til judgment day

I can’t believe it, a stranger just made me cry. It wasn't entirely his fault but it was what he said, a reason about something, about my worth, my worth to somebody who matters to me.

I admit my past isn’t that great. Aside from the achievements I made academically, I don’t think my past really equates to something. Especially the things I did for my emotions, they just aren’t the things I can be proud of.

But why do people judge and torture me for my past. The past I had isn’t entirely my fault, my own doing. Of course I did have the greater part of the role but when it comes to emotions, I also deal with other people and nobody can ever control somebody else’s actions.

It’s painful that I am being tormented and judged for that very thing that has stained me though it wasn’t my fault. It really hurts that I am compared to somebody he really looks up to and respects. I cannot be like her though I really want to. I can not be perfect. I can not be pure and clean but I want to tell him that it wasn’t entirely, it never was my fault. I was just too trusting, too gullible with everything. I always trust the person I love a 100% until he proves to me that I should not.

I was too trusting and I have suffered the consequences. Until now I can never face that person who mutilated me. I even remember running away one time I was about to bump into him face to face in a mall. I just can’t face him and be reminded again of what he did.

It just pains me that I am being judged and convicted of something that is out of my control. I am hurt because I was branded as something unfit and just disgraceful. A friend I talked to asked me why that somebody has to compare me with somebody else and not accept me for who I really am my past and all of me.

Until now I am waiting for the judgment that he will lay on me. I know I can never be the girl of his standards but still I am waiting for the harsh conviction that he will give me. I know what it is but still I am hoping that he will change his mind and accept me and what I have done.

I thought the time apart has made me accept the fact about what I have with him but it didn’t. The tears that fell when somebody I’d just talked to just proves that I am still hoping for a fair and objective judgment from him. Till that day comes I know that I will be crying and will be feeling the pain I feel right now. But I know I’d be a li’l bit happy until that day comes. And since it is the only thing that gives me happiness, I’ll hold on to it no matter the pain I feel.

flashbacks at the appliance shop

A PAIN STRICKEN TRIP TO THE STORE

Before going home, I stopped by the mall to drop my sister’s entries for her wanting to win a new car. Having nothing to do, Marc told me to go window shop for some things at the appliance store. We looked at the coffee makers, laughed at my stupidity as to how a certain fan rotates, and looked at some refrigerators, tried to find one which looked just like the one in my now close friend ex’s kitchen. Marc said some words that made me realized something painful and inevitable. I went on ahead to relieve myself of the pain, trying to pretend that the words didn’t bother me, and looked at some laundry machines trying hard to replace my emotion with the mental picture of my friend’s laundry machine I saw at her home. As I was coping with the pain we went on to the TV’s and looking at the clear, big screens of the LCD TV, scenes of dreams for my life suddenly flashed and took over me.

As the Street Fighter characters simulate a fight before me, my father’s liking for the TV and a dream he told me reminded me of whom he wanted me to be. I remembered him persuade/advise/ask-ing me that I want to become a lawyer someday. I can’t remember what I answered him. Suffering from low self-esteem because of my thin and ugly looks, I think I declined the idea seeing how confident and in the spotlight lawyers were in the movies I saw. Not following my dad’s wish didn’t hurt me at all but not being able to fulfill what I could have become really got to me.

I wanted to leave the place, hating myself for how shallow and simple I took and lived the past twenty five years of my life. I know I have other things to blame for how I turned up to be, but not being strong enough to prove and show the world what I could have become really made me sad. Letting the people that mean most to me down was even more painful. I blamed myself for not knowing how and what life really is. I consider myself quite knowledgeable at school and some things but the knowledge I had back then was just put to waste with the way I think and acted. I wasted my time. I shoved the chance of my becoming something further away and my giving the people I love the things they really need and dream and want.

Eating one of my favorite food didn’t help take my mind of what happened at the store. My insides cried for that which I wasted and neglected. What he said and what I realized inside justified the fact that it is I alone who holds the key to my happiness and my need for self importance. Going to the store didn’t just made me sad and realize where I am now, financially. It made me realize how much time, effort and emotion I wasted with what I did and with what I still do now. I know I need to act if I want to fulfill that which I dream but the pain has taken over me and sometimes it leaves me sleepless and crying in the night. Emptiness, betrayal, and hopelessness overwhelm me and my emotions hinder me to do something about all these things for now…

Saturday, September 6, 2008

wishful thinking

just read this a while ago, twas mailed by a friend…
mushy but cute… how i wish me too. Hope to find and be with hi who’ll love me just as the man who sent his wife Christmas roses…

Christmas Roses

A touching story…….
Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my date this Christmas," like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband’s favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Christmas before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you’d call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."

