pathetic!

It just dawned on me... There is one thing that has never ever happened to me no matter how simple it is. So simple that it sounds quite pathetic. Though I've always been an individual who tries to do things he hasn't done or experienced in life, there are just somethings one can't do especially that it needs another life and mind to do it.

I am alone... Alone and had been lonely. I have friends but not even one knows me well. Know me as I am and how I've been and what I do and my traits. Some might've but it is always only up to some extent. The wholeness of my individuality is still a mystery except to me. Nobody knows me and y'know what makes it even worse, it's the fact that nobody wants to even if they can. That's just how complex life turns to be even if it could have been simple.

Days ago, i've been asked bout my plans, with what i've been doing now and it was a surprise when it was mentioned that he was left out. It wasn't really clear what the person meant with his words but then he asked me something that could mean that it has something to do with him. It might not be what he meant but, regarding with that which he asked me, it hasn't really reached my mind. Maybe in the future or i do have it in the list for one of my dreams, one which i wanted to achieve but, WHAT FOR?

Money has never been that important to me. It might be needed for STUFF but then, what does that stuff do to make me happy? I mean why go there when there's nothing to do there, nothing waiting there for me. His place there and my place here isn't that different anyway. What i'll be doing there is still pretty much what i'll be doing here, maybe just economically different but still the same. It would still be empty...

Though people have needs that are heirarchically organized and stuff, I still tend to go back to the very first question before realizing and doing things. WHY AM I HERE IF I WASN'T EVER IMPORTANT TO ANYBODY? Why am I here even if nobody wants to be with me or around me? Am I like a measurement as to how long one can stand living without any worth?

Pathetic questions but it is happening to me. I've never ever had a best friend. I've never even had a friend who wanted to play with me when i was young. I was always either left or cast out. Even in parties I'd hear people asking my mom why I'm different and always have I heard a bad reply, that I am unwanted or something. That even then I'd always get to stay outside because of stuff I did which was out of my control. Im just surprised now that I lived this long enduring all the rejection and unwantedness. That even if ive been with a lot of men, nobody ever even wanted to be with me. That even at school nodoby would choose me or my so called friends wouldnt even ask me out to hang out with them. And always Ive seen that I never did anything bad, that I was just doing stuff the way I do, that I was merely living and sharing the same world they live in but still they want me not with them.

I mean even before I've never been chosen as a partner at play or even at school even if I have the wits to back me up. Even if i never ever even said anything to the other person, even if i havent even uttered a single word to the person in their entire life. It's sad to know that things that happened to me before made me the person I am today. Still wanting the attention, still wanting the want that people would have to me. I've never given up hope coz till now im still waiting for that to happen to me coz it has always been something I've always wanted all the days of my life. Coz no matter how small and attainable it is, i can never ever force people to feel it for me. Not even my parents who should have that love for me have given, have made me feel that importance, what more other people.

I couldnt count or measure the tears and the pain i feel as i push every key to put this down right now but I still am waiting for the day that I achieve this. This simple tiny thing that life could never give to me... That i could forget the time they were late to put that medal I got for being the only person to get the scholarship, for standing there for what seems an eternity looking even for the shadow of my parents compared to the delight of others who were there with their children who didn't even got a single thing. For the time they scolded me coz i got home after them,not even asking what happened to the examination i took which i passed and i was the youngest who took it among the group even if i didnt study or made any reviews. Funny but these are the memories i got for those who would consider it an achievement because not everybody could do it. So what is it's worth, what is my worth if i get nothing but disapproval and dislike for the stuff i do irregardless if it's so good and it's beyond what other people could achieve. Would it ever change if I get to work oversees? Would i be worth something if i let them swim in a pool of money coz at every side i look, nothing i ever did is worth even something.

If hope be like the leaves of trees and mine can't help but just fall, would it live long enough to replace each leaf with a new one? Would the time ever come that the tree can no longer have any leaf to fall? If nothing i ever did is important, what's it to stuff I'm doing now? Would i ever be worth something someday or will i die ever searching for that single soul that will make me feel that i am not only something but everything to them?

I don't know but i think it's all i ever searched in my life and i'm afraid that i'd die if ever i find it even if i only get to feel a second that i am worth something... Yes, i'd rather die than see myself again peering over peoples shoulders searching and waiting for that person to come and make me feel special. that ever elusive thing that i have searched all these years of my life.

getting by with being pathetic

Funny how the tide has turned for me yesterday but i still am oblivious as to "IF I SHOULD GO ON WITH IT OR NOT" coz really, i have no such feeling to be in a relationship again. I mean I was just made a fool a week ago and already i'll be putting myself in that situation again? No way Jose!

