flashbacks at the appliance shop

A PAIN STRICKEN TRIP TO THE STORE

Before going home, I stopped by the mall to drop my sister’s entries for her wanting to win a new car. Having nothing to do, Marc told me to go window shop for some things at the appliance store. We looked at the coffee makers, laughed at my stupidity as to how a certain fan rotates, and looked at some refrigerators, tried to find one which looked just like the one in my now close friend ex’s kitchen. Marc said some words that made me realized something painful and inevitable. I went on ahead to relieve myself of the pain, trying to pretend that the words didn’t bother me, and looked at some laundry machines trying hard to replace my emotion with the mental picture of my friend’s laundry machine I saw at her home. As I was coping with the pain we went on to the TV’s and looking at the clear, big screens of the LCD TV, scenes of dreams for my life suddenly flashed and took over me.

As the Street Fighter characters simulate a fight before me, my father’s liking for the TV and a dream he told me reminded me of whom he wanted me to be. I remembered him persuade/advise/ask-ing me that I want to become a lawyer someday. I can’t remember what I answered him. Suffering from low self-esteem because of my thin and ugly looks, I think I declined the idea seeing how confident and in the spotlight lawyers were in the movies I saw. Not following my dad’s wish didn’t hurt me at all but not being able to fulfill what I could have become really got to me.

I wanted to leave the place, hating myself for how shallow and simple I took and lived the past twenty five years of my life. I know I have other things to blame for how I turned up to be, but not being strong enough to prove and show the world what I could have become really made me sad. Letting the people that mean most to me down was even more painful. I blamed myself for not knowing how and what life really is. I consider myself quite knowledgeable at school and some things but the knowledge I had back then was just put to waste with the way I think and acted. I wasted my time. I shoved the chance of my becoming something further away and my giving the people I love the things they really need and dream and want.

Eating one of my favorite food didn’t help take my mind of what happened at the store. My insides cried for that which I wasted and neglected. What he said and what I realized inside justified the fact that it is I alone who holds the key to my happiness and my need for self importance. Going to the store didn’t just made me sad and realize where I am now, financially. It made me realize how much time, effort and emotion I wasted with what I did and with what I still do now. I know I need to act if I want to fulfill that which I dream but the pain has taken over me and sometimes it leaves me sleepless and crying in the night. Emptiness, betrayal, and hopelessness overwhelm me and my emotions hinder me to do something about all these things for now…

Saturday, September 6, 2008

wishful thinking

just read this a while ago, twas mailed by a friend…
mushy but cute… how i wish me too. Hope to find and be with hi who’ll love me just as the man who sent his wife Christmas roses…

Christmas Roses

A touching story…….
Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my date this Christmas," like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband’s favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Christmas before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you’d call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."

"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you’ll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card…he did this years ago."

"Then, should ever, I find out that he’s no longer here,
That’s the card…that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote…
"Hello my love, I know it’s been a year since I’ve been gone,
I hope it hasn’t been too hard for you to overcome."

"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."

"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it’s only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."

"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."

"Please…try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door’s not answered, when the florist stops to knock."

"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I’ve instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."

FISH

Haven't been in a relationship for a year and six months now? WOW! What the heck I did it! haha My officemates oughtta be proud of me. Come to think of it, they promised me a gift, a great reward if i could stay bf-less, guy-less for a month and i was able to in a year half. Darn! But anyway, me, I am proud but maybe a bit bothered by it because I wasn't really that wanting to be single... I mean I was trying for the last year but as of 2007, I wasn't but gheez, where are these men. To think I haven't had problems with finding men before but now, i could say I haven't caught a fish in my net.

Gosh, i never thought about that. Kimyah has finally lost her charms and can't snag a guy anymore? My... my... my... I don't think so. I refuse! haha I certainly object it. Well, it is because i'ts not really like i'm not casting my net in the best places, i mean i havent casted my net. It's more like a restaurant where you can choose which fish you want to be grilled in front of you from a tank full of it. I think i did tried to get to know my fish a bit but as i scrutinized them, man have they the defects which will certainly make me ill. I think there was one that was good but was already hooked by somebody else and the fish even told me to yknow, maybe i could SHARE with the one that has her strings on him, like two persons can enjoy and savor his fishliness at the same time just that i was the only one who has to wait till the fish can swim away once the strings arent that tight on him. I mean who the heck does that fish think he is, CAVIAR? hahaha (fish then caviar? i've to check up on my knowledge on fish varieties)

Yeah, i've to admit that was the closest i ever got to being in a relationship with a guy. My ex's fault. He was marketing, selling, promoting the guy, the fish with all his witted glory that I was on all fours, waiting for the day I can see and check the fish by myself. He marketed him well alright, he just didn't mention and didn't knew the fish's snaged. To think i kinda wastd effort and money checking the fish out. Daymn!

Anyway, i did stumble upon a cute, young fish some weeks ago. Just that that fish was good. he snaged me and even took me to test the waters with him and there I was, wading along. That fish was weird though coz it kinda begged me to swim along with him and so i did and the swim was quite good nevertheless...

