Run away...

My tears flow as they have always did 24 years ago and you now what’s sad about it, it’s because the person who made me cry is the very person I think and I believe can’t afford to make me cry. I don’t really understand her, she wouldn’t talk and I can’t talk, not to her, not ever to her. I mean WHY? If she doesn’t like me that much why let me live when she can very well end the life I’ve had, have now? I can’t take it anymore. I’m at the point where it has to stop, the pain has to stop.

I’ve always been the type who doesn’t want to suffer. I don’t ever want to feel a single pain, a pain I know I can very well stop to hurt me. But how? How can you get away from the very person who brought you to the world? How can a tree live if you cut away its roots? Chop it from the branch and allow new roots to grow? See, I’ve thought about that too but I don’t know how I could swallow and just ingest something I don’t think I would or could ever do? But if I have no choice and if it could do me good, should I go put to my mouth that which I think can liberate me from this pain?

I’m really not making sense but it’s the only way I can see it, for the pain to stop. For the pain I bore for 24 years of my life. See, I just can’t see why she can’t discipline her... I can’t see why she has to sacrifice my happiness for someone else who doesn’t even do something right, who can’t do something simple and right. I’m just so sick of it and I’m so damn tired of just crying my heart out torturing myself when I shouldn’t be doing so in the first place if only she could just think of me and my feelings for once. I can’t see nor understand why somebody who saw me and had always been with me doesn’t know how to make me happy. It’s not much. Is acknowledging me for the stuff I did too much? Because I don’t think it is. I need not hear it verbally nor do I need stuff that signifies her gratitude but I only nee support or something that’d show me she does. Why does the black sheep take all her time and affection away from me? Do I have to be bad too coz if I have to then I will if it’s the only way for me to be happy. I’m that close but I don’t know if I can. I did it to God before but I didn’t really like it now was I happy with what I did so I go back but this is different. I’m so confused and I don’t have anybody to talk to right now that’s why I’m pouring it all out so I can save myself.

I mean why? Why can’t my mom love me or show me I important, that I have a point. That I have good intentions or something. How long would she wait for my sister to change her ways? If she could wait that long then why does she sacrifice her other children’s’ happiness for the sake of one that was lost? Do I have to be a prodigal son so my father will notice me? Do I have to be bad for it to do me good?

I just wanted her to tell her it’s her job. It’s training coz she never does stand up for her word when it comes to my sister. I mean if you want something done then you have to have it done especially if it’s for the GOOD. Why can’t she stand up for me and my brother? We’re old now, we understand, my sister doesn’t but why is it still like this?

Why was it that when I told her the college ring dad gave as a gift to me was gone and that my sister pawned it, why did she say it’s my fault because I just left it anywhere where my sister can access it but why would she do that? I mean it’s a home, it’s supposed to be safe, why should I guard or not trust people I’m supposed to trust because I have to trust her because she should love me too, because she’s family. Why can’t she just confront her? Why can’t she at least ask? She has the authority, I don’t. And those tomes where she stole the money I save from work and I told her but she said it was my fault because again I let it be of access to her. I couldn’t understand. I don’t want the money back. I mean I do but I still want her to stand up for me more than I want the money I worked hard for back.

I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I think I will have to just leave and cut me loose from my roots if it’s the only way I can save my tree from being totally weak and broken. I might just leave without a word, I might and I will hurt people with what I decided I will do but there is just no other way for me. I have to take away that which makes my life rotten and bad. I could very well be employing the same strategy my mom did to my sister but I just can’t tell her about what I feel. I just don’t have the authority she has with my sister, she has with us, her children.

I just can’t go on anymore. I’m at the point where it has to stop and I’m sorry and I’m sad that it has to be this way but it has to and it will. I’m just looking for the right way where there would be no turning back for me. I’m sorry if I’m weak. There’s just nothing there that holds me up anymore, there just wasn’t there except for my hope but everybody’s bound to wake up and realize that some dreams just can’t come true. I’m a loser but I’ll just have to settle with what I have left, myself and the way I think it should be feeling. I’ll go away someday, the sooner the better but now that I still am here, my tears will still be flowing and I still will be hoping. Hoping that the she will stand up for me and prove she loves me, just like a mother should.

