04/26/2007
-1:32 am
after talking with a friend, I still felt bad and alone...
Not bad because of a problem not dealt with a solution or something but bad because of a pathetic problem that has been bugging me and of my pessimistic self. but then Being pessimistic, I have always worried bout what lies ahead of me and it isn't that simple anymore. the route I see myself following or going to is already there, a bit clear and definite. What bothers me more is that what waits for me at that route. Would taking the route make me happy than I am now. ts not that Im happy now or unhappy but more like worried again. It's quite silly but it does bother me. What does lie ahead of my life? Would graduating the sourse that I'm taking now bring me to another life quite unlike this one but more importantly, would it take me to a life where I am happy or fulfilled or something. It's not that I do not know what I want, what I want is quite clear to me.I wanna go out and work abroad nd earn and have stuff I don't have and won't have unless I leave the country. I mean that is the least of my problems. What really bothers me more is that would going out fill the void that is here inside me... Would I ever fill that which makes me incomplete with travels, stuff, and money? I don't know but so far, I don't think things could ever fill it up.
Funny but even if i'm tryinhg to stay single and alone, I really really feel the need of somebody special with me. Going abroad is the least of that which I want now. I used to have a drive before. There used to be a reason why I wanna go there, I used to have hope before and a meaning other than just green money.
I'm never the materialistic type. I've always known and have lived with just some stuff with me. Lifestyle is the very least of my worries, a person can always lower the way he lives to suit with that of which he has at the present.
Im just not that motivated to go on with life and with what I do. Indeed I do have a definite purpose but just doing it for my own and for my family who i see as not really having the needof that which I will do nor really deserve because of how they treat me, as motivations. I need somebody to you know, give all that I have to. I have always been selfosh with my stff but I don't know how ii just becoe gullible with giving stuff away when you know, I'm in that blissful situation thing. Maybe people just give away everything for stuff that could really really make them happy.
Frankly, I don't know what to do now. My going to school and the effort I do is more of the grades, the standard I've set to myself ever since i was young but its rather empty. There's nothing I see for it to go to.
God i need somebody to love and love me and it just really really confuses me a lot right now.
I know it's rea;;y not good to search or like let somebody fill up that space in me but what can I do, I've always been deprived since I was young, Nobody was ever proud of me nor was I like soemthing that was worth anything or like something very different. I JUST WANT TO FEEL SPECIAL, thats the path where I'm going, that's the path that I wanna go and follow and fufill.
Love is my very weakness that's why I'm trying to get away, as far away from it but how to hide from something that you know you've always wanted to have?
I don't know what to do. To continue with school and go out when I can just find somebody to marry and take me out? Or maybe find me somebody whom i could love and would love me and marry him and go out? Or not go out and wait for the guy who promised will come back for me when I don't really know if he will and has the 99% chance that he won't but i did love the guy and have feelings for him and could very well just waste some time of my life for him no matter how unreasonable it is but still would verry likely could kill myself if ever he would not...
See, I'm lost.Lost because i need to be loved. I love me bubut there just are spaces i can't fill .
I wish somehow I'd get to the bottom of this and solve this dilemma im in. I don't really know what to do. I mean i know what t do but I'm not sure if im that willing to risk and stuff.
Im soch a loser =)
I just want to have something waiting ahead of me. I just want to have an end, a purpose for walking the mile.
Please, please, pleae, somebody help me. pound my haead to the wall, pavement or something...
Please, anything.....
-1:32 am
after talking with a friend, I still felt bad and alone...
Not bad because of a problem not dealt with a solution or something but bad because of a pathetic problem that has been bugging me and of my pessimistic self. but then Being pessimistic, I have always worried bout what lies ahead of me and it isn't that simple anymore. the route I see myself following or going to is already there, a bit clear and definite. What bothers me more is that what waits for me at that route. Would taking the route make me happy than I am now. ts not that Im happy now or unhappy but more like worried again. It's quite silly but it does bother me. What does lie ahead of my life? Would graduating the sourse that I'm taking now bring me to another life quite unlike this one but more importantly, would it take me to a life where I am happy or fulfilled or something. It's not that I do not know what I want, what I want is quite clear to me.I wanna go out and work abroad nd earn and have stuff I don't have and won't have unless I leave the country. I mean that is the least of my problems. What really bothers me more is that would going out fill the void that is here inside me... Would I ever fill that which makes me incomplete with travels, stuff, and money? I don't know but so far, I don't think things could ever fill it up.
Funny but even if i'm tryinhg to stay single and alone, I really really feel the need of somebody special with me. Going abroad is the least of that which I want now. I used to have a drive before. There used to be a reason why I wanna go there, I used to have hope before and a meaning other than just green money.
I'm never the materialistic type. I've always known and have lived with just some stuff with me. Lifestyle is the very least of my worries, a person can always lower the way he lives to suit with that of which he has at the present.
Im just not that motivated to go on with life and with what I do. Indeed I do have a definite purpose but just doing it for my own and for my family who i see as not really having the needof that which I will do nor really deserve because of how they treat me, as motivations. I need somebody to you know, give all that I have to. I have always been selfosh with my stff but I don't know how ii just becoe gullible with giving stuff away when you know, I'm in that blissful situation thing. Maybe people just give away everything for stuff that could really really make them happy.
Frankly, I don't know what to do now. My going to school and the effort I do is more of the grades, the standard I've set to myself ever since i was young but its rather empty. There's nothing I see for it to go to.
God i need somebody to love and love me and it just really really confuses me a lot right now.
I know it's rea;;y not good to search or like let somebody fill up that space in me but what can I do, I've always been deprived since I was young, Nobody was ever proud of me nor was I like soemthing that was worth anything or like something very different. I JUST WANT TO FEEL SPECIAL, thats the path where I'm going, that's the path that I wanna go and follow and fufill.
Love is my very weakness that's why I'm trying to get away, as far away from it but how to hide from something that you know you've always wanted to have?
I don't know what to do. To continue with school and go out when I can just find somebody to marry and take me out? Or maybe find me somebody whom i could love and would love me and marry him and go out? Or not go out and wait for the guy who promised will come back for me when I don't really know if he will and has the 99% chance that he won't but i did love the guy and have feelings for him and could very well just waste some time of my life for him no matter how unreasonable it is but still would verry likely could kill myself if ever he would not...
See, I'm lost.Lost because i need to be loved. I love me bubut there just are spaces i can't fill .
I wish somehow I'd get to the bottom of this and solve this dilemma im in. I don't really know what to do. I mean i know what t do but I'm not sure if im that willing to risk and stuff.
Im soch a loser =)
I just want to have something waiting ahead of me. I just want to have an end, a purpose for walking the mile.
Please, please, pleae, somebody help me. pound my haead to the wall, pavement or something...
Please, anything.....
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