It just dawned on me... There is one thing that has never ever happened to me no matter how simple it is. So simple that it sounds quite pathetic. Though I've always been an individual who tries to do things he hasn't done or experienced in life, there are just somethings one can't do especially that it needs another life and mind to do it.
I am alone... Alone and had been lonely. I have friends but not even one knows me well. Know me as I am and how I've been and what I do and my traits. Some might've but it is always only up to some extent. The wholeness of my individuality is still a mystery except to me. Nobody knows me and y'know what makes it even worse, it's the fact that nobody wants to even if they can. That's just how complex life turns to be even if it could have been simple.
Days ago, i've been asked bout my plans, with what i've been doing now and it was a surprise when it was mentioned that he was left out. It wasn't really clear what the person meant with his words but then he asked me something that could mean that it has something to do with him. It might not be what he meant but, regarding with that which he asked me, it hasn't really reached my mind. Maybe in the future or i do have it in the list for one of my dreams, one which i wanted to achieve but, WHAT FOR?
Money has never been that important to me. It might be needed for STUFF but then, what does that stuff do to make me happy? I mean why go there when there's nothing to do there, nothing waiting there for me. His place there and my place here isn't that different anyway. What i'll be doing there is still pretty much what i'll be doing here, maybe just economically different but still the same. It would still be empty...
Though people have needs that are heirarchically organized and stuff, I still tend to go back to the very first question before realizing and doing things. WHY AM I HERE IF I WASN'T EVER IMPORTANT TO ANYBODY? Why am I here even if nobody wants to be with me or around me? Am I like a measurement as to how long one can stand living without any worth?
Pathetic questions but it is happening to me. I've never ever had a best friend. I've never even had a friend who wanted to play with me when i was young. I was always either left or cast out. Even in parties I'd hear people asking my mom why I'm different and always have I heard a bad reply, that I am unwanted or something. That even then I'd always get to stay outside because of stuff I did which was out of my control. Im just surprised now that I lived this long enduring all the rejection and unwantedness. That even if ive been with a lot of men, nobody ever even wanted to be with me. That even at school nodoby would choose me or my so called friends wouldnt even ask me out to hang out with them. And always Ive seen that I never did anything bad, that I was just doing stuff the way I do, that I was merely living and sharing the same world they live in but still they want me not with them.
I mean even before I've never been chosen as a partner at play or even at school even if I have the wits to back me up. Even if i never ever even said anything to the other person, even if i havent even uttered a single word to the person in their entire life. It's sad to know that things that happened to me before made me the person I am today. Still wanting the attention, still wanting the want that people would have to me. I've never given up hope coz till now im still waiting for that to happen to me coz it has always been something I've always wanted all the days of my life. Coz no matter how small and attainable it is, i can never ever force people to feel it for me. Not even my parents who should have that love for me have given, have made me feel that importance, what more other people.
I couldnt count or measure the tears and the pain i feel as i push every key to put this down right now but I still am waiting for the day that I achieve this. This simple tiny thing that life could never give to me... That i could forget the time they were late to put that medal I got for being the only person to get the scholarship, for standing there for what seems an eternity looking even for the shadow of my parents compared to the delight of others who were there with their children who didn't even got a single thing. For the time they scolded me coz i got home after them,not even asking what happened to the examination i took which i passed and i was the youngest who took it among the group even if i didnt study or made any reviews. Funny but these are the memories i got for those who would consider it an achievement because not everybody could do it. So what is it's worth, what is my worth if i get nothing but disapproval and dislike for the stuff i do irregardless if it's so good and it's beyond what other people could achieve. Would it ever change if I get to work oversees? Would i be worth something if i let them swim in a pool of money coz at every side i look, nothing i ever did is worth even something.
If hope be like the leaves of trees and mine can't help but just fall, would it live long enough to replace each leaf with a new one? Would the time ever come that the tree can no longer have any leaf to fall? If nothing i ever did is important, what's it to stuff I'm doing now? Would i ever be worth something someday or will i die ever searching for that single soul that will make me feel that i am not only something but everything to them?
I don't know but i think it's all i ever searched in my life and i'm afraid that i'd die if ever i find it even if i only get to feel a second that i am worth something... Yes, i'd rather die than see myself again peering over peoples shoulders searching and waiting for that person to come and make me feel special. that ever elusive thing that i have searched all these years of my life.