It's just painful and insulting, the incident that happened to me the past 2 weeks. I mean I believed a friend and trusted him, believing that he'll deliver me out of the hell hole i've been in for the past 2... 3 years but I just found myself digging a lil more to the pit i'm in... Oh what the hell, I'll dig meself out. Nothing's gonna happen if i'll wait and rely on soomebody else...

But going back to what has happened, I don't and can't really say what got into me... Love rush? February rush? But what ever it is, it was so bad... Damn that guy who recommended that guy haha... I mean I was falling for a guy who was a friend of this other guy i dated a long long time ago and he said not to fall for the guy coz he ain't worth it and he promised to have me meet up with this other guy whom he knows a lot coz he felt sorry for me and he did hurt me a long time ago too, maybe atone for the stuff he did or something and I BELIEVED HIM. Darn it!

I mean picture me out, picture kimyAh becoming a throw rug for a guy she doesn't even really like or picture herself being with just because of the RECOMMENDATION. It's so funny but I did. I compromised everything. The wall I set up to keep people away was gone, even the infamous standard for men i'l go out with was gone. OMG! (damnit! I did that much???)

I mean I did and now that im done with it, i sat down and think bout the consolation (like please don't make me cry again) for the thing that happened. I mean I was even at a point where I was gonna kneel or something? Im such a loser...

But then, looking back, I can really say that I really am no martyr. That there are just some standards i can't possibly compromise or bend. I mean, it's become a principle coz i have nothing but just myself and if i let people step on me, it's so worthless. i mean I didn't came all the way to where I am now (wait a minute, where am I haha) to just let people do that to me. I aint gonna back down. Though it sucks a lot coz i really might be living alone for the rest of my life but instead of being sorry for my sorry ass and cry and wail and be pathetic and stuff, I decided that I already cried a lot and im not gonna shed a tear again for being alone again but instead I'm gonna take care of me from now on. Like if somebody can't stick with just only me and put up with me then i'm gonna give them what they want and do for myself that which i want.

It sucks but, I'M ALL I HAVE... But the good side of it is, Ive made people cry and beg on their knees before to be with me so I know that I'm the best there is with the loving and caring so why not do it for me. At least I know what they'll be missing ;)



A change of profile, coz i've changed...

Hmmm where to start? Guess i'll just answer a question someone asked me, "HOW"S LIFE BEEN TREATING ME THIS DAYS?"

LIFE? It has been KEWL! I'm used doing things alone and have lived up to the words someone i loved yet *#@$, told me before, "YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE TO BE HAPPY..."

Indeed, i think it is true. My life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to be. (esp. right after i was done with school). It has been happy then painful. I've had the share of PAIN, was really really hurt. But I've learned a lot and I'm so glad that I got through it.

LET THE PAST BURY ITS DEAD, and so I did and look what it made me now. A stone cold and bitter person. Hahaha nah for love i am but for life, Im living it, savoring every moment of it.

Really, I'm kewl and i've forgiven the people who've hurt me. They still contributed to the person I am today and Im happy for that.

But best of all, because of them, I'VE HAD THE TIMES OF MY LIFE, and not evryone gets to experience that...For that, I thank you...

Since there still is some space left, well, I am a TRUE BLUE MALDITA, REALLY SARCASTIC, SENSITIVE, PERVERTED yet OPENMINDED, REALISTIC, a PESSIMIST, a CYNIC =)

I LOVE TAKING pictures of MYSELF, especially in those undies, A CERTIFIED FRUSTRATED MODEL. Im too skinny, & not that tall enough to qualify (5'3 and all). And WHATS WRONG WITH THAT? I mean IM NOT BEING LEWD, ur the one thinking dirty. You deal with it.

I mean im so sick of them criticizing me coz of my pictures. They're just pictures. What u see aint what u really get! I pity you, you're so soo shallow. But whatever! Its your life. Just don't let me catch you saying such LEWD stuff. Oh well, i'll just pray o'er your pathetic souls, you SHALLOW, PRETENTIOUS HYPOCRITES!

All i know is that I AM HUMAN, and I've made mistakes. But at least i get to live my life. I try to, though its harsh...

--
TRUST ME, I KNOW THESE THINGS9:04 AM 2/26/2007


specifically, it would have to be MICHAEL ERIC S. GARING pro ala na si gebz eh... so eto, ewan, nabubuhay nlang.

Anyway, i've been building a wall around me, to keep people out and to see who cares to break it but nah, im a loner and it's kinda ok. Im used to it. Better than to get hurt... Ive given a shot at love but nah, maybe SOMEDAY, maybe NEVER...