WOMEN Rules!

1. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.
2. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.
3. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.
4. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.
5. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.
6. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.
7. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.
8. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.
9. A girl would prefer to get a 200Php gift from Rustan’s. than a 1000Php gift from LKK Mall. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
10. If women give you their number on a Friday, Tuesday or Wednesday these are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.
11. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.
12. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.
13. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.
14. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.
15. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.
16. The average woman kisses 49 men before getting married.
17. She hates your PS2 more than she admits to you. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.
18. Women who are obsessed with their pets also like to keep their men on a short leash.
19. Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.
20. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
21. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
22. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.
23. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
24. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.
25. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.
26. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
27. Women will have a hard time getting an orgasm when their drunk
28. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
29. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.
30. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.
31. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. many women think they can pull this off, but they always end up developing feelings for the guy.
32. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
33. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.
34. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.
35. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild.
36. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
37. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.
38. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
39. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
40. At one point or another, women gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting them in your room. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives them crazy till it’s been satiated.
41. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
42. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP
43. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
44. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
45. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.
46. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
47. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.
48. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.
49. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.
50. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
51. Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.
52. She likes one of your friends.
53. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
54. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
55. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
56. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”
57. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
58. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is 3. This really means about 10.

worthless

It just dawned on me… There is one thing that has never ever happened to me no matter how simple it is. So simple that it sounds quite pathetic. Though I’ve always been an individual who tries to do things he hasn’t done or experienced in life, there are just somethings one can’t do especially that it needs another life and mind to do it. I am alone… Alone and had been lonely. I have friends but not even one knows me well. Know me as I am and how I’ve been and what I do and my traits. Some might’ve but it is always only up to some extent. The wholeness of my individuality is still a mystery except to me. Nobody knows me and y’know what makes it even worse, it’s the fact that nobody wants to even if they can. That’s just how complex life turns to be even if it could have been simple. Days ago, i’ve been asked bout my plans, with what i’ve been doing now and it was a surprise when it was mentioned that he was left out. It wasn’t really clear what the person meant with his words but then he asked me something that could mean that it has something to do with him. It might not be what he meant but, regarding with that which he asked me, it hasn’t really reached my mind. Maybe in the future or i do have it in the list for one of my dreams, one which i wanted to achieve but, WHAT FOR? Money has never been that important to me. It might be needed for STUFF but then, what does that stuff do to make me happy? I mean why go there when there’s nothing to do there, nothing waiting there for me. His place there and my place here isn’t that different anyway. What i’ll be doing there is still pretty much what i’ll be doing here, maybe just economically different but still the same. It would still be empty… Though people have needs that are heirarchically organized and stuff, I still tend to go back to the very first question before realizing and doing things. WHY AM I HERE IF I WASN’T EVER IMPORTANT TO ANYBODY? Why am I here even if nobody wants to be with me or around me? Am I like a measurement as to how long one can stand living without any worth? Pathetic questions but it is happening to me. I’ve never ever had a best friend. I’ve never even had a friend who wanted to play with me when i was young. I was always either left or cast out. Even in parties I’d hear people asking my mom why I’m different and always have I heard a bad reply, that I am unwanted or something. That even then I’d always get to stay outside because of stuff I did which was out of my control. Im just surprised now that I lived this long enduring all the rejection and unwantedness. That even if ive been with a lot of men, nobody ever even wanted to be with me. That even at school nodoby would choose me or my so called friends wouldnt even ask me out to hang out with them. And always Ive seen that I never did anything bad, that I was just doing stuff the way I do, that I was merely living and sharing the same world they live in but still they want me not with them. I mean even before I’ve never been chosen as a partner at play or even at school even if I have the wits to back me up. Even if i never ever even said anything to the other person, even if i havent even uttered a single word to the person in their entire life. It’s sad to know that things that happened to me before made me the person I am today. Still wanting the attention, still wanting the want that people would have to me. I’ve never given up hope coz till now im still waiting for that to happen to me coz it has always been something I’ve always wanted all the days of my life. Coz no matter how small and attainable it is, i can never ever force people to feel it for me. Not even my parents who should have that love for me have given, have made me feel that importance, what more other people. I couldnt count or measure the tears and the pain i feel as i push every key to put this down right now but I still am waiting for the day that I achieve this. This simple tiny thing that life could never give to me… That i could forget the time they were late to put that medal I got for being the only person to get the scholarship, for standing there for what seems an eternity looking even for the shadow of my parents compared to the delight of others who were there with their children who didn’t even got a single thing. For the time they scolded me coz i got home after them,not even asking what happened to the examination i took which i passed and i was the youngest who took it among the group even if i didnt study or made any reviews. Funny but these are the memories i got for those who would consider it an achievement because not everybody could do it. So what is it’s worth, what is my worth if i get nothing but disapproval and dislike for the stuff i do irregardless if it’s so good and it’s beyond what other people could achieve. Would it ever change if I get to work oversees? Would i be worth something if i let them swim in a pool of money coz at every side i look, nothing i ever did is worth even something. If hope be like the leaves of trees and mine can’t help but just fall, would it live long enough to replace each leaf with a new one? Would the time ever come that the tree can no longer have any leaf to fall? If nothing i ever did is important, what’s it to stuff I’m doing now? Would i ever be worth something someday or will i die ever searching for that single soul that will make me feel that i am not only something but everything to them? I don’t know but i think it’s all i ever searched in my life and i’m afraid that i’d die if ever i find it even if i only get to feel a second that i am worth something… Yes, i’d rather die than see myself again peering over peoples shoulders searching and waiting for that person to come and make me feel special. that ever elusive thing that i have searched all these years of my life.

