The Killer

Yes unfortunately, though I wasn't able to do the deed, I am a killer. And it wasn't just anybody I killed,I killed my own child.

It happened around 11am. I went through a very bad break-up and having been with the guy for more than a year,I was afraid I was pregnant having been feeling the need to puke since on Tuesday.

I now cry thinking of what I could have done. I was sharing what happened to me to a friend and she told me to not waste time and go find out if I was pregnant or not. I was gonna wait for a week knowing that my period was gonna happen a few days from now but I was too bothered and too hurt to wait. So I got up and even under the scorching heat of the noon time sun I went on ahead to also clear my head once and for all.

I took my phone and noticed my ex sent me a message.he told me to stop sending messages to his current gf unless I'd wanna get slapped on my face. and he told me how pitiful I was and how I can't get over the fact that he replaced me with someone better than me. I have nothing against the girl. I was just sending her a warning and I was also snooping around to see if they really just had a relationship, that they were on a week ago, and not for a long time,something that he did to me last year and six years ago.

Our breakup was bad but yesterday was the worst.Finally I get to see the guy for who he really was,he was a leech a liar and a user. And that time I was very glad that finally, finally I get to know him as to who he really is and since then I didn't cry anymore. well, not until a while ago.

I cried not because I lost the guy, or that I was heartbroken,or that he has someone new or that yesterday was just very bad.I cried because I was able to think about what I could have done.I could have killed an innocent child and it was all because I consider the father as the worst person there is in the world and that I feared for my life and for what I would do as to raising him.

I couldn't believe it, with what the guy had turned me into. He made me a killer. He made me want to kill an innocent child all because he cheated on me and used and sucked the life I had in me. I was made a killer by someone whom I gave my everything too, with someone whom I partly allow to step on me till I can't take anymore.

I was in prison of a life I've always wanted to be. I believed him when he said he loved me and was taking me seriously. Yes I had my flaws and a big mouth but I don't think telling my then-bf I envy a friend who has a very cute and rich bf is the icing on the cake. That that message was gonna end that which we had. yes it ended our relationship he said. he couldn't take how I would complain that he wasn't doing enough and I did do that. I did complain. For me jst merely texting me when he has nothing to do or staying at work with me was already a credible proof of a true relationship. I would cringe every time he wasn't sending me msgs already knowing his schedule, what time he sleeps and stuff. And I bash about it, I bash because I didn't want to be treated that way. he was going back to the man he used to be.He was the type that you'd better do what he says or else there's someone else.

You might be wondering why I was in such relationship.If he was that crappy, why the hell did I stay and why did I stay that long? I stayed because he said he loved me,because I thought no one else would,that I might not find someone with wits like him. I know that it may sound shallow but if a guy tells you that he does love you and that he always asks you to just stay with him and love him,what choice do we dorks have when that person would be like the one to do that which you have always wanted?

I believed him...
I believed him and I loved him. I loved him so much and I wanted to help that I was even willing to take him out to movies, eat out, or buy stuff for him, my treat. I know that society dictates that women must not do such but what can I do when just seeing him means I have to spend something here and there for us to go out.

I remember February last year when he was distant and feisty that when I asked what the problem was that he couldn't tell me. I really forced him to tell me and he replied "why? If I tell you my problem will you be able to do something to help?" Still I made him tell me then I found out he lacks money to pay for his final's tuition fee. We were just 3months that time but having had a brief relationship with him 6years ago I thought "why the hell not let him borrow money, anyway it was just sleeping in my debit card, not getting any interest at all."



I brought him to a festival on another place March last year, all expense paid, so what,I just wanted my honey there. After that came summer vacation and I haven't even gotten to see the guy a lot and when we did he gets angry when I don't have any place to specifically go. All I thought that just hanging and going to random places was gonna work but he was just really irritated and even walks at a distance. May and June were still the same.I would see him only every time I got off work at about 10pm. He was more distant and back then all I did was always beg for him to come see me, to hang out and to do some other private stuff. Even that didn't get his interest to come see me. I remember crying all the way while going home coz he was out with friends when all that time I was begging him to come spend time with me. Yes, I did a self pity cry in a public transpo. That feeling I don't wanna experience anymore.

Things never got better. July and August were just the same. I remembered staying in a hotel with him as a treat for his bday, a Saturday before his bday. I even bought cake to make him smile.That was probably the last time I saw him. We had a fight on his actual day, he never even cared to come to see me. i guess cakes don't always gets the celebrant's heart.

Festivities for the city's big day came and I wasn't allowed to go anywhere public with him. I remembered leaving my friends out of the blue that day so as just to be and spend time with him. I have got to ask forgiveness to my friends for what I did. I know it's bad but choosing friends and a significant other is always bad and hard.

Things were shaky come September and we celebrated our anniversary on November.I took him out to a new pizza place and a week after that we split. We broke up coz out of the blue in the early morning he told me that he's with his grandma at the veterans bank and unfortunately I wasn't "babe."

That night he broke up with me, actually he called it off. Cool off he says. I was even clingy and smiling not really taking him seriously. Indeed we parted ways that time and I was ok. I lost my marbles when i searched his facebook acct having deleted it on October. To my utter disbelief I found an account with words hubby and wifey in it and pictures of him with another girl. I was in disbelief coz we just broke up and it was early December that time. we broke up Nov 25. The disbelief was more of seeing how the girl looked (pardon but it was a big blow to me) and the dates of when they were together. It dated way back around February too,I remember certain things he had that he was sporting on some specific months.

I called him up and asked what the hell he did to me. All he said was the word "hang-out" and it was his ex and that those times he lost interest on me(gana).Being the sore loser I am and having been totally insulted I immediately asked for the money he owed me. It was almost Christmas that time and he was supposedly gonna pay back on the 18th with words "bahala na dli ko makatake midterm." My being a good person with the thought of Christmas to let him to talk to me properly. He was like shouting in his messages, it was like I was the one who owed him money and that he wanted me to just come get it and get it over with.

I felt sorry for him,told him to not treat me that way since I gave him the money wholeheartedly, I didn't want it returned with anger and negativity. I just couldn't live that way of someone being angry at me when all I showed was kindness. I told him to just give me the money on my birthday on second week January.

The man who was so angry suddenly began sending me messages again and still called me hon. He even invited me to come over his place Christmas eve but I declined knowing that that's where his room is at especially with how he is with alcohol around. I kept my dignity that day.

