THE SINGLE LIFE

Yes, i am single. Single and living it. Living and loving it...
Ok, not that much loving it. Just some days that i am actually loving it.

Cold as i may be, i still do long for that someone who'll fill me up, keep me together, keep me warm, make me complete and stuff.
But even though i do long for that someone, doesn't really mean that I am looking. I might be looking but im not that open, not that friendly, not that welcome and accomodating.
Indeed i've met great people in my life and though they are that great, that good, i'm still not giving anybody that chance, that opportunity to love and hurt me again.

I mean I've just really been with someone and indeed he did made me feel loved, and pretty, and important and stuff but still, im so afraid to actually be in love though i did felt something, be really sweet, be all cuddly, yet i held back for I know he wasn't there to really stay and be with me and so I really didn't but i did at least try have some memories with him. (THANK YOU FOR THAT)
Knowing what you actually really really want is scary coz you might end up alone and cold and blue but nah, id rather have myself to hurt myself than just be with another jerk who'll do such.
It's really really hard to find that certain someone nowadays and even if i may cross paths with one, past experiences prevents me to actually be blah with someone.

Argh! Who am I kidding.. I only like writing when im in love, when im happy and when im UP, not low, really low like this...

Bottom line is, im still holding myself back. Im still doubtful, still paranoid, still that afraid to really give someone the responsibility of doing all those stuff to me. Giving someone that opportunity to love/hurt me again is just so hard and so im sticking to being cold and skeptic and pessimistic.
Till such time i'll find real love, the love that lasts forever WITH ME =)
They say it pays to wait and so i am waiting and hoping but not that hopeful...

-Till then-

might be the very reason while till now, im still lovin and singing this song

-- BREAKDOWN --

You called yesterday to basically say
That you care for me but that you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended to be feelin similarly
And led you to believe I was O.k.
To just walk away from the one thing
That's unyielding and sacred to me

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the 'guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside

Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry

So what do you do when somebody you're so devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you and it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through

Do you cling to your pride and sing "I will survive"
Do you lash out and say: "How dare you leave this way"
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away

just nothin…

It seemed to be like the perfect thing for you and me
It’s so ironic you’re what I had pictured you to be
But there are facts in our lives
We can never change
Just tell me that you understand and feel the same
This perfect romance that I’ve created in my mind
I’d live a thousand lives
Each one with you right by my side
But yet we find ourselves in a less than perfect circumstance
And so it seems like we’ll never have the chance
Ain’t it funny how some feelings you just can’t deny
And you can’t move on even though you try
Ain’t it strange when you’re feeling things you shouldn’t feel
Oh, I wish this could be real
Ain’t it funny how a moment could just change your life
And you don’t want to face what’s wrong or right
Ain’t it strange how fate can play a part
In the story of your heart
Sometimes I think that a true love can never be
I just believe that somehow it wasn’t meant for me
Life can be cruel in a way that I can’t explain
And I don’t think that I could face it all again
I barely know you but somehow I know what you’re about
A deeper love I’ve found in you
And I no longer doubt
You’ve touched my heart and it altered every plan I’ve made
And now I feel that I don’t have to be afraid
I locked away my heart
But you just set it free
Emotions I felt
Held me back from what my life should be
I pushed you far away
And yet you stayed with me
I guess this means
That you and me were meant to be

LIES

12/08/2005

Dear Kimmy,

I woke up this morning thinking what a beautiful day it is but I also asked why. I got out of bed put on my tattered white shirt and went straight to the square glass table to where the coffee is. I poured a cup and smelled its aroma…again the thought of a great day came to me…Is it the dose of caffeine? I looked down on my cupful and stirred.

As I took my last sip I went out the screen door, squeaky and old due to its years, inhaled the morning’s breath not minding the rusty red gate in my view. Hmmm…what a wonderful day…again I thought. I don’t usually think about school most of the time. I have always believed that life is more than theories and return demonstrations. This couldn’t be what was making this day pretty. But somehow I felt a bit funny. Dismissing this as a not-so-silent cry of my stomach for food I went inside my humble abode, pass the old sofa and back again to the square glass table. It was set already. A pulled out a chair and propped myself down. Corned beef and eggs as the chef’s delight this morning. I reached for the spoon. Again I thought, is this what makes this day wondrous? I glanced to the now-empty ceramic plate in front of me. It could be.

A familiar sound greeted me as I went out the bathroom with my Mickey Mouse towel around my waist. A good bath is always good to freshen up ones morning. I reached for my cell phone and pressed “off”. You told me to put my phone on alarm mode. 6:35AM it reads. Twenty-five minutes until my first class.

As I did the last button of my well-pressed white nurse’s uniform ready to leave my dear habitat, I paused and smiled. What really makes this day wonderful? I asked myself again. What makes every day wonderful?

The truth is I already know the answer.

The answer to my every question is YOU. You make me want to wake up even if I still long to stay in the comforts of my bed under the warmth of my blanket relieving the stress of my days work.

It is your scent that I want to savor with every morning mist. It is you that I wish I could be with even if we only have corned beef and eggs. And even with godforsaken instructors, it is your God-given beauty that makes me wear my uniform and endure all backbreaking exams and assignments.

It is you that is more than my life.

