i kinda am but nah hahaha
at least a test of my will and everything and i dunno
i still have ahmmm a lot of yknow what hehe
jst trying to make me way by the world and besides, why help anybody who wouldn't wanna be helped anyway...
hmmm... i'll miss you people but hey, i'll see you at the top or somewhere
my intro at kb893.com's message board.. well, it's kinda really me hahaha so post, post, post... my blog anyway
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hi im Kim, im a SHE-male having no bOObs & all
im 23 & crap, what else do you wanna know bout me?
Im not gonna say anything bout how i look since we're doing this online and all. Im just gonna stay stuff bout my personality ONLINE...
Really, i dont give a damn about my posts. Its like im just having fun, posting truths and half truths esp those kinky stuff. I mean unless done in reality, i really dont take sex seriously. I'll blabber pretty much anything about it, im not doing it anyway while im posting my message & stuff so WHY CARE? & for that people kinda judge me and PRESUME stuff which really aren't real. Again, i don't give a damn, crap or whatever AS LONG as your life & my life aint affecting each other then YOU & I can do anything we want to do.
I am quite sensitive and i can easily burst in flames, become a ravaging tiger especially if somebody tries to attack me ESPECIALLY if i haven't done anything BAD or offensive or stuff to them. Beware coz ive the PRIDE which i wont and never will allow to be stepped on. I mean cmon, what'll you get if you attack me? (oh but then again you'll be famous coz im gonna make a THREAD just for you or even yet a POEM!) >:-) Just stay out of my freakin way or ill tear you up in pieces with my little cutie claws
Hmmm what else? oh, im Ms KNOW-IT-ALL here. I say stuff & ul think im trying to overpower you (oh cmon, cant u just accept that ur a dimwit? hehehe kiddin) but really, im just sharing ideas. IDEAS & FACTS are different so if ever you are affected, not my fault. Ive just been thru stuff which armed me the crap i say ;-)
Just say, be openminded so as to not be hurt and stuff, im trying my best to be considerate & all anyway. Just that I dont really say stuff which doesnt have a point. Just dont read my post if you don't like wat yer reading hehehe
And im Ms ENGLISH teacher/dean here hahaha Dont ahmm get hurt if i laugh at yer grammar. I just find it funny but im not gonna attack u for that. im just gonna roll over, laughing my butt off and thank you bcoz i really dont laugh that easy
i think that is enough. Since we're all new here, im a newbie too. Im not gonna shoo you off if you're being rude & stuff since i can always just ask dear ole (no names allowed) to ban you LOL
See yah in the threads!
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trying this one out...
i'd like to thank my sponsors =D
a post at kb893.com's forum...
Very enlightening, so why not post it here?
Very significant for virgins and would be or pretend virgin hypocrites hahaha
read on and GOOD LUCK!
Why Men want Sex and Women Want Love
by Elena Solomon
author of 12 Simple RulesMen are frustrated with women because they never want sex.
Women are frustrated with men because they always want sex.Women blame men that they don't know how to love.
Men blame women that they only talk about love but don't want to make it.Whether you are a man or a woman, reading this article can change your life - finally, you will be able to get rid of your frustrations about the opposite gender.
The reason humans want sex is due to the hormone testosterone, which is predominantly male hormone. A normal male's body produces 20 times more of this hormone than a female's.
In other words, a male feels the same way after one day without sex as a female after 20 days without sex. A male that has not had sex in 20 days feels the same way as a female after more than a year without sex.
Knowing this simple difference, you can already understand the pain of the opposite gender. It's NOT their fault: they are made this way! It's in our genes! This is the reason why men are men and women are women.
Men and women are DIFFERENT.
Not better or worse, just different.A man can father a child every time he has sex, and a woman can only mother a child every two years or so. This means, a woman HAS TO be picky about who she allows to have sex with her.
For generations women were paying too high a price for making a wrong choice. Women that have chosen men with bad genes had a weaker offspring and their children struggled to survive. Women that have chosen men with good genes had a stronger offspring and their children survived disproportionably. Those children were carrying their picky mother's genes and this is why those female genes were passed to us.