I am alone... Alone and had been lonely. I have friends but not even one knows me well. Know me as I am and how I've been and what I do and my traits. Some might've but it is always only up to some extent. The wholeness of my individuality is still a mystery except to me. Nobody knows me and y'know what makes it even worse, it's the fact that nobody wants to even if they can. That's just how complex life turns to be even if it could have been simple.
Days ago, i've been asked bout my plans, with what i've been doing now and it was a surprise when it was mentioned that he was left out. It wasn't really clear what the person meant with his words but then he asked me something that could mean that it has something to do with him. It might not be what he meant but, regarding with that which he asked me, it hasn't really reached my mind. Maybe in the future or i do have it in the list for one of my dreams, one which i wanted to achieve but, WHAT FOR?
Money has never been that important to me. It might be needed for STUFF but then, what does that stuff do to make me happy? I mean why go there when there's nothing to do there, nothing waiting there for me. His place there and my place here isn't that different anyway. What i'll be doing there is still pretty much what i'll be doing here, maybe just economically different but still the same. It would still be empty...
Though people have needs that are heirarchically organized and stuff, I still tend to go back to the very first question before realizing and doing things. WHY AM I HERE IF I WASN'T EVER IMPORTANT TO ANYBODY? Why am I here even if nobody wants to be with me or around me? Am I like a measurement as to how long one can stand living without any worth?
Pathetic questions but it is happening to me. I've never ever had a best friend. I've never even had a friend who wanted to play with me when i was young. I was always either left or cast out. Even in parties I'd hear people asking my mom why I'm different and always have I heard a bad reply, that I am unwanted or something. That even then I'd always get to stay outside because of stuff I did which was out of my control. Im just surprised now that I lived this long enduring all the rejection and unwantedness. That even if ive been with a lot of men, nobody ever even wanted to be with me. That even at school nodoby would choose me or my so called friends wouldnt even ask me out to hang out with them. And always Ive seen that I never did anything bad, that I was just doing stuff the way I do, that I was merely living and sharing the same world they live in but still they want me not with them.
I mean even before I've never been chosen as a partner at play or even at school even if I have the wits to back me up. Even if i never ever even said anything to the other person, even if i havent even uttered a single word to the person in their entire life. It's sad to know that things that happened to me before made me the person I am today. Still wanting the attention, still wanting the want that people would have to me. I've never given up hope coz till now im still waiting for that to happen to me coz it has always been something I've always wanted all the days of my life. Coz no matter how small and attainable it is, i can never ever force people to feel it for me. Not even my parents who should have that love for me have given, have made me feel that importance, what more other people.
I couldnt count or measure the tears and the pain i feel as i push every key to put this down right now but I still am waiting for the day that I achieve this. This simple tiny thing that life could never give to me... That i could forget the time they were late to put that medal I got for being the only person to get the scholarship, for standing there for what seems an eternity looking even for the shadow of my parents compared to the delight of others who were there with their children who didn't even got a single thing. For the time they scolded me coz i got home after them,not even asking what happened to the examination i took which i passed and i was the youngest who took it among the group even if i didnt study or made any reviews. Funny but these are the memories i got for those who would consider it an achievement because not everybody could do it. So what is it's worth, what is my worth if i get nothing but disapproval and dislike for the stuff i do irregardless if it's so good and it's beyond what other people could achieve. Would it ever change if I get to work oversees? Would i be worth something if i let them swim in a pool of money coz at every side i look, nothing i ever did is worth even something.
If hope be like the leaves of trees and mine can't help but just fall, would it live long enough to replace each leaf with a new one? Would the time ever come that the tree can no longer have any leaf to fall? If nothing i ever did is important, what's it to stuff I'm doing now? Would i ever be worth something someday or will i die ever searching for that single soul that will make me feel that i am not only something but everything to them?
I don't know but i think it's all i ever searched in my life and i'm afraid that i'd die if ever i find it even if i only get to feel a second that i am worth something... Yes, i'd rather die than see myself again peering over peoples shoulders searching and waiting for that person to come and make me feel special. that ever elusive thing that i have searched all these years of my life.
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