the REBEL

WHAT I HATE THE MOST

Orders and Authority
I hate it when people order me around and tell me what to do and insist that i do it
If it's not work related and if i'm not doing anything bad/wrong, then I don't see any reason why i should do what the person told me to.
And insisting i do it and saying it again and again and again just ticks me... I'm not stupid and I very well know what's RIGHT from WRONG so please, don't ever ever do that.

I only do what i want to do or if i want to please the person who told me to do it or if i don't have the authority to rebel or if i don't want to disappoint the person...
take note, keyword here is "I"

me... me... and ME

--

THE REBEL

Eyup, i'm a rebel. I hate and have problems with authority. Im a cat and like most cats, even those lions and trained tigers, i still growl everytime somebody lashes that whip, telling me what i have to do (even at least growl to myself)

It's because of the idea, of my principle, of something that i really value, FREEDOM. I mean isn't it your very joy to just do what you really want to do, no holds barred. Well, not literally coz even if we do get to do what we want, there still are and should be limitations we've set deep inside as to what and what not to do, as to if this certain act could hurt or bring joy to people, if what i am doing is right or wrong.

And so, the rebel that i am, i just hate it when people tend to ask me things, as to what they should do. Not really those work, school types but say socially. Like what is it that I should do to make you happy, make me happy? I mean c'mon, can't you find that out for yourself? This type of rebel hates giving orders too, coz i wouldn't want to be ordered so why the heck should i do the same?

I mean, isn't there more weight if the person himself decided to do that certain thing to you because he wanted to and not because you ordered him too. Well, sometimes, somebody really has to ask but what the heck? Why can't they just be observant and find it out themselves...

and want proof, this came out when i answered some questions...

"--You are neat, clean and tidy. You don't like to be pushed around and you won't do something just because you're expected to. You don't live by the rules--you prefer to make up your own instead. If you are interested in an issue, you will find out more about it because you want to, not because you have been told to. --"

my little shell

"i will not take much of ur time kim... but i really feel ur hidden pain that you try to cover with all means... i just want you to know that when u hide inside a shell and create ur own world and own thoughts, in a way to make urself believe that it fully works for you makes me so sad for you... coz i know that u r so much fooling urself with non reality.... u draw a happy face from the outside to fool and trick people.. but u bleed from the inside... thats why u aim for it is called temporary happyness to cool off the wounds, and u condition urself that this is what is right for you... u condition urself that this works for u so perfectly... and you know so dam sure its a big lie... wake up dear... we are not in a perfect world, people on it simply suck.. "

A message from somebody...

and i wouldn't wanna say more stuff. I'm just at a loss of words and i wouldn't wanna defend myself for i know his message is true.

I just wanna say this, I've been through a lot that I really really avoid opening myself up to people. It's like pieces of broken glass glued together or glass that's already shattered and just a small quiver would just make it break down. It's that complicated, that helpless, that hopeless...

And told that if only i havent been through them, if only i was known before i came through em all, it would've been easier... But i don't know.. Giving up who i am now, neverminding the truth and the reality i've seen... Would i still want to go back to the naive ole me? Maybe if given the chance to go back, i still wouldn't change all that has happened to me but change that which was instilled in me. I would change and take away all those fantasies and those happy endings and happy ever afters i used to believe and which i couldn't wait to feel once i grow up.

Conditioning might be really really unhealthy as they say but i'd rather be unhealthy than just lose my legs and fall and shatter and perish...

I still want to stay in the shell im in and i don't know when i'm coming out or if ever i will go out. Maybe if the world changed or maybe if i'm stronger but till such time, i'll remain in my castle of fantasies.

at least, in here, it's a whole lot prettier.

way way prettier...

LOST... DEMENTED

I never thought my past would affect other people so much. I can never find a reason why they should be worried coz they're not revolving around me, my actions never affect a part of their life in any way.

Anyway, just yesterday, i was forced to dig up the skeletons in my closet that i've long buried and even if i really don't want to, since im affecting that person's life somehow, i did what i was told. I told him my story which happened when i was turning 18. But then, trying to forget it so much and trying to relive those that happened made me not divulge the real reason why i did some stuff.

It might have been caused by a certain individual but then, i forgot that i did uncovered the real reason why i did it and since im pinpointing so much on the REASON why i did it. Well, i think it's time to retell that which i told some people before.

Ever doubted something or SOMEBODY? i did and i did it again last night. Because it was like, all the years of my life, i did good, i've been good. Educational achievements and the like, i tried to get all of em. I was always giving it my all, giving it the best of what i can give, but still, it was unrewarding. It never gave back anything good, except maybe for giving me grades but still, what's the satisfaction, the weight of that which you just see on paper or ribbons or medals?