Business came on January and he was at my door again. He was always coming and spending time which was weird knowing that we ended.We finally got back together on the 25th and he was a changed man. He keeps sending me messages again, he was sweet and he always wanted to be with me. I was his date Saturday before Feb 14th and that was more that enough truth for me. He told me the sweetest words that time,that "it was so unfair how now that he is serious, he'll be leaving and staying in Cebu by April for his OJT"

April came and he left, even took him to the airport thinking that just maybe knowing how he is, I am almost single again.Indeed he was different in cebu. But I was lucky still for he would call me every night. Hell came when the wifey sent me messages again asking me if he was still seeing me.I told him he was and that I'm together with him and she got angry.She told me about stuff,that he has a kid with her and that he was in cebu to look for a job coz their child was gonna start school soon.

I know he was really into finding a job and what she said was a possibility I couldn't dismiss. I turned to a common friend to ask the truth.I begged the truth out of him and finally out of pity for me, he told me something. My ex has a kid with the girl,and the other girl he had a child with that I know about was different but that there still was another one. He said stuff that my ex wasn't really the type who chooses how a girl looks etc,he is after what a girl can give him and what he can get from them. I had a hard time believing the guy, he was a bit like him too.His credibility was tarnished also because he kinda was saying stuff that made my ex look bad.Funny how they are very close friends yet they say stuff about each other.

Life was never the same after that.I kept necking him, wanting proof that he really is true and loyal like he says he is. There were some points that bothered me like why she wont stop and why gets angry with me every time i speak of the girl.I never got to see the girl in person. She got angry and called me a bitch and I just couldn't let her just clobber me if I ever did get to see here. All I wanted was proof from the girl like just even messages from the guy will do, unfortunately she was no longer cooperating with me. All of these happened last May.

We spent a lot of time together by June, I was with him almost every Friday night but we kept having fights.Even the smallest absence of text messages angered us both. I guess on my part,I was sensing something that wasn't the same especially when he used to spend almost every afternoon with me,we were then just spending weekends together. He was also secretly browsing his phone too and never left them within my reach.

I never failed to ask the guy if he was happy with me and he always said he was. I was even asking maybe someone was doing some moves on him at school and he just said "I don't know if she likes me;"I never thought it was the start of something bad.

I kept wishing for him to make the relationship official. To me it was one way to secure my place and make sure he really was serious with me. I already spent a year and seven months with the guy, to me it was like he should already make a decision as to what the relationship was. I kept breathing on his neck, asking him to put his in a relationship with me on facebook, he said he will just delete his account to avoid problems and that he will only post that when I am married to him.

The big blow finally came after an argument where I told him I envy a friend with loose morals,who slept with married men who were my bosses who finally got this handsome rich guy who was so into her with both their pictures and posts flooding facebook. He saw it as a comparison. That I was unhappy coz he didn't have money on me, saying stuff that why could I not be happy with what he did like helping make my desk's keyboard holder which I showered with criticisms(i was just kidding) or those times where he spent afternoons with me even when he could have utilized it for sleep.

I answered that to me they really don't have weight since he only did it since January plus the fact that he has to make up for the cheating he did tome, an act he greatly denies. His final words that time was just "maybe the only thing that could make me be satisfied is a house and lot." Amazing words from a guy who goes dutch when we watch movies and whom I very recently treated to watch Transformers and dinner and everything else.

I found out last Tuesday from my college lesbian friend that he has a gf. That he was the bf of my lesbian friend's ex-gf and live-in partner for a year.

I lost everything after that. I text him and demanded for the money (tuition + plane ticket(yes, he borrowed money to buy a ticket back from Cebu, with me braving the heavy rain so as just to have him be back to my arms.) I demanded my money back and he replied that I always raise the money issue every time I get angry. C'mon! I was slapped on my face for what he did. He was going out with the girl and having fun while I was sulking in my corner.I just couldn't be that saint anymore. I threatened him that I'll go to his house and tell his mom about what he owed me.(Oh I forgot, of that span a relationship I was never introduced to his mom as a gf,I was just sneaking in and out like a thief.I should've listened to what wifey said on her msg, that I should have been introduced to dear ole mom.)

I wasn't kidding that time by the way.I was so fueled with anger and hatred that I sent all of the nums he used to contact me msgs that I need the money he owed me. I even sent  a  message to his brother in Cebu asking if he had already sent payment for the ticket I bought. I have to result to the low of the lows.Great reward for good ole me whose only intentions that time was to help.Am I really that bad? my fangs and horns and claws just can't help go out when I'm duped!

He did gave the money back yesterday but I held something off that made him very angry and I did some low blows in my messages mentioning his gf's past. His only reply that at least the girl had a good personality unlike me. Now when did I became the antagonist? I made him angry some more that he came back to the office and all hell just broke loose. I'm glad that he didn't break anything though,I actually had the kitchen knife within my reach that time. I guess I was really that angry with him.

I sent a message to the new gf's facebook account by the way and luckily she wasn't angry, I just hope that she understood me. She found some reality in my messages by the way, that time when I found out he already had a girlfriend,he suddenly lashed at her sending angry texts but said that somebody called and told him about it and that he went to MISORTEL to have the call traced to whoever it was who called.WHAT A DOUSCHE! Dude just because you watch CSI doesn't mean it happens here. What a fuckin stupid excuse. It's unbelievable.

I'm so over the guy,I really am and I have the highest respect for the girl for admitting that the past I knew of her was real.I just wish he would also admit his mistakes and his past. I am just angry now of what he almost made me do. HE MADE ME A KILLER! I was that hurt that I was willing to end a life.All I did was love the guy, treat him out, made him borrow my money,gave him my time and that's what I get.I know that life doesn't owe me anything but I'm praying to karma to please be the bitch she is and make him have all the consequences of his actions. I prayed before that whoever it was of him or wifey who lied that the person be in an accident where the legs will be cut. I'm not asking that anymore, I just don't want to have anything to do with the guy and I just want peace of mind.

Someday, things will fall into place. I just hope that when that happens, I will finally get that which I deserve.This is just way too much for me to fathom. I thank my friends who are helping keep me strong in this transition.

