never thought i'd miss somebody this much... but i do

1:30 am... just woke up, darkness surrounded me.then i noticed my pillow right in front of my face, my arms wrapped around it tightly. I threw it away, i just had a dream and in that dream i was hugging somebody tightly coz i miss him and in there he just came back and i was hugging him... happily.

as i type these words, tears are falling down my eyes. I never thought it could be possible. I know it is not impossible to miss somebody but missing somebody this much, subconsciously. I never thought I would miss somebody this much, that he'd be in my dream and in my dream I would see his face perfectly, clearly...

This rarely happens and I'm so afraid that I'm so into somebody so deeply he'd even be in my subconscious. I've dreamed of people with clear faces before but never with like the leading man, my partner. Friends, parents, pets, visions of them are clear but with the man in my dreams, it never was.

I can just see all of him there but never the face. The long hair, how tall he is, the size of his body but never, just never that clearly.

I hate myself for doing this. I just asked God for amnesia and thought if ever there's a machine or something I could take to erase a memory.

It is not that I want to forget him but having him there would be difficult because I know he would be leaving and his plans could never be altered irregardless of my presence.

I do want to forget, gradually. It would be less painful that way. I told him that, i asked him that when he tried to let go. I asked for it to die a natural death. I just can't bear sudden death circumstances except maybe for accidents.

And now I'm crying coz it's hard. Hard for me to forget him and hard for me to accept that maybe my subconscious already chose a man for me, a man i could probably never have for myself.

I tried to let go, i tried my hardest to let go and over the past weeks i did. I thought I did but with what happened a while ago is just too hard to bear. I don't wanna sulk again and think what i did wrong, what happened for things to go wrong and stuff. I have other things I should worry about but this one just sucks.

I never thought I'd miss somebody this much... but I do.

and I hate every minute of it.

til judgment day

I can’t believe it, a stranger just made me cry. It wasn't entirely his fault but it was what he said, a reason about something, about my worth, my worth to somebody who matters to me.

I admit my past isn’t that great. Aside from the achievements I made academically, I don’t think my past really equates to something. Especially the things I did for my emotions, they just aren’t the things I can be proud of.

But why do people judge and torture me for my past. The past I had isn’t entirely my fault, my own doing. Of course I did have the greater part of the role but when it comes to emotions, I also deal with other people and nobody can ever control somebody else’s actions.

It’s painful that I am being tormented and judged for that very thing that has stained me though it wasn’t my fault. It really hurts that I am compared to somebody he really looks up to and respects. I cannot be like her though I really want to. I can not be perfect. I can not be pure and clean but I want to tell him that it wasn’t entirely, it never was my fault. I was just too trusting, too gullible with everything. I always trust the person I love a 100% until he proves to me that I should not.

I was too trusting and I have suffered the consequences. Until now I can never face that person who mutilated me. I even remember running away one time I was about to bump into him face to face in a mall. I just can’t face him and be reminded again of what he did.

It just pains me that I am being judged and convicted of something that is out of my control. I am hurt because I was branded as something unfit and just disgraceful. A friend I talked to asked me why that somebody has to compare me with somebody else and not accept me for who I really am my past and all of me.

Until now I am waiting for the judgment that he will lay on me. I know I can never be the girl of his standards but still I am waiting for the harsh conviction that he will give me. I know what it is but still I am hoping that he will change his mind and accept me and what I have done.

I thought the time apart has made me accept the fact about what I have with him but it didn’t. The tears that fell when somebody I’d just talked to just proves that I am still hoping for a fair and objective judgment from him. Till that day comes I know that I will be crying and will be feeling the pain I feel right now. But I know I’d be a li’l bit happy until that day comes. And since it is the only thing that gives me happiness, I’ll hold on to it no matter the pain I feel.