LOST... DEMENTED

I never thought my past would affect other people so much. I can never find a reason why they should be worried coz they're not revolving around me, my actions never affect a part of their life in any way.

Anyway, just yesterday, i was forced to dig up the skeletons in my closet that i've long buried and even if i really don't want to, since im affecting that person's life somehow, i did what i was told. I told him my story which happened when i was turning 18. But then, trying to forget it so much and trying to relive those that happened made me not divulge the real reason why i did some stuff.

It might have been caused by a certain individual but then, i forgot that i did uncovered the real reason why i did it and since im pinpointing so much on the REASON why i did it. Well, i think it's time to retell that which i told some people before.

Ever doubted something or SOMEBODY? i did and i did it again last night. Because it was like, all the years of my life, i did good, i've been good. Educational achievements and the like, i tried to get all of em. I was always giving it my all, giving it the best of what i can give, but still, it was unrewarding. It never gave back anything good, except maybe for giving me grades but still, what's the satisfaction, the weight of that which you just see on paper or ribbons or medals?

It might be a satisfaction for you, it could be ll your glory but see, i never did em for me. I did them because i wanted to show to certain people that i am good enough too. That i am special, that having me wasn't a mistake, that having me brings something good after all.

See, there was something that happened that I could never ever bury. It was that time when i heard my mother who was talking to a friend say "THAT IF ONLY MY BROTHER DIDN'T CAME ALONG, SHE AND DAD WOUL'VE BROKEN UP" or something like that. See i never understood it. Did dad hated me because i wasn't a boy? Was that the reason why he would scold me so much back then (coz i do remember him doing that esp when pee would just flow down my legs which i dnt really have control way back those times)...

It was that and that i wasn't good enough. I can't dance nor sing like my talented sister could. And that im so thin, i was unlike my cousins or even other children in the neighborhood. Maybe mom hated those times when poeple would ask why i was different from my siblings, if she ever gave me vitamins and stuff... Maybe, just maybe she hated that. I wasn't even really taken to children's parties too when they used to have it in their offices. It would always be just my sister because she can sing and dance and please the other parents while puny me will just sit there or cry or just follow my mother or aunt around when they want to mingle and be alone and socialize with their friends.

It had always been that way. I couldn't even remember my parents teach me abc's or stuff. I dont really know but maybe because i was young that i could remember it. All i can remember is me inviting myself over when they teach my older sister her ABC's or how to write and stuff. I could maybe remember my aunt but she wasn't there long enough. I can very well see animals fending on their own when they were young but baby chicks still have mom by their side. I, I have nobody.

I have been alone ever since or maybe feel alone but still, what could be worse than being alone? It really is unhealthy especially if you see other parents on their child's side, trying to teach them and i who had done it was alone, had no encouragement or stuff. And imagine this, i was one of the only two students who got a full scholarship out of the whole school and on graduation day, i just stood alone on the stage, on everybody's eyes because my mom said she would come later, it's not gonna start on the exact time the program was support to start and blah. (Yeah right mom, made up excuses!!!) I stood there and i cried a bit and looked away trying to hide the tears. And I can see evrybody's elses, those dimwits parents, those who didn't even got a thing's parents were there. standing proud, taking dozens of pictures while all they got was a ribbon that says GRADUATE and me having something to be PROUD of alone, unattended. They might have been proud with the award i got but at least they could have SHOWED it to me. They could in a way make life a little less harder than it is now but still. (it's the past anyway so whatever. They id it, it's done, believe me trying to make this one is much harder having consumed almost a whole roll of tissue paper in wiping tears and water dripping from my nose)

That was me. Till now, i give everything i do my best and even doing my best unconsciously in everything still has it downside coz everybody feels and thinks im trying to be superior than them, Really, i just really want to be somebody special. I still long for the appreciation, for the praise i for so long think i deserve and should get. If i was ever acting like Ms. KNOW-IT-ALL im sorry, i still just want to be the best. It's the only reward i can give myself. it's the only way i can convince myself to go on with life.

Having doing all those good stuff for nothing really made me lose myself at one time. But then finding out that i hurt a lot of people made me stop. I wouldnt want them to go through what i did but just imagine, doing good and seeing other people who did bad having their fun, having somebody or even people still caring for them. I just thought even how stupid the thought it that maybe just maybe if i go doing tyhat of the other side, i could get that which i've always wanted. As they say, God favors the sinners and the good ones are always tested as to how long they'll last. Im too weak. The last weight that toppled my scale was already there. I stay far away from people now so as not to get hurt again. My scales had gieven up, i don't know if i could still carry one more weight load. I can't. I will explode.

And since i haven't exploded yet, im still a ticking, dormant time bomb, i'll be the bomb. A very hot bomb...

please... i don't want to talk to anybody about this that i made. ive already cried enough last night. Don't make me cry one more. I know im unwanted and i know im alone. I'll be alone so i'll be alone, believe me, im not the type to hang around anybody asking them if they could take me in. I won't. Not ever. Im never the type. So what'll be will be. Ive said some stuff, im actually lost as to and if i did state enough but at least for now, some load is off and that works for me and since ur not affected by me, BEAT IT!!! nothing you can do can change anything in my past anyway. It has happened. Im ok with it, i know i can't do anything about it so just let me be. I've already suffered enough. Blah! i don't know why i even made this anyway. maybe so as just to have something to post on my blog. And so i did =)