I've always had the feeling yet I never listened. I promise now my intuition will be my best friend and I will listen to her well. I hope this will never happen to anyone of you.I thank God for sparing me the deed I could have done and for still giving me something to look forward to...

my CURSE

a message somebody mailed me last November 8, 2008. I think we were talking about people I'vee been with and stuff or like my lovelife or something. He wrote something really nice and i really really like it a lot that's why im posting it. Too bad i just read it now to actually talk more with the guy coz i really can't remember what we'd talk about in detail... anyway, this was what he wrote:

About your shout out .. ya, I think the problem is that U will intimidate many guys. And since U do have a TIGHT bod, men can't help but see that first .. even I am NOT immune to your innate power of seduction ..
YIKES!

Beauty is curse just as much as it is a blessing. My advice to U is pretty much the same as I give to all my friends, but with a bit more caution because the FORCE is strong with U .. lol.

So its a given that men will flock to U for obvious reason and that is NOT a bad thing. I think its safe to say U'd like a passionate man that is a little crazy for U .. but this part will be fairly easy, just look for a guy that can be expressive with U and the chemistry should ignite great passion.

Now the tough part, how do U make the guy like YOU .. NOT just for the bod U have,
but for the person UR. This is where finding your soulmate and companion gets so difficult .. probably because its hard to find a guy that can truly be all things for U. So its almost a certainity that some compromises will have to be made, but U should never settle.

First of all, I think its fairly easy to spot the guys that can ONLY see your bod. Conversations will nearly always drift to how the guy feels about U .. and while this is sweet, its typically his homonal response to your seductive powers .. he needs U .. he wants U .. he misses U .. ALL SELFISH needs of his.

Look for the guys that show more interest in U and your feelings .. your family .. your goals, needs, dreams, etc. He should also be at ease with U to talk about anything in a raw unfiltered fashion .. just like U'd talk with a long time friend. Remember most of life is non-romantic time and so how U interact during this time should probably carry considerable weight.

Since everyone's needs and their definition of Love are different, U need to clearly discover what those absolute needs are, and which are desires that UR willing to compromise on. Knowing what U want will help U limit the field of guys quickly. Above all, be observant .. the player can usually be spotted if U just look for the signs.

Don't give up .. there really are good guys still out there .. its unfortunate that U attract the wrong ones .. good luck .. t/c.

Bri

Quite nice huh? o now i remember.. my shout-out was WANTED ONLY FOR F***ING :P neat!

never thought i'd miss somebody this much... but i do

1:30 am... just woke up, darkness surrounded me.then i noticed my pillow right in front of my face, my arms wrapped around it tightly. I threw it away, i just had a dream and in that dream i was hugging somebody tightly coz i miss him and in there he just came back and i was hugging him... happily.

as i type these words, tears are falling down my eyes. I never thought it could be possible. I know it is not impossible to miss somebody but missing somebody this much, subconsciously. I never thought I would miss somebody this much, that he'd be in my dream and in my dream I would see his face perfectly, clearly...

This rarely happens and I'm so afraid that I'm so into somebody so deeply he'd even be in my subconscious. I've dreamed of people with clear faces before but never with like the leading man, my partner. Friends, parents, pets, visions of them are clear but with the man in my dreams, it never was.

I can just see all of him there but never the face. The long hair, how tall he is, the size of his body but never, just never that clearly.

I hate myself for doing this. I just asked God for amnesia and thought if ever there's a machine or something I could take to erase a memory.

It is not that I want to forget him but having him there would be difficult because I know he would be leaving and his plans could never be altered irregardless of my presence.

I do want to forget, gradually. It would be less painful that way. I told him that, i asked him that when he tried to let go. I asked for it to die a natural death. I just can't bear sudden death circumstances except maybe for accidents.

And now I'm crying coz it's hard. Hard for me to forget him and hard for me to accept that maybe my subconscious already chose a man for me, a man i could probably never have for myself.

I tried to let go, i tried my hardest to let go and over the past weeks i did. I thought I did but with what happened a while ago is just too hard to bear. I don't wanna sulk again and think what i did wrong, what happened for things to go wrong and stuff. I have other things I should worry about but this one just sucks.

I never thought I'd miss somebody this much... but I do.

and I hate every minute of it.

FISH

Haven't been in a relationship for a year and six months now? WOW! What the heck I did it! haha My officemates oughtta be proud of me. Come to think of it, they promised me a gift, a great reward if i could stay bf-less, guy-less for a month and i was able to in a year half. Darn! But anyway, me, I am proud but maybe a bit bothered by it because I wasn't really that wanting to be single... I mean I was trying for the last year but as of 2007, I wasn't but gheez, where are these men. To think I haven't had problems with finding men before but now, i could say I haven't caught a fish in my net.

Gosh, i never thought about that. Kimyah has finally lost her charms and can't snag a guy anymore? My... my... my... I don't think so. I refuse! haha I certainly object it. Well, it is because i'ts not really like i'm not casting my net in the best places, i mean i havent casted my net. It's more like a restaurant where you can choose which fish you want to be grilled in front of you from a tank full of it. I think i did tried to get to know my fish a bit but as i scrutinized them, man have they the defects which will certainly make me ill. I think there was one that was good but was already hooked by somebody else and the fish even told me to yknow, maybe i could SHARE with the one that has her strings on him, like two persons can enjoy and savor his fishliness at the same time just that i was the only one who has to wait till the fish can swim away once the strings arent that tight on him. I mean who the heck does that fish think he is, CAVIAR? hahaha (fish then caviar? i've to check up on my knowledge on fish varieties)

Yeah, i've to admit that was the closest i ever got to being in a relationship with a guy. My ex's fault. He was marketing, selling, promoting the guy, the fish with all his witted glory that I was on all fours, waiting for the day I can see and check the fish by myself. He marketed him well alright, he just didn't mention and didn't knew the fish's snaged. To think i kinda wastd effort and money checking the fish out. Daymn!

Anyway, i did stumble upon a cute, young fish some weeks ago. Just that that fish was good. he snaged me and even took me to test the waters with him and there I was, wading along. That fish was weird though coz it kinda begged me to swim along with him and so i did and the swim was quite good nevertheless...

Now, still single and still looking at different fish varieties, i learned so as not to get too close to the tank and be enamored by their different colors, swimming stokes and varieties. I know better now so as to keep my distance and maybe be in the environment they are in, snorkeling and just watching and admiring them as they swim alone. That fish just as every creature there is are meant to swim free and explore every reef or rock they encounter and just as they are, they are never exempted from being curious with the unfamiliar entity swimming with them, even swimming close and play along but just dart and swim away like the fish that they are. For i to am a fish swimming in unfamiliar waters waiting to be snaged from the watery grave im in, only to be transferred to better waters and nah what am i kidding. Im not even sure if i wanna get caught yet. I want to be but only with the right person who can take care of me. Maybe someday but i hope that if so, i wouldnt be placed on the porcelain plate of doom. Appreciated and savored to the last inch yet just plain dead and never moving.