Im just getting thru life, as if Ive a choice anyway. Its just that Ive been through so much that im numb with feelings.Numb or either i just don't want to feel the pain(again) Pathetic but TRUE and i've lived thru it for almost a year now so why not continue?

Im just not sure if id be able to survive another one so i've decided not to be in one so if ever anybody's interested, i's better tht you stay away or like maybe just state your intentions so we can set limits =)

anyway... let's just see...

numb

Sigh... I'm numb (finally...)
I just got the last straw and that was it. I've had enough. Trusting people is a big issue for me, with intimate relationships i mean. I just can't... I've had it. They're all enough for me.
I just haven't met anybody who could really stick to the person they say they love. I mean for me, Love entails loyalty, fidelity and commitment. Its just impossible to serve two masters at the same time or say like if ever, that the treatment would e like EQUAL. There'll always be someone who's gonna be on top. That can never be for me. I just want to be THE ONLY ONE and it's so hard for people to commit to it, to even keep it. I just can't see why loving is like that for some people coz it never is for me.

And because of this, im vowing to my single life. So what if i'll cry every night coz i wish somebody to love me, hug me and stuff. It'll still be the same anyway if i ever get to be in a relationship. People cant keep the stuff they say. They even forget to comply to a dinner they've kept on saying for some time, what more something that they say they'll keep forever.

I dunno, i just don't feel anything now though i'm opening to spending time with somebody. It's more like a play for me. Acting, role playing and stuff but feelings? I don't feel em anymore. I finally suceeded to shut my door and i'll keep it closed as much as i could. There's just nothin to lovin but disappointments and tears and pain so why love again? I can go be with people who'll treat me special anyway, I can just act and let them feel theyre special to me too to maybe keep it goin bout it's all for show. Like they'd be affected anyway...

Oh well, i'll just be livin me life.

meet me

change change change again
who am i really... Hmm i dunno, i still am at a process of getting to know myself and it's so interesting haha

Anyway, first, i know i'm a she-male.. There's nothing feminine bout me, except maybe with my clothes and that's it. I mean i prefer rock/alternative music compared to pop/r&b, i like cars and anything with wheels in it, i prefer to sit and chill than to pretty meself up and i even like to ogle girls... OMG! haha I am very straight but that's really the MAN side of me. I'm so iffeminate and ive problems with the woman being submisssive and meek. It jst goes against the way i was raised. Ive been very independent since i was 8. Im jst rly used to doin stuff my way and doin it at my own terms that's why i so so hate authority.

And i've masks, people do see me as bubly and very very talkative but really it's not really who i am if you dig deeper into me. As they say, a clown smiles to hide his problems.Im just so deep that even i wouldnt wanna dig that far. Who would want to uncover patheticness anyway?

Hmmm... oh yeah, I can be really nasty too esp if im beyond my limit of being nice. Believe me, you wouldn't wanna be in my way by that time.

and i love doing things i've never dome before. I just want to make most of my life. Ive lived a life of regrets so now that im kinda over em, i promised not to do it the WHAT IF's agn. That sucks!

Oh well, that'd be all. If you wanna get to know me then get to know me...

Who i'd like to meet? Hmmm a person whom i can spend my time with doing stuff that i & the other person likes, be him a lover or a friend.

Ive kinda had enough with relationships. They don't work anyway! I haven't met the asshole who's willing to stick with ONLY ME anyway. How tough is sticking to just one person anyway that people can't do it? and people would even say that they're sick or fed up with the other person, that they know them that well thats why they go look and get to know somebody else, WTF! haha I don't even know myself that much even when i lived with just me as company. I even get to uncover stuff about me that i never knew was there before. (That's such a pathetic excuse, make another one!)

And ahmm i do have this big wall separating me from other people. i mean i got hurt Godamnit! what do you do to a plant that everybody steps on? U build a wall to protect the plant and that's what I do, did! Duh...

Im a loner though i wain that IM SO LONELY but I'm a loner. Well face it, i'd rather b alone than be with people who cant keep their hands to themselves or even them dimwitted people who doesn't have anything to talk about or people who do stuff which aint fun for me. I mean I don't really associate myself with people who has nothing to do with my life anyway. believe me, we're both doing ourselves a favor =)

basta, that's it. The only person who i really wanna meet is the person who can make me the happiest woman in the world, that guy who can sweep me off my feet, take care of me, Love ONLY me and BE with only me. If it's you then what the heck are you still doing reading this? COmE Rock My WoRld!!!