Now, still single and still looking at different fish varieties, i learned so as not to get too close to the tank and be enamored by their different colors, swimming stokes and varieties. I know better now so as to keep my distance and maybe be in the environment they are in, snorkeling and just watching and admiring them as they swim alone. That fish just as every creature there is are meant to swim free and explore every reef or rock they encounter and just as they are, they are never exempted from being curious with the unfamiliar entity swimming with them, even swimming close and play along but just dart and swim away like the fish that they are. For i to am a fish swimming in unfamiliar waters waiting to be snaged from the watery grave im in, only to be transferred to better waters and nah what am i kidding. Im not even sure if i wanna get caught yet. I want to be but only with the right person who can take care of me. Maybe someday but i hope that if so, i wouldnt be placed on the porcelain plate of doom. Appreciated and savored to the last inch yet just plain dead and never moving.

REHASHED

I'm done... I've like spent a big part of my life waiting and hoping but nadah! Guess there's no other choice but to accept the hurtful fact, I'm just meant to be alone!

Rather than just getting hurt and wasting time hoping, guess i'm left with no choice but to join the club. I'm so done with the hoping and the waiting and the longer that i'm doing it, the number I get. I'm just so fed up and so pissed bout it. There really isn't somebody to give me that i've searvhed for ever since I was born but since i spent the past 24 years of my life without it, why the heck haven't I been used to it. I mean yeah, why the heck am i not used to it and done with it? I've experienced it for 24 years and still i'm hopin? What a freakin waste of my precious time.

Time to rewire and reprogram myself. I'm so done. I just wanna get it over with.

And this time, i'm gonna be firm with it's implementation. Time to test me out. A new me will be born and i'm gonna be enjoyin it...

LOST

04/26/2007
-1:32 am

after talking with a friend, I still felt bad and alone...
Not bad because of a problem not dealt with a solution or something but bad because of a pathetic problem that has been bugging me and of my pessimistic self. but then Being pessimistic, I have always worried bout what lies ahead of me and it isn't that simple anymore. the route I see myself following or going to is already there, a bit clear and definite. What bothers me more is that what waits for me at that route. Would taking the route make me happy than I am now. ts not that Im happy now or unhappy but more like worried again. It's quite silly but it does bother me. What does lie ahead of my life? Would graduating the sourse that I'm taking now bring me to another life quite unlike this one but more importantly, would it take me to a life where I am happy or fulfilled or something. It's not that I do not know what I want, what I want is quite clear to me.I wanna go out and work abroad nd earn and have stuff I don't have and won't have unless I leave the country. I mean that is the least of my problems. What really bothers me more is that would going out fill the void that is here inside me... Would I ever fill that which makes me incomplete with travels, stuff, and money? I don't know but so far, I don't think things could ever fill it up.

Funny but even if i'm tryinhg to stay single and alone, I really really feel the need of somebody special with me. Going abroad is the least of that which I want now. I used to have a drive before. There used to be a reason why I wanna go there, I used to have hope before and a meaning other than just green money.

I'm never the materialistic type. I've always known and have lived with just some stuff with me. Lifestyle is the very least of my worries, a person can always lower the way he lives to suit with that of which he has at the present.

Im just not that motivated to go on with life and with what I do. Indeed I do have a definite purpose but just doing it for my own and for my family who i see as not really having the needof that which I will do nor really deserve because of how they treat me, as motivations. I need somebody to you know, give all that I have to. I have always been selfosh with my stff but I don't know how ii just becoe gullible with giving stuff away when you know, I'm in that blissful situation thing. Maybe people just give away everything for stuff that could really really make them happy.



Frankly, I don't know what to do now. My going to school and the effort I do is more of the grades, the standard I've set to myself ever since i was young but its rather empty. There's nothing I see for it to go to.

God i need somebody to love and love me and it just really really confuses me a lot right now.

I know it's rea;;y not good to search or like let somebody fill up that space in me but what can I do, I've always been deprived since I was young, Nobody was ever proud of me nor was I like soemthing that was worth anything or like something very different. I JUST WANT TO FEEL SPECIAL, thats the path where I'm going, that's the path that I wanna go and follow and fufill.

Love is my very weakness that's why I'm trying to get away, as far away from it but how to hide from something that you know you've always wanted to have?

I don't know what to do. To continue with school and go out when I can just find somebody to marry and take me out? Or maybe find me somebody whom i could love and would love me and marry him and go out? Or not go out and wait for the guy who promised will come back for me when I don't really know if he will and has the 99% chance that he won't but i did love the guy and have feelings for him and could very well just waste some time of my life for him no matter how unreasonable it is but still would verry likely could kill myself if ever he would not...

See, I'm lost.Lost because i need to be loved. I love me bubut there just are spaces i can't fill .

I wish somehow I'd get to the bottom of this and solve this dilemma im in. I don't really know what to do. I mean i know what t do but I'm not sure if im that willing to risk and stuff.

Im soch a loser =)

I just want to have something waiting ahead of me. I just want to have an end, a purpose for walking the mile.

Please, please, pleae, somebody help me. pound my haead to the wall, pavement or something...

Please, anything.....