REHASHED

I'm done... I've like spent a big part of my life waiting and hoping but nadah! Guess there's no other choice but to accept the hurtful fact, I'm just meant to be alone!

Rather than just getting hurt and wasting time hoping, guess i'm left with no choice but to join the club. I'm so done with the hoping and the waiting and the longer that i'm doing it, the number I get. I'm just so fed up and so pissed bout it. There really isn't somebody to give me that i've searvhed for ever since I was born but since i spent the past 24 years of my life without it, why the heck haven't I been used to it. I mean yeah, why the heck am i not used to it and done with it? I've experienced it for 24 years and still i'm hopin? What a freakin waste of my precious time.

Time to rewire and reprogram myself. I'm so done. I just wanna get it over with.

And this time, i'm gonna be firm with it's implementation. Time to test me out. A new me will be born and i'm gonna be enjoyin it...

getting by with being pathetic

Funny how the tide has turned for me yesterday but i still am oblivious as to "IF I SHOULD GO ON WITH IT OR NOT" coz really, i have no such feeling to be in a relationship again. I mean I was just made a fool a week ago and already i'll be putting myself in that situation again? No way Jose!

It's just painful and insulting, the incident that happened to me the past 2 weeks. I mean I believed a friend and trusted him, believing that he'll deliver me out of the hell hole i've been in for the past 2... 3 years but I just found myself digging a lil more to the pit i'm in... Oh what the hell, I'll dig meself out. Nothing's gonna happen if i'll wait and rely on soomebody else...

But going back to what has happened, I don't and can't really say what got into me... Love rush? February rush? But what ever it is, it was so bad... Damn that guy who recommended that guy haha... I mean I was falling for a guy who was a friend of this other guy i dated a long long time ago and he said not to fall for the guy coz he ain't worth it and he promised to have me meet up with this other guy whom he knows a lot coz he felt sorry for me and he did hurt me a long time ago too, maybe atone for the stuff he did or something and I BELIEVED HIM. Darn it!

I mean picture me out, picture kimyAh becoming a throw rug for a guy she doesn't even really like or picture herself being with just because of the RECOMMENDATION. It's so funny but I did. I compromised everything. The wall I set up to keep people away was gone, even the infamous standard for men i'l go out with was gone. OMG! (damnit! I did that much???)

I mean I did and now that im done with it, i sat down and think bout the consolation (like please don't make me cry again) for the thing that happened. I mean I was even at a point where I was gonna kneel or something? Im such a loser...

But then, looking back, I can really say that I really am no martyr. That there are just some standards i can't possibly compromise or bend. I mean, it's become a principle coz i have nothing but just myself and if i let people step on me, it's so worthless. i mean I didn't came all the way to where I am now (wait a minute, where am I haha) to just let people do that to me. I aint gonna back down. Though it sucks a lot coz i really might be living alone for the rest of my life but instead of being sorry for my sorry ass and cry and wail and be pathetic and stuff, I decided that I already cried a lot and im not gonna shed a tear again for being alone again but instead I'm gonna take care of me from now on. Like if somebody can't stick with just only me and put up with me then i'm gonna give them what they want and do for myself that which i want.

It sucks but, I'M ALL I HAVE... But the good side of it is, Ive made people cry and beg on their knees before to be with me so I know that I'm the best there is with the loving and caring so why not do it for me. At least I know what they'll be missing ;)



A change of profile, coz i've changed...

Hmmm where to start? Guess i'll just answer a question someone asked me, "HOW"S LIFE BEEN TREATING ME THIS DAYS?"

LIFE? It has been KEWL! I'm used doing things alone and have lived up to the words someone i loved yet *#@$, told me before, "YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE TO BE HAPPY..."

Indeed, i think it is true. My life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to be. (esp. right after i was done with school). It has been happy then painful. I've had the share of PAIN, was really really hurt. But I've learned a lot and I'm so glad that I got through it.

LET THE PAST BURY ITS DEAD, and so I did and look what it made me now. A stone cold and bitter person. Hahaha nah for love i am but for life, Im living it, savoring every moment of it.

Really, I'm kewl and i've forgiven the people who've hurt me. They still contributed to the person I am today and Im happy for that.

But best of all, because of them, I'VE HAD THE TIMES OF MY LIFE, and not evryone gets to experience that...For that, I thank you...

Since there still is some space left, well, I am a TRUE BLUE MALDITA, REALLY SARCASTIC, SENSITIVE, PERVERTED yet OPENMINDED, REALISTIC, a PESSIMIST, a CYNIC =)

I LOVE TAKING pictures of MYSELF, especially in those undies, A CERTIFIED FRUSTRATED MODEL. Im too skinny, & not that tall enough to qualify (5'3 and all). And WHATS WRONG WITH THAT? I mean IM NOT BEING LEWD, ur the one thinking dirty. You deal with it.

I mean im so sick of them criticizing me coz of my pictures. They're just pictures. What u see aint what u really get! I pity you, you're so soo shallow. But whatever! Its your life. Just don't let me catch you saying such LEWD stuff. Oh well, i'll just pray o'er your pathetic souls, you SHALLOW, PRETENTIOUS HYPOCRITES!

All i know is that I AM HUMAN, and I've made mistakes. But at least i get to live my life. I try to, though its harsh...

--
TRUST ME, I KNOW THESE THINGS9:04 AM 2/26/2007


specifically, it would have to be MICHAEL ERIC S. GARING pro ala na si gebz eh... so eto, ewan, nabubuhay nlang.

Anyway, i've been building a wall around me, to keep people out and to see who cares to break it but nah, im a loner and it's kinda ok. Im used to it. Better than to get hurt... Ive given a shot at love but nah, maybe SOMEDAY, maybe NEVER...

Im just getting thru life, as if Ive a choice anyway. Its just that Ive been through so much that im numb with feelings.Numb or either i just don't want to feel the pain(again) Pathetic but TRUE and i've lived thru it for almost a year now so why not continue?