On the other hand, men never had adverse consequences of making a wrong choice. The more children they produced, the higher was their chance to pass their genes to future generations, as some of them would certainly survive. While men were determined to seek better genes too, they had to grab all chances to procreate coming their way to ensure their genes would be passed forward. The men that ONLY stuck with one woman (even a high quality woman) were losing genetically to the men that used all of their opportunities and had many more children that survived. Those children were carrying their father's promiscuous genes, and this is why those male genes were passed to us.
By Nature men are made to seek as much sex as they can get, so they can spread their seed wider.
By Nature women are made to seek as many admirers as they can get, so they can make a better choice and get the best seed.
Men seek quantity - women seek quality.
This is why men seek sex and women seek love.
Love is the proof that a woman needs to have some assurance that the man will stick around and help her with the upbringing of the offspring. For a woman, sex is the culmination of her emotional commitment to a man.
For a man, sex is a physical act that eases the testosterone pressure he experiences constantly. Only after this tension has gone, can a man feel love towards a woman. This is why it often happens that men disappear after they got what they wanted: it wasn't love; it was the testosterone pressure. Sex for men is the reality check of their passion.
This is why having sex early in the relationship is hazardous for women: the man has not had the time to develop any romantic feelings for her. He needs time to develop those feelings, and the only way to do it is through keeping the sexual tension going for as long as practicable. Sex must be attainable, nearly possible - but not quite. When the sexual tension is at its peak, its release is mind-blowing - and once is never enough, which lays a proper foundation for a future relationship - and love.
Men fall in love through sex; women fall in sex through love.
All of this happens on the unconscious level - we do NOT realize what's going on.
But the reason why you are here today and alive is because each and every of your ancestors, men and women, acted true to their instincts and managed to attract at least one sexual partner and produce an offspring.
So, there is no need to be bitter about men wanting sex and women wanting love. Those two are the necessary pieces of the puzzle called Survival Of The Species.
And you'll be better off understanding what the other gender is going through and giving them exactly what they want: a mind-blowing sex or exhilarating love.
WHAT I HATE THE MOST
Orders and Authority
I hate it when people order me around and tell me what to do and insist that i do it
If it's not work related and if i'm not doing anything bad/wrong, then I don't see any reason why i should do what the person told me to.
And insisting i do it and saying it again and again and again just ticks me... I'm not stupid and I very well know what's RIGHT from WRONG so please, don't ever ever do that.
I only do what i want to do or if i want to please the person who told me to do it or if i don't have the authority to rebel or if i don't want to disappoint the person...
take note, keyword here is "I"
me... me... and ME
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THE REBEL
Eyup, i'm a rebel. I hate and have problems with authority. Im a cat and like most cats, even those lions and trained tigers, i still growl everytime somebody lashes that whip, telling me what i have to do (even at least growl to myself)
It's because of the idea, of my principle, of something that i really value, FREEDOM. I mean isn't it your very joy to just do what you really want to do, no holds barred. Well, not literally coz even if we do get to do what we want, there still are and should be limitations we've set deep inside as to what and what not to do, as to if this certain act could hurt or bring joy to people, if what i am doing is right or wrong.
And so, the rebel that i am, i just hate it when people tend to ask me things, as to what they should do. Not really those work, school types but say socially. Like what is it that I should do to make you happy, make me happy? I mean c'mon, can't you find that out for yourself? This type of rebel hates giving orders too, coz i wouldn't want to be ordered so why the heck should i do the same?
I mean, isn't there more weight if the person himself decided to do that certain thing to you because he wanted to and not because you ordered him too. Well, sometimes, somebody really has to ask but what the heck? Why can't they just be observant and find it out themselves...
and want proof, this came out when i answered some questions...