"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you’ll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card…he did this years ago."

"Then, should ever, I find out that he’s no longer here,
That’s the card…that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote…
"Hello my love, I know it’s been a year since I’ve been gone,
I hope it hasn’t been too hard for you to overcome."

"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."

"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it’s only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."

"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."

"Please…try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door’s not answered, when the florist stops to knock."

"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I’ve instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."

FISH

Haven't been in a relationship for a year and six months now? WOW! What the heck I did it! haha My officemates oughtta be proud of me. Come to think of it, they promised me a gift, a great reward if i could stay bf-less, guy-less for a month and i was able to in a year half. Darn! But anyway, me, I am proud but maybe a bit bothered by it because I wasn't really that wanting to be single... I mean I was trying for the last year but as of 2007, I wasn't but gheez, where are these men. To think I haven't had problems with finding men before but now, i could say I haven't caught a fish in my net.

Gosh, i never thought about that. Kimyah has finally lost her charms and can't snag a guy anymore? My... my... my... I don't think so. I refuse! haha I certainly object it. Well, it is because i'ts not really like i'm not casting my net in the best places, i mean i havent casted my net. It's more like a restaurant where you can choose which fish you want to be grilled in front of you from a tank full of it. I think i did tried to get to know my fish a bit but as i scrutinized them, man have they the defects which will certainly make me ill. I think there was one that was good but was already hooked by somebody else and the fish even told me to yknow, maybe i could SHARE with the one that has her strings on him, like two persons can enjoy and savor his fishliness at the same time just that i was the only one who has to wait till the fish can swim away once the strings arent that tight on him. I mean who the heck does that fish think he is, CAVIAR? hahaha (fish then caviar? i've to check up on my knowledge on fish varieties)

Yeah, i've to admit that was the closest i ever got to being in a relationship with a guy. My ex's fault. He was marketing, selling, promoting the guy, the fish with all his witted glory that I was on all fours, waiting for the day I can see and check the fish by myself. He marketed him well alright, he just didn't mention and didn't knew the fish's snaged. To think i kinda wastd effort and money checking the fish out. Daymn!

Anyway, i did stumble upon a cute, young fish some weeks ago. Just that that fish was good. he snaged me and even took me to test the waters with him and there I was, wading along. That fish was weird though coz it kinda begged me to swim along with him and so i did and the swim was quite good nevertheless...

Now, still single and still looking at different fish varieties, i learned so as not to get too close to the tank and be enamored by their different colors, swimming stokes and varieties. I know better now so as to keep my distance and maybe be in the environment they are in, snorkeling and just watching and admiring them as they swim alone. That fish just as every creature there is are meant to swim free and explore every reef or rock they encounter and just as they are, they are never exempted from being curious with the unfamiliar entity swimming with them, even swimming close and play along but just dart and swim away like the fish that they are. For i to am a fish swimming in unfamiliar waters waiting to be snaged from the watery grave im in, only to be transferred to better waters and nah what am i kidding. Im not even sure if i wanna get caught yet. I want to be but only with the right person who can take care of me. Maybe someday but i hope that if so, i wouldnt be placed on the porcelain plate of doom. Appreciated and savored to the last inch yet just plain dead and never moving.

REHASHED

I'm done... I've like spent a big part of my life waiting and hoping but nadah! Guess there's no other choice but to accept the hurtful fact, I'm just meant to be alone!

Rather than just getting hurt and wasting time hoping, guess i'm left with no choice but to join the club. I'm so done with the hoping and the waiting and the longer that i'm doing it, the number I get. I'm just so fed up and so pissed bout it. There really isn't somebody to give me that i've searvhed for ever since I was born but since i spent the past 24 years of my life without it, why the heck haven't I been used to it. I mean yeah, why the heck am i not used to it and done with it? I've experienced it for 24 years and still i'm hopin? What a freakin waste of my precious time.

Time to rewire and reprogram myself. I'm so done. I just wanna get it over with.

And this time, i'm gonna be firm with it's implementation. Time to test me out. A new me will be born and i'm gonna be enjoyin it...