Im just not sure if id be able to survive another one so i've decided not to be in one so if ever anybody's interested, i's better tht you stay away or like maybe just state your intentions so we can set limits =)

anyway... let's just see...

numb

Sigh... I'm numb (finally...)
I just got the last straw and that was it. I've had enough. Trusting people is a big issue for me, with intimate relationships i mean. I just can't... I've had it. They're all enough for me.
I just haven't met anybody who could really stick to the person they say they love. I mean for me, Love entails loyalty, fidelity and commitment. Its just impossible to serve two masters at the same time or say like if ever, that the treatment would e like EQUAL. There'll always be someone who's gonna be on top. That can never be for me. I just want to be THE ONLY ONE and it's so hard for people to commit to it, to even keep it. I just can't see why loving is like that for some people coz it never is for me.

And because of this, im vowing to my single life. So what if i'll cry every night coz i wish somebody to love me, hug me and stuff. It'll still be the same anyway if i ever get to be in a relationship. People cant keep the stuff they say. They even forget to comply to a dinner they've kept on saying for some time, what more something that they say they'll keep forever.

I dunno, i just don't feel anything now though i'm opening to spending time with somebody. It's more like a play for me. Acting, role playing and stuff but feelings? I don't feel em anymore. I finally suceeded to shut my door and i'll keep it closed as much as i could. There's just nothin to lovin but disappointments and tears and pain so why love again? I can go be with people who'll treat me special anyway, I can just act and let them feel theyre special to me too to maybe keep it goin bout it's all for show. Like they'd be affected anyway...

Oh well, i'll just be livin me life.

ex's, proses

i love you...
those three little words are like songs in my heart.
Over and over, i feel them, say them to myself..send them out to you.
And they never lose their effect, either.
For what they say is how i feel all the time.
Day after day, those three words never fail to remind me that the universe gave me the most rare and wondrous gift when it provided me with you.
i waited for you..just for you...before i gave my heart away.
There were those who came into my life and left as strangers.
There were those who came and stayed as friends.
But never could i give my heart completely. Because i was waiting for you.. Just for you..
And you were worth the wait..

>>>another prose written for me yet..."Sigh..."
Why is it that people could really pretend like this to just get what they want(?)
Be with another person even if no clear break-up was made, no talks, no nothing...
I wanted to believe he did loved me but seeing his actions makes me confused.
Reading his mails to other women doin the same tactic that made me be interested to him.
IM A FOOL to fall for his trap. But was it really just a trap?
Is he really a wolf in sheep's clothing?
I really want to believe he is good but then if i do so, id be hurt, wounded, stepped on, i just might BLOW UP...
I really am sad that the past just came to this but seems ive to accept things as they should be...
I really must bury these words in my mind, "IF IT IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, then, IT NEVER IS TRUE..."
I learned that the hard & painful way...

--entries from my mobile blog-- way back Nov. 2005

I LOVED MY BESTFRIEND

I let a big fish pass by. Big fish? Who needs a fish anyway? Well, the words I say to hide the fact that I'm hurt. Well, let's face it, who would want to show their vulnerability to everyone. But indeed I did, I let him go. I was stupid, he was my best friend. I opened everything of my all to him, until that time when I actually realized I was in love...

Fell in love, no, that wasn't the word. Grow, that's what they say love should be how it should start. It did grow. And when that happened, it went beyond what I wanted. The compromise was there and I to think hate compromising so much. What's the compromise, well, we both don't like each other PHYSICALLY. That's the compromise, as in we don't blend. I'm thin and I look tall and he's chubby and not tall so go figure.

We were FWB's actually. That was the only thing that connected us. Lust, carnal desires. I never planned on having an FWB but he opened my mind and I did need someone that time, he did too. Both of us were patching things up with the love of our life. I with the man I love for 5 yrs, him with his gf for 6 & 1/2 years. So we had this deal. Actually he was the one who said "We'll go out, but you're not allowed to fall for me." I mean WTF, I’m at the losing end here. Actually we met a month after (Sept2004) I broke off with my bf whom I’ve been with for a year and a half. (The reason, the love of my life's back then I’m tired of my ex's lust. He did raped me and basta, things happened till I couldn't take it anymore.)

I then agreed to the deal round January this year. Then we get to talk, share problems, thought, and get to know each other. We were just like that, until something happened to my life. What it was, well, I found out that the love of my life MIGHT BE married. I mean I was shocked. I've been fooled, played cahoots. I told him everything, well, since he knew my story with my ex, knew that I’m not pure, why not tell him? So I did, and he did something which meant a lot to me. It was this one time, when I was crying like hell, I’ve just no one to talk to, nobody knew, not even my best friend. Nobody even knew what happened to my life other than him. I told him that I’m crying, and he consoled me. It was that simple thing, but why it was a big deal, because he always tells me he hates people who cry and wail, he finds it pathetic but yet he did that... That did it for me, I have a best friend.

We met a week after that (Feb25), did it (of course) and we were so comfortable with each other. He showed me his new phone, his students, asked me if I knew these songs which I did, and that was an important bonding time, esp. that he's a music teacher. Then that was it, we went our separate ways, he even went AWOL for a while. So I was ok, so I thought... We didn't communicate for a while. Then I met someone, well, I very well need somebody's presence that time so I had a new bf (March10, just 13 days after)

Mid March2005 did he send me messages. He just came from Cebu, celebrated his 25th b-day. In the mood for a talk, I wasn't, I’ve a new guy I’m busy with. Just went with the flow, talked and talked, until month end... Something happened to him this time. Something bad, horrible. He asked for my presence, that he's really down... I said I can't, I’m busy (well, I’ve my bf, I just can't meet with someone esp. a guy) so I just turned down request after request. I didn't confessed I’ve someone until he said this(sent actually),"I LIKE YOU AND I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE ME TOO..." then I told him that I can not see him anymore b’coz I’ve someone.. He was crushed. "He asked WHY, WHY THAT SOON, WE JUST SPENT TIME TOGETHER blah blah blah...." I told him because I have to forget, that I need somebody to occupy my mind. I can't really remember if he asked why didn't I think of him or talked to him, all I remember is that I said "ITS BCOS OF THAT DEAL, THE "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME" REMEMBER?..."