"--You are neat, clean and tidy. You don't like to be pushed around and you won't do something just because you're expected to. You don't live by the rules--you prefer to make up your own instead. If you are interested in an issue, you will find out more about it because you want to, not because you have been told to. --"
"i will not take much of ur time kim... but i really feel ur hidden pain that you try to cover with all means... i just want you to know that when u hide inside a shell and create ur own world and own thoughts, in a way to make urself believe that it fully works for you makes me so sad for you... coz i know that u r so much fooling urself with non reality.... u draw a happy face from the outside to fool and trick people.. but u bleed from the inside... thats why u aim for it is called temporary happyness to cool off the wounds, and u condition urself that this is what is right for you... u condition urself that this works for u so perfectly... and you know so dam sure its a big lie... wake up dear... we are not in a perfect world, people on it simply suck.. "
I never thought my past would affect other people so much. I can never find a reason why they should be worried coz they're not revolving around me, my actions never affect a part of their life in any way.
Anyway, just yesterday, i was forced to dig up the skeletons in my closet that i've long buried and even if i really don't want to, since im affecting that person's life somehow, i did what i was told. I told him my story which happened when i was turning 18. But then, trying to forget it so much and trying to relive those that happened made me not divulge the real reason why i did some stuff.
It might have been caused by a certain individual but then, i forgot that i did uncovered the real reason why i did it and since im pinpointing so much on the REASON why i did it. Well, i think it's time to retell that which i told some people before.
Ever doubted something or SOMEBODY? i did and i did it again last night. Because it was like, all the years of my life, i did good, i've been good. Educational achievements and the like, i tried to get all of em. I was always giving it my all, giving it the best of what i can give, but still, it was unrewarding. It never gave back anything good, except maybe for giving me grades but still, what's the satisfaction, the weight of that which you just see on paper or ribbons or medals?
It might be a satisfaction for you, it could be ll your glory but see, i never did em for me. I did them because i wanted to show to certain people that i am good enough too. That i am special, that having me wasn't a mistake, that having me brings something good after all.
See, there was something that happened that I could never ever bury. It was that time when i heard my mother who was talking to a friend say "THAT IF ONLY MY BROTHER DIDN'T CAME ALONG, SHE AND DAD WOUL'VE BROKEN UP" or something like that. See i never understood it. Did dad hated me because i wasn't a boy? Was that the reason why he would scold me so much back then (coz i do remember him doing that esp when pee would just flow down my legs which i dnt really have control way back those times)...
It was that and that i wasn't good enough. I can't dance nor sing like my talented sister could. And that im so thin, i was unlike my cousins or even other children in the neighborhood. Maybe mom hated those times when poeple would ask why i was different from my siblings, if she ever gave me vitamins and stuff... Maybe, just maybe she hated that. I wasn't even really taken to children's parties too when they used to have it in their offices. It would always be just my sister because she can sing and dance and please the other parents while puny me will just sit there or cry or just follow my mother or aunt around when they want to mingle and be alone and socialize with their friends.
It had always been that way. I couldn't even remember my parents teach me abc's or stuff. I dont really know but maybe because i was young that i could remember it. All i can remember is me inviting myself over when they teach my older sister her ABC's or how to write and stuff. I could maybe remember my aunt but she wasn't there long enough. I can very well see animals fending on their own when they were young but baby chicks still have mom by their side. I, I have nobody.
I have been alone ever since or maybe feel alone but still, what could be worse than being alone? It really is unhealthy especially if you see other parents on their child's side, trying to teach them and i who had done it was alone, had no encouragement or stuff. And imagine this, i was one of the only two students who got a full scholarship out of the whole school and on graduation day, i just stood alone on the stage, on everybody's eyes because my mom said she would come later, it's not gonna start on the exact time the program was support to start and blah. (Yeah right mom, made up excuses!!!) I stood there and i cried a bit and looked away trying to hide the tears. And I can see evrybody's elses, those dimwits parents, those who didn't even got a thing's parents were there. standing proud, taking dozens of pictures while all they got was a ribbon that says GRADUATE and me having something to be PROUD of alone, unattended. They might have been proud with the award i got but at least they could have SHOWED it to me. They could in a way make life a little less harder than it is now but still. (it's the past anyway so whatever. They id it, it's done, believe me trying to make this one is much harder having consumed almost a whole roll of tissue paper in wiping tears and water dripping from my nose)
That was me. Till now, i give everything i do my best and even doing my best unconsciously in everything still has it downside coz everybody feels and thinks im trying to be superior than them, Really, i just really want to be somebody special. I still long for the appreciation, for the praise i for so long think i deserve and should get. If i was ever acting like Ms. KNOW-IT-ALL im sorry, i still just want to be the best. It's the only reward i can give myself. it's the only way i can convince myself to go on with life.