It might be a satisfaction for you, it could be ll your glory but see, i never did em for me. I did them because i wanted to show to certain people that i am good enough too. That i am special, that having me wasn't a mistake, that having me brings something good after all.

See, there was something that happened that I could never ever bury. It was that time when i heard my mother who was talking to a friend say "THAT IF ONLY MY BROTHER DIDN'T CAME ALONG, SHE AND DAD WOUL'VE BROKEN UP" or something like that. See i never understood it. Did dad hated me because i wasn't a boy? Was that the reason why he would scold me so much back then (coz i do remember him doing that esp when pee would just flow down my legs which i dnt really have control way back those times)...

It was that and that i wasn't good enough. I can't dance nor sing like my talented sister could. And that im so thin, i was unlike my cousins or even other children in the neighborhood. Maybe mom hated those times when poeple would ask why i was different from my siblings, if she ever gave me vitamins and stuff... Maybe, just maybe she hated that. I wasn't even really taken to children's parties too when they used to have it in their offices. It would always be just my sister because she can sing and dance and please the other parents while puny me will just sit there or cry or just follow my mother or aunt around when they want to mingle and be alone and socialize with their friends.

It had always been that way. I couldn't even remember my parents teach me abc's or stuff. I dont really know but maybe because i was young that i could remember it. All i can remember is me inviting myself over when they teach my older sister her ABC's or how to write and stuff. I could maybe remember my aunt but she wasn't there long enough. I can very well see animals fending on their own when they were young but baby chicks still have mom by their side. I, I have nobody.

I have been alone ever since or maybe feel alone but still, what could be worse than being alone? It really is unhealthy especially if you see other parents on their child's side, trying to teach them and i who had done it was alone, had no encouragement or stuff. And imagine this, i was one of the only two students who got a full scholarship out of the whole school and on graduation day, i just stood alone on the stage, on everybody's eyes because my mom said she would come later, it's not gonna start on the exact time the program was support to start and blah. (Yeah right mom, made up excuses!!!) I stood there and i cried a bit and looked away trying to hide the tears. And I can see evrybody's elses, those dimwits parents, those who didn't even got a thing's parents were there. standing proud, taking dozens of pictures while all they got was a ribbon that says GRADUATE and me having something to be PROUD of alone, unattended. They might have been proud with the award i got but at least they could have SHOWED it to me. They could in a way make life a little less harder than it is now but still. (it's the past anyway so whatever. They id it, it's done, believe me trying to make this one is much harder having consumed almost a whole roll of tissue paper in wiping tears and water dripping from my nose)

That was me. Till now, i give everything i do my best and even doing my best unconsciously in everything still has it downside coz everybody feels and thinks im trying to be superior than them, Really, i just really want to be somebody special. I still long for the appreciation, for the praise i for so long think i deserve and should get. If i was ever acting like Ms. KNOW-IT-ALL im sorry, i still just want to be the best. It's the only reward i can give myself. it's the only way i can convince myself to go on with life.

Having doing all those good stuff for nothing really made me lose myself at one time. But then finding out that i hurt a lot of people made me stop. I wouldnt want them to go through what i did but just imagine, doing good and seeing other people who did bad having their fun, having somebody or even people still caring for them. I just thought even how stupid the thought it that maybe just maybe if i go doing tyhat of the other side, i could get that which i've always wanted. As they say, God favors the sinners and the good ones are always tested as to how long they'll last. Im too weak. The last weight that toppled my scale was already there. I stay far away from people now so as not to get hurt again. My scales had gieven up, i don't know if i could still carry one more weight load. I can't. I will explode.

And since i haven't exploded yet, im still a ticking, dormant time bomb, i'll be the bomb. A very hot bomb...

please... i don't want to talk to anybody about this that i made. ive already cried enough last night. Don't make me cry one more. I know im unwanted and i know im alone. I'll be alone so i'll be alone, believe me, im not the type to hang around anybody asking them if they could take me in. I won't. Not ever. Im never the type. So what'll be will be. Ive said some stuff, im actually lost as to and if i did state enough but at least for now, some load is off and that works for me and since ur not affected by me, BEAT IT!!! nothing you can do can change anything in my past anyway. It has happened. Im ok with it, i know i can't do anything about it so just let me be. I've already suffered enough. Blah! i don't know why i even made this anyway. maybe so as just to have something to post on my blog. And so i did =)