Then he just said ok, then I don't know some time passed. But I was bothered, I was like, I could make him happy, why d hell am I still with my bf (who has a gf for like 3yrs, and I’m like #2 and I just agreed since I need him to forget the love of my life) who's only using me?... (When I could be happy with somebody else?) So I met up with my friend, (cancelled the 1st monthsary date with my SO) we had lunch together, and we talked. He then told me what happened. His girl, was seeing someone else, for two years, without him knowing. (To make matters worse, the guy his girl's going out with is married (with kids) to add insult to injury, he was only a utility personnel in the same company where the gf's working.) I was shocked, all I could ever say was "Oh my God", "I’m sorry", and "Really?" I mean, he suffered more than I did and yet I wasn't there. I refused to be there because of someone who doesn't even care for me? I was really sorry, if only I could hug him, if nobody was there I could've hugged him, cry, and say "I'm sorry I wasn't there like you were for me". I just sit there, saying nothing. My heart sank when he told me, "Tapos dili dyon ka magpakita sa ako because you've someone na. That's minus one friend for me..."

We went to his place after that, he even introduced me to his aunt. (That meant a lot too coz his family knew what his gf did to him, his aunt just smiled at me.) We watched a movie we liked after that. We were just sitting sa couch, me leaning against him, him, putting an arm around me. We even straightened up and fixed ourselves (acted formal) when his aunt passed yet we returned to the prior position after that. And we talked after that. He even said, "When will we watch the next part?" I didn't answer, changed the topic? I don't really remember. Then when it was getting dark I told him I’ve to go. He still wanted to spend time with me after that but I told him I can't, I’ve to go to church with my bf. So he just let me go. But he kissed my cheek on the way out. It was funny coz even though we've had each other, that time was like the first time. We were like twitching, electrified when our bodies come in contact. That was something...

I broke up with my bf days after that... I then had dinner with my friend. I told him what happened, he just laughed, and said "TO THINK HE'S MUCH OLDER THAN YOU...” We talked but again, we were professionals. We were like observing each other. I told him that I find it so hard being alone, no dates that I’m so used having someone with me. He told me, you don't need to be with someone to make you happy. I insisted that we do, those ahmm you feel alone, u need someone who'll be there. Then he said you've friends. Yeah I said but a woman's friends are not like that of men esp. mine. We can't go out at night; they spend their time with their bf's, who will be there for me. He told me I had a point. When I asked him when he'll be in a relationship again, he said he'll give himself a 6months gap. Well, since they've been on for 6 years, I told him, "NO, YOU NEED A YEAR..." then I laughed. When dinner was through, he told me his vacant times when he walked me, saying his free on this and that (an invitation for a date? I took it that way...)

So it was like that, but I didn't like took the offer. It’s this stupid ego of mine and I was thinking he just might be into me because he's alone, he's been dooped just like I did. The love of my life kept calling me after that. Saying what I heard wasn't true, and so I ran to my friend again. I told him that I feel so alone, I’m like in the verge of getting back with my ex. He told me (he was joking first) "IM HERE, I'LL BE UR BF, BEST FRIEND lol” Then I told him (insisted) that I need my bf to do things I wanna do (me being very lambing and all). He said: "IM HERE, UR BF WHO YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO DO" Then I finally told him that the love of my life is like coming back and he was furious, he said I know na what I have to do, we didn't communicate na after that.

So days passed, and since I was scolded, I didn't bother check up on him again or give hints I want to see him. I followed his advice ("YOU DON'T NEED TO BE WITH SOMEBODY TO BE HAPPY") and respected the gap he mentioned before he'll be with someone again. It was the end of April when I txt him, asked if he's free, asked him out. His response came way late at night. I finally got a hold of his friendster account and horror of horrors; you won’t believe what I saw... "IM IN LOVE AGAIN!" it said sa bulletin. I was shocked, wide eyed... What does that mean? I asked him, he spilled the beans.

He has someone na. I was mortified. I was asking myself "Wha..? How? He said...” I asked him, "What about me? I thought..." He said "Its ok, you'll find your own..."

Down? Hurt? Words could not equal the pain I felt that time. I had him... I was holding him. He was in my grasp... I just said, "I’m happy for you" I can't fight. I've no right. I've no, nothing...

Saw him with the girl weeks later. If only I could run, I would. But they were right in front of me. I just looked down, and then looked up when we were near. I just held my chest when we passed. I was having a difficulty breathing that time. Ouch! So this is how he felt... I then texted him, "Snob kau bay, salig ky uban iya gf..." He replied some time later, it said “I didn't snob you; you just weren't looking when I looked at you." I then told him "Hey you look good together. You look happy, I'm happy for you." He said "I am... She's everything and all my gf never was. I'm so happy with her." I replied, "Ouch! My loss huh? =) You do look good together with your arm around her coz if it was me, it'd be the other way around." He said "She could also put her around me y'know. Really, I didn't snob you." Chuckled, I told him "I was stressing about the height silly! =) Ey, don't forget to invite me if ever you'll get married k? At least man lang let me witness." He said "Marriage is still a long way for me, but I m considering it. Maybe that's why my last relationship f*cked up because I wasn't thinking about it. Besides she's still 19, maybe after 5years from now. Take Care"

That was it, the last message we ever shared. We never communicated after that. (except one time when I texted him if they'll play sa punchbowl, he said they won't be, their guitarist can't make it) Our paths crossed just last July 31, I was walking sa mall when I had that being looked at feeling. It was him, he was looking at me, kinda a hesitant look, indecisive, looked liked he wanna say hi, but he moved to the side and continued on his way when he saw that I was talking to someone on my phone. I then saw him, kinda said "Oi...” I was hesitant to cut the line line, I turned around, decided to try talk to him but on of the three men I’ve been in the jeep with (they we're following me) quickly approached him (must have sensed I know the guy, I think he tried to ask for my num from him) so I just looked at them, still talking on the phone and waited. But they talked there for a minute and I was kind of ashamed, I didn't have the guts to face him (the timing was off, someone stopped me just when I mustered the confidence) that I kind of walked ahead then I was quite far, I then decided to go on my way.

Was that fate? I mean was it fate that stopped us to talk again? I told my officemate, she said "You just weren't meant to talk that time." But that look, it was like dumbfounded, kinda like he was walking then something held him back, there was a force, I saw his body nudge. It was an opportunity, his gf wasn't there, at least exchange “Hi”'s, mangumusta and stuff. I just miss my friend; I have so many things to tell him, I’ve things to ask him. He looked different, improved, he now looked cute. Nagpa"CHUY" and kabaw =) he wasn't like that, never like that. His gf must've changed him, inspired him. That was good, but he was my one that got away. I just want to tell him that.