Having doing all those good stuff for nothing really made me lose myself at one time. But then finding out that i hurt a lot of people made me stop. I wouldnt want them to go through what i did but just imagine, doing good and seeing other people who did bad having their fun, having somebody or even people still caring for them. I just thought even how stupid the thought it that maybe just maybe if i go doing tyhat of the other side, i could get that which i've always wanted. As they say, God favors the sinners and the good ones are always tested as to how long they'll last. Im too weak. The last weight that toppled my scale was already there. I stay far away from people now so as not to get hurt again. My scales had gieven up, i don't know if i could still carry one more weight load. I can't. I will explode.
And since i haven't exploded yet, im still a ticking, dormant time bomb, i'll be the bomb. A very hot bomb...
please... i don't want to talk to anybody about this that i made. ive already cried enough last night. Don't make me cry one more. I know im unwanted and i know im alone. I'll be alone so i'll be alone, believe me, im not the type to hang around anybody asking them if they could take me in. I won't. Not ever. Im never the type. So what'll be will be. Ive said some stuff, im actually lost as to and if i did state enough but at least for now, some load is off and that works for me and since ur not affected by me, BEAT IT!!! nothing you can do can change anything in my past anyway. It has happened. Im ok with it, i know i can't do anything about it so just let me be. I've already suffered enough. Blah! i don't know why i even made this anyway. maybe so as just to have something to post on my blog. And so i did =)
A message passed on to me from a friend. it says words of wisdom from Eric in Wasted! comics:
Love doesn't stop when the other one stops loving! Love can't be passed around from one person to another like some damned cheap whore! When you love someone then that's it! You just can't pass that on to someone else! Love means loyalty! Sticking with it through thick and thin! Having no one else, loving no one else!
Hmmm.. i find some ideas that i just can't take or just take partially. And to elaborate and broaden and state my perspective, il le' em rip! (i'm so bored anyway and i just got my break)
LOVE DOESN'T STOP WHEN THE OTHER ONE STOPS LOVING
- Yeah right! I so disagree... Maybe it just depends upon the situation. For me it depends upon the reason why the other has stopped loving you. And love never is a one way street. It has to be reciprocated, given back in return coz if it doesn't, how will it ever grow?
Are we talking bout martyrs here? maybe some are but the real martyrs are dead. And I used to be one but that died a long time ago. I mean why continue loving someone if he doesn't love you back? How the heck will you ever feel happy? And if you say you are well then, I salute you for being so blind and whatever. It might work for a while but that love will never ever grow. It'l just be steady. Why not just say that the other person will always stay special. It still is love, but not that LOVE love...
LOVE CAN'T BE PASSED AROUND FROM ONE PERSON TO ANOTHER LIKE SOME DAMNED CHEAP WHORE!
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE THEN THAT'S IT, YOU JUST CAN'T PASS THAT ON TO SOMEONE ELSE!
- like Duh!... How could you pass your love to someone else anyway? No two persons are alike and you love a person for who they are not what they look like. Even LIKE has different intensities, different ranges so how could it stay the same?
If ever i could find someone who says and claims such, well i'll be so glad to whack his head.
Loose if possible!
LOVE MEANS LOYALTY, STICKING WITH IT THROUGH THICK AND THIN.
HAVING NO ONE ELSE, LOVING NO ONE ELSE!