a FIGHTER or a LOSeR?

Twas just yesterday when I faced an oddity in life. Twas like something that i had but then twas vague if it was true or i was just mistaking it for something. I wouldn't wanna reiterate bout the incident coz i wasn't even sure what he meant or as to the reality of the words he asked me? It was vague and i've been there before. It wasn't new to me since i came up in a fight with him, the first time i ever stood up for myself and confronted somebody bout stuff he promised he'd do to me. Really, i am a fighter. I’ve the strongest will anybody could ever have and people have always praised me for possessing it. I stick to my will even if it hurts me a lot, even if it puts me in the most aggravating position ever. I don't know if it's just a matter of will or of principle. Vie always been doing stuff that doesn’t make people feel force with stuff they do. I've always valued doing stuff my own way and so I value stuff if people do it on their own, that they decided to do it, that THEY DID IT FOR ME. Weird but I've always given up my happiness just because I wasn't in the position to demand because i was late, because somebody else beat me to the position, but more because i know that im coming in between somebody else’s happiness and right. I’ve never ever fought for myself, for my own place, mainly because im afraid that there really was nothing in there for me, that i was only made to believe because people want to get their way with me. Even so, I only wanted to make people realize and decide if I really have some worth in them. I mean if ever I meant something. I want them to realize or maybe think that IT'S ME... That they can't live without me or even just a simple that they love me and they want to be with me. THEY, just because it didn’t happen to one guy. And where it has lead me, here alone and lonely and wishing that they'd realize that they wanna pick me and want to be with me. But sadly, though the many people i did it to, nobody ever realized I’m worth something. Maybe because I turned my back on them but even so, won't they fight for it if I really mean something? Don't they have the sleepless nights ive had wishing that im there spending time with him, sharing the fun we shared when we were together. Are they losers too that they think just because I turned my back on them that it meant I didn't loved them? That because things happened that fast that there wasn’t anything to it but merely a play, just a game? It's hard dwelling with what if's but still until now, im waiting for even just one person to tell me that i meant a lot to them and he'd want to be with me simply because that was the main reason why i went away. Not because i don’t love them but i love them that much that i wanna see if they're willing to fight for that which they feel for me. But sadly, nobody ever did and ive been badly hurt suffering the consequences of that which i did, just because i want them to be the one fighting for me. I don't know where this would lead. Maybe it'll lead to me growing up alone. Harsh as it maybe, i still did it even if it means being alone for the rest of my life. Because i k now that if ever somebody did, it'll be worth all the pain i gave to me in order to be happy. I might be losing but I’m still fighting to do that which i always did, making that somebody realize that it's me and till such time, id still be the loser I’ve always been. Coz fighting for that which I strongly believe in is something that I’m gonna do for the rest of my life...