Well, so goes my story. My one that got away story. I’m happy for him though, I’m just puzzled why we can't be friends and change views like we did before. Does the girl know bout us? Did he ever tell her? I don't want to break them up. He's happy with her, I do acknowledge that, I respect that... But he was my friend, my best friend once. Why not let it continue? I hope time will come for me to know is reasons. I just want to let him know that I miss him and that I did loved him and that I’m sorry for not noticing it, for letting him go by. I’m just plain stupid, it's because I’m afraid. Afraid to get hurt, afraid to love... Time, please heal thy wounds....

Clark Kent, I MISS YOU.

bwahaha

Hmmmm... my question was answered and boy do i pity the people? myself? whoever hehehe But im so kewl now... Whew... For my friends, THANK YOU, you cleared my mind... BIG TIME...THANKS....

Well, if you're wondering what it is that helped me, read on
Finally, the words I've been looking for… After wallowing, (my that's too harsh, lets change the word..Ahmm say) After reflecting, I finally mastered the courage to post the one thing that's been bothering me for some time now. I asked my friends, male friends (online) about their views on why MEN CHEAT. I've to post because i've no one else to ask and I can't like ask the recent guy's SO because of some personal conflicts(?) and also hindered with the opportunity to ask the men who did it to me personally. So here are their views, their posts, their ideas, their suggestions and a shocking revelation i found bout myself....
my post>Mga amigo ko, TABANG! hehehe ala lang, i just wanna ask you something. Ano man jud, it's the fifth tym na, as in sunod2x na...
Ahmm i'd like to ask, what are your reasons why you cheat on your gf's? It's not na they cheated on me, well, partly they did but, i'm the second party, FIFTH time na ha, from Dec last year till July of this year. And whats unlikely, is that they are in a long term relationship. How long term? a minimum of 2 a maximum of 6 and a half. So i'd better rephrase the question then, WHAT ARE THE REASONS WHY U CHEAT ON UR SO EVEN WITH THAT SPAN A RELATIONSHIP? haha i came up with this nasty reason, to take away the pain nlang pud dn at least feel better... Wafa lang jud sguro ko ky niexert man jud sla effort pra lang mauban ko, though they risk the loss of their SO? haha i even put it like, a local product, yet competitive in the international market. Why exaggerate to that extent? Well, its because d basta basta yong mga lalaking yon eh, A mestizo, a drag racer, from prominent families, basta they've the green. Then i wasn't the one who came to them, they came to me...
Just want to hear your ideas. Please don't think na nanghambug ko or anythin. Im just confused and angry(?) [i kinda am] that I've decided that's it, no more men. Please... TENCHU po!
Oh some reasons i've come up with, aside na they might've found me really attractive (well, some confirmed it) are virility and human nature? well that still points back to virility... :scratches head: :shrugs:
======[Y] i disagree that all men cheat! not all men are cheaters... nfact nangita lang na ang men ug way unsaon nya nga mkabuhi na cya sa relationship. hehehe======[Y] I agree with [LT] that not all men are cheaters.
[LT] - Ala, "let me be the one to break it up so you don't have to make excuses" nga eksena is tolerable but ngita lang ug paagi para makabuhi sa relationship is heartless. You don't get into a relationship just to find a way out soon.
Just my two cents.=====all men are THE MEN...
i don't agree with the previous guys... hahahahaha
di bitaw, kung dugay na man gud, usahay mangita gyud ang lalake ug bag-o na experience... busa mang-chicks siya usahay.
dali ra na ang solution para sa mga babae ana. i-threaten na bulagan nimo siya, di ba... mag-luhod2x gyud na balik sa inyo... hahahaha=====lagi not all man are cheaters. although its our nature pero dli sab tnan..some abuse it, some use it in a good way..good way in a sense na they cheat to survive..to get away...although sa uban mali, pro nkatabang...
preha ra gud na sa pamakak..pwede pang good, pwede pang bad.. =]=====i may have lied.. but damn.. i didn't cheat.. hehehe
taking into account the past years.. i did cheat.. and the reason behind it was that i wasn't too serious with our relationship.. and yeah.. juz like matt said.. mangita og bag-o nga experiences.. pero as for me.. i had enough.. lol so dili nako mangita..
matt, dli man mu-apply kang Kim ang kanang pagthreaten kay dili man sya gyud ang uyab.. naa gani lain uyab ang guy..
well kim.. you have learned your lesson for the 5th time.. know the guy first.. lol do some spy work.. hehehe=====Spy work is not a good way to go. I show distrust before the onset of a relationship. Relationships are based on trust.
Boys don't want a rock steady commitment, they're all rock stars, "live fast, die young", "Sa langit wala ang beer", "Cool guys", etc. etc. their lives rock alright... rockingly shaky... and these are the boys who do have the greens to live life like a party. But to a male specie defense, not all boys cheat, not all boys are rock stars. Some are home buddies, excessive mama's boy, geeks, nerds, and the "anti-social" types (they're not anti-social per se, it's more like the majority of society has been programmed to shun them/us).
Ever heard of Andrew E's quaint rap "humanap ka nang pangit"? Funny but true, try trusting and loving one of types i've mentioned above. It might work. Just don't the one that comes you're way right away alright. That guys might be reading this thread.
And one last thing, wag ka naman talaga humanap ng pangit, just look for someone you're sure you're gonna have fun with. Just enjoy the friendship and it could help to lock into a boys head where his hands, lips, and eyes aren't supposed to go, alright?! Boys stretch the limits and explore boundaries so better develop a hands off system. They could only be after sex... then *poof*====>>hehehe salamat po! Hmm my reactions then...
Well, kna imong post Matt, yup, ur so right [esp na dugay na sila esp sa akong case na 3-4yrs (span) ang naay gf na nanguyab, nauyab, or nag Woe sa akoa] i dont really know how the story happened pro maybe kinda inana, threatened to leave them, POOF, faster than lightning, mwala dyon. but some, save face. Ang gsulti ky nagbalik sa gf so i just said i understand ky dugay na pud bya sila, 4yrs, but then, TOINKZ! haha wla man diay nagbulag, nasapnan man diay. maybe he did dat pra i wont like get hurt but then ambot, sakit man jpon