-Now you're talking... Hello, im lil miss loyal girlfriend to the core... I mean i just can't find the reason of two-timing and just become lil Ms. Polygamous or worse, Promiscuous!
I mean why give yourself that name and tarnish the reputation when you can just tell your SO (in like even less than 5 secs, ok TEN!) that you need space; "it's not you, its me"; or just plain im not happy with you anymore or some other stuff.
And know what's funny, people still dare say they love their gf's/bf's.And how were they able to be intimate with other people? WTF!!! hahaha How pathetic!
If you can't stick to one then i can't stick to you either, why not say that. (Oh yeah, 'forgot you don't have the balls. -my bad-)
Anyway, you can just talk and have a deal to see other people and wouldn't not lying be great?
I don't know for you, but that is so me. Gives me peace of mind all the time... =D
i look back and life hasn't been the way i wanted it to be. Though i wanna relive the past and undo what i did or do what i haven't, i know it'll be of no avail.
Life is what i make outta it and so far, looking back, im proud of what i've become.
My dear Maxine,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,
Max
MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER
Dear Max,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance. However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. Please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous. I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.
Due to the nature of my 'VIP' position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access as I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order. I might add that I have expensive taste and have standard to keep and maintain.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself.If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective overs have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps,
Maxine!
But it is cool and very factual and yup, one should be compensated WELL for the entertainment done most especially if it is "MIND BLOWING" (hahaha)
I mean yup... so why not be modern.. 'least there's a time span and at least somebody won't be hoping and men won't be lying, hearts won't be broken (i mean heart, get a grip kim!) and yeah.. it's really cool...
So if anybody does want to date me or go out with me especially if i so told them i dont want to, why not do this. At least somebody gets paid and am i so glad that its ME! harhar!
=] finally found the song my officemate said was suited for me... I was inlove daw, they say.. I keep talking bout someone, always, as in all the time... Laughing and giggling to myself even at work,that they can't help but ask me what was i so amused about.. (Breathes...) It was just someone, i say... But they knew the guy, showed him to them.. We were pretty close then, even though we were just friends, we've been acting like...more? I don't really know.. He was just so pesky, irritating, annoying... I mean I, I vowed never to be in something like that again... Not to be or spend time with someone again. I was just fine, so fine, spending time with friends, my officemates, net, work, overtime, PS, I was just so busy...
Ahmm kinda have my fault, i was searching for friends, but that was just it, "FRIENDS", that was the only intention. So there he was, Bham! Landed right in front of me... I was so annoyed at him, he's just so, i dont know basta the most annoying person ever... Change pics, he liked me, I wasn't even interested... Ward him off, I did, all the insults, boasting bout what i did coz he really was annoying.. Told him i've done this, that... Basta every all just to not really have that connection? Well Yep, that was my plan before. But then after some time, like a ahmm 2weeks of pestering, agreed to meet him. We met, kinda thought "ngeeh"(?) hehehe Yah, i did that but kinda we connected, bonded instantly so found him interesting? Hmmm yeah, coz he was interested in me? i don't really know, basta i kinda felt something.. So that was it, he asked me out again the next day, meet him again then later that night, we like exchanged msgs till dawn...
So there we were, texting, conversing, seeing each other. Then i was touched when he sent me something, mga Ahmm beh say 9days after we've like met for the first day? Said "I really wanna be with you gyud. Words can't explain how i feel if mag-uban ta." Wow! I felt really good... i mean its been quite a while since i spent time with anyone or ahmmm say not gave anyone the chance to like ahmm be with me stuff. i liked it, i really did. I mean Ahmm beh its been quite Ahmm =) a month after hehehe and don't tell me tell me a month? and u said it' been a long while? hahaha Yeah, t might not be long for you but it's way too long for me.. I mean im used to having someone with me.. as in really really used to this kind of setup, i live like this.. If no bf's, a date here and there, left and right. Even my officemates and friends have lost track as to who's who...My demand is just like that... (hehehe assuming but yeