, Marc told me to go window shop for some things at the appliance store. We looked at the coffee makers, laughed at my stupidity as to how a certain fan rotates, and looked at some refrigerators, tried to find one which looked just like the one in my now close friend ex’s kitchen. Marc said some words that made me realized something painful and inevitable. I went on ahead to relieve myself of the pain, trying to pretend that the words didn’t bother me, and looked at some laundry machines trying hard to replace my emotion with the mental picture of my friend’s laundry machine I saw at her home. As I was coping with the pain we went on to the TV’s and looking at the clear, big screens of the LCD TV, scenes of dreams for my life suddenly flashed and took over me.

As the Street Fighter characters simulate a fight before me, my father’s liking for the TV and a dream he told me reminded me of whom he wanted me to be. I remembered him persuade/advise/ask-ing me that I want to become a lawyer someday. I can’t remember what I answered him. Suffering from low self-esteem because of my thin and ugly looks, I think I declined the idea seeing how confident and in the spotlight lawyers were in the movies I saw. Not following my dad’s wish didn’t hurt me at all but not being able to fulfill what I could have become really got to me.

I wanted to leave the place, hating myself for how shallow and simple I took and lived the past twenty five years of my life. I know I have other things to blame for how I turned up to be, but not being strong enough to prove and show the world what I could have become really made me sad. Letting the people that mean most to me down was even more painful. I blamed myself for not knowing how and what life really is. I consider myself quite knowledgeable at school and some things but the knowledge I had back then was just put to waste with the way I think and acted. I wasted my time. I shoved the chance of my becoming something further away and my giving the people I love the things they really need and dream and want.

Eating one of my favorite food didn’t help take my mind of what happened at the store. My insides cried for that which I wasted and neglected. What he said and what I realized inside justified the fact that it is I alone who holds the key to my happiness and my need for self importance. Going to the store didn’t just made me sad and realize where I am now, financially. It made me realize how much time, effort and emotion I wasted with what I did and with what I still do now. I know I need to act if I want to fulfill that which I dream but the pain has taken over me and sometimes it leaves me sleepless and crying in the night. Emptiness, betrayal, and hopelessness overwhelm me and my emotions hinder me to do something about all these things for now…

Saturday, September 6, 2008