@ShanemagSpy? im not dat desperate, i just go out with them then see wat goes from their (esp f gnahan ko sa guy, d way we connect and stuff) but heres the killer blow, INTRODUCES ME TO FAMILY & FRIENDS, TAKES ME TO THEIR PLACE or HOME, SEEN IN PUBLIC WITH ME, GOODBYE KISSES IN PUBLIC so how will i like know they have gf's dba? tapos, prominent family, di, ilado sa public so the stupid Kim, kinda trusts ky ilado man so if naa xa gf, i think mahadlok man jud xa mgpakita sa public with me dba?Then they have feelings, mkafeel man pd ko ba though if ask nmo ang girl, she may say ahmm deny that, dn say like am im a trying hard storyteller daw (based a2 ako words b4 SUNSET) dn the guy daw "TELLING THE TRUTH".. They're just good actors i guess... WHATEVER!
Ambot lagi bay, coz i dont really know the truth, coz i cant read sum1s mind, i just shrug now. Ambot sab kha why ako gkaTming-ngan, as in wla jud gap. Sugod Dec last year till july this year. Grabe na pud oi, pwede uban nlang? nkarecover na unta ko, giUsban nsab...
n ur humanap kang pangit thing.. Im not really into superficial stuff. The cover or prelude never tells the real contents of the book till u've read it. Ive been thru dat napud and many times have i lost sum1 coz of this principle(?) of mine... I DONT WNA BE N A RELATIONSHIP COZ A GUY LIKE KNOWS NA I COD LOVE PURELY (or be it the other way around) or that THIS GUY SURE WON'T CHEAT ON ME and other stuff.. Love is always a gamble sa start, its always a risk, and being a Business grad, nkaTatak na na sa ako head to take risks and know na its not always a sure deal but unsaon tman, dats me...
I WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME BECAUSE... BECAUSE OF NOTHING, BECAUSE HE JUST LOVES ME...
sure na d na ni ninyo basahon ky taas.. just sharing thoughts ky murag bug-at na ako heart, kailagan na ipagawas=====The relationship goes stale.. that's why...if you want to keep your man dont be his gf..be sum1 unknown..a stranger...i mean keep some mystery intact,play hard to get sometimes.in other words keep him challenged... so that he would still go after you know matter wat.. hope that helps [y]...=====(now this post, i really liked)======I'll try to make this short and sweet.....
MEN cheat because they CAN! to put it more bluntly, men see an opportunity to cheat that's why they DO. they could give all the bullshit in the world when you ask them why they do it and give reasons like: i'm not fulfilled in the present relationship; nasasakal ako; she's too controlling; my mom doesn't like her; etc etc etc but that really doesn't answer your basic query, right YL? here's a scene for you...some guy a girl is dating for a couple of times looks around when the both of them are out together. takes her places not too many people go to. eat "drive-thru" food and shit... so naturally girl gets suspicious. and asks..."naa ka GF???" of course guy will deny but eventually will admit that YES, he has a GF but it's NOT WORKING OUT ANYMORE girl gets hurt, cries...but guy is "sincere" when he tell girl "she's the one" but (and here's the catch) can't tell present GF he don't want her no more coz "it's not proper for a guy to be the one to break up" girl feels betrayed but eventually accepts the fact that "it just might be true" so girl goes on anyway..."bahala na, basta love nko sha!" she says. of course, dream turns into nightmare and guy goes back to long time GF or finds someone new because of fore-mentioned reasons.
WHY DO WE DO IT you may ask?!?!?! because we can... no deeply rooted psychological needs or social pressures or raging hormones... but simply because if a guy feels that he can get away with it, so why not do it. no , planning or deep reflection involved. we just go for it. kung ma sakpan, mangita lusot. but why try to fix if it ain't broke, right?
so you say na it has happened to you a few times na??? because you allow them to. you may not have realized it but you do, gives you a thrill doesn't it? you wanna put a stop to it? hey, why mess up a good thing.
bitaw, believe me, you can spot a cheating guy a hundred miles away. question is do you want to stop? you, my dear, have the power to make it them all go away. i'm not saying to make yourself pangit so you won't attract these guys but the moment you smell something fishy, don't be afraid to ask them. then take it from there. i've given you the first step, it's up to you to go the distance.
i did say "TRY" to make it short and sweet....=====when you say cheating, it means that you have 2 or more SO's right?
hmmm...i haven't cheated per se. since wala pa ko ka experience ug duha ka uyab at the same time. but i'll have to admit i hurt my GF 3 times because of...how would you put it? because of wanting to experience someone new?
why i did it? i don't know. sometimes a relationship lasts too long that we tend to take it for granted already. i was so confused that time and the best advice i received from a friend was:
Quote:bai, kabalo ko nganong gapangita kag lain...kay naa k nakit-an sa uban nga wala nimo nakit-an sa imohang uyab karon. pero huna-hunaa nga aduna pud wala sa uban nga naa sa imohang uyab. ug ang isa ana k ang iyahang gugma kanimo.
when i heard this, nawala gud ang tama sa Red Horse. damn, my friend was right! til then, i have loved my GF more...and we've been together for 5+ years na.
just my...uhhh...5 cents na siguro ni k taas na man.=====
hahaha Tnx master BOOBIE! Wow... Hmmm so my mind's all clear... Salamat po... i might've known ds reasons b4hand but what better way to learn than ask from THE MEHN themselves
But how to stop? hahaha Toinkz I like the thrill ey? the thrill of dating maybe, the thrill that someone (well, they were not just someone) is interested in me.. Of course the ego boost but then when you start to say fall, now thats a different story... When you learn that you're #2, a much painful (if uve like fallen for him) and ahmm say wat elating? (if u didn't?) Hmm the only way i can stop is just not to date? hahaha dang, dat torment? I've like tried dis, for a month and mahn... what a hard thing to do...
But then thank you, im.... ey OK! am back to my bubbly personality again! Wehehe
Now that thing i discovered bout meself... Hmmm.. I was hurt because I felt used, because it happened yet again... haha Enjoyed it? Hmmm when these guys said that, i did enjoy it, but just now.. After the whole thing.. i enjoyed it because HEY, I JUST MIGHT BE SOMETHING hahaha ok im exaggerating again but hey you can use that word too...
What wasn't thrilling was that i fell and I held on, i thought there was something, well if there may or there might not be, im letting it be.. What has happened already happened, let bygones be bygones... I was hurt because i felt i was like a hot potato, dumped because of somebody? but then i wasn't dumped (coz we didn't have a relatinoship,were just hanging out, enjoyed ourselves and stuff) I wasn't dumped coz these guys have someone they value, what they were doing with me, well, they have their reasons, and i've my reasons why i hanged out with them too... So now am so ok, because i wasn't like really ahh basta, whatever.. I was just irresistible i guess...