How come, you may think I still asked such questions? I was just proving that nothing else makes life more meaningful and worth living but you.

Jerome

ahaha... Whew... What a story written by someone whom i used to be with and YES, i was in love (again) so damn in love (that time)

and see how deceiving people could be.. they who promised you everything, him whom you talked all your plans with, how you'll live your life together and shit. Yes, i was angry and very disappointed. How come someone could write something if it isn't true? I felt it was but what went wrong? i know something did but i was deceived, that was the bottomline. have i forgiven the guy? i think i did or haven't at times and we still do disturb each other with occasional msgs, stabbing sometimes and i dunno, i don't wanna presume. maybe wondering Why it just ended.

Oh wel, one of the very reasons ive decided not to trust, if not, never to trust again. I'll always have doubts in my mind and ive tried to turn my heart to stone. SNOWQUEEN i call me sometimes and i do have this unique ability to be really stirn yet i cry them all out sometimes at night.

yes, i've changed after my relationship with him. I'm not as showy as i was before, doesn't pour out the same emotions and actions i did before but i dunno. blame my past for turning me like this, blame me for risking and trusting someone...

Oh well, life does goes on and to where it will lead me, with a man or not, at least i'll try to be happy, coz i know i so deserve to be. I made and inspired someone to write such a wonderful story once, i just might be able to do that again. But how, now that im stone?

oh well, im a piece of crap anyway...

tootles

If it is written, then it is true...

"If It Is Written, Then It Is True..."

It's what Matthew Broderick said in a movie after somebody read hiS journal without his consent. And i write because i find it odd that it is somewhat true. True because people give a big deal about something that is written, thinking that one wouldn't go through such trouble writing something that isn't true.

Now why is it so? Why is it that people believe one's IDEAS once written are true. So is it really true? Like if i say you are dumb, would that mean you really are dumb? One is always entitled to ones thoughts and these thoughts REALITY varies from one individual to another individual. Others would agree to what you're saying or noticed while others just didn't see what you saw. There is a reason why ideas are not called FACTS because not all of em are TRUE or ACCEPTABLE.

Misunderstanding, miscommunication, has always been the reason of war. But how bout being JUDGMENTAL when one hasn't heard one's reason, one's side, and all the side of the story(?), doesn't that count too? Why do people always judge even before they get to know what's behind a certain thing? Why do they have to be inconsiderate with other people? Why can't they be a lil nice and make living on this world less painful, less difficult? Does seeing people in pain, in anguish, bring Joy and Happiness?

Argh i dont know. All i know is that Im not being one or if I am being one and was one, i wanna say "SORRY" for them whose life i've made complicated...

And as for me, well, there are certain things that i write which are true and there are some which aren't. Maybe because of humor and of i dont know, wanting to spice some things up. People would really tend to think low of you esp if you post or say stuff (forums) which are bout SEX and all related things to it.

But why can people not put in mind that saying is very DIFFERENT from doing. Saying stuff doesnt always mean people do or DID what they say. I mean whatever would be the use of "ONE MUST PRACTICE WHAT THEY PREACH" if people really are doing those that they say they will do?

Argh Lameness, narrow, shallow, dense, whatever...
They just torment me so much...
CRAP!

SUPERFICIAL

would you choose to be Beauty
or be contented as the Beast?
Beauty has evrybody's eyes on her
and Beast has them too but, scorns
Beast of course, feels insecure and inferior
Beast has no ego, not a pride
not even a face to hold up high.
Beauty of course has this, FACE
which everybody adores and sometimes praise
And yet she is aloof, and is but alone
despises people who're after what's superficial
believed beauty should come from inside
but she's sad, seems this very beauty hides...
And time, fate, does crossed their paths
talking bout opposites, attract...
What separates them, only but eyes can see
a feeling but binds them
a feeling not everybody sees...
and yet something came
and it seems to break them apart
standards and culture dictates
does that mean they have to, say, separate?
Beast's ego was touched
and it was but Beauty's fault
she touched his pride
though she only meant
to open his mind wide.
a broken self esteem, he says..
you don't have to say what beast knows
you like slapped his face
a friend queen says
how LAME Beauty thought
why doesn't these people get what i see
superficial might matter to them
but, it never ever matters to me
for when one has a face, you can never see
the real motive a person, has for thee
for beauty has been used
she's been really hurt and torned apart
beauty vowed not to trust again
beauty cried and held on to her heart
Beauty loves Beast
but Beast's ego prevented him to see
the real love she has for him,
and the beauty he had inside
which only Beauty can see...
made: November 10, 2005 1606
argh... haha yep, the poet in me comes out if im low, or high or whatever...
and i made this for someone i was once with, someone whom i loved but kinda kidded around thinking that his godly ego would like come down from where it was only to uncover that he hasn't any and that i was making his pain his whatever plummet way down...
i mean i was hurt too, because i thought he has accepted his self as what it is. It really isnt that NICE a site but how lame to just base love and everything as to what's superficial? I mean i was like did you just come to me bcoz of what you see outside? Wasn't my love, my presence enough, doesn't it make up for those he lacks?
how can one ever love somebody else if he doesn't love his own?
i dont know but I am sorry for what i did and i hope that someday he'll realize that there's something in him that i saw. I hope he sees that too...