my little shell

"i will not take much of ur time kim... but i really feel ur hidden pain that you try to cover with all means... i just want you to know that when u hide inside a shell and create ur own world and own thoughts, in a way to make urself believe that it fully works for you makes me so sad for you... coz i know that u r so much fooling urself with non reality.... u draw a happy face from the outside to fool and trick people.. but u bleed from the inside... thats why u aim for it is called temporary happyness to cool off the wounds, and u condition urself that this is what is right for you... u condition urself that this works for u so perfectly... and you know so dam sure its a big lie... wake up dear... we are not in a perfect world, people on it simply suck.. "

A message from somebody...

and i wouldn't wanna say more stuff. I'm just at a loss of words and i wouldn't wanna defend myself for i know his message is true.

I just wanna say this, I've been through a lot that I really really avoid opening myself up to people. It's like pieces of broken glass glued together or glass that's already shattered and just a small quiver would just make it break down. It's that complicated, that helpless, that hopeless...

And told that if only i havent been through them, if only i was known before i came through em all, it would've been easier... But i don't know.. Giving up who i am now, neverminding the truth and the reality i've seen... Would i still want to go back to the naive ole me? Maybe if given the chance to go back, i still wouldn't change all that has happened to me but change that which was instilled in me. I would change and take away all those fantasies and those happy endings and happy ever afters i used to believe and which i couldn't wait to feel once i grow up.

Conditioning might be really really unhealthy as they say but i'd rather be unhealthy than just lose my legs and fall and shatter and perish...

I still want to stay in the shell im in and i don't know when i'm coming out or if ever i will go out. Maybe if the world changed or maybe if i'm stronger but till such time, i'll remain in my castle of fantasies.

at least, in here, it's a whole lot prettier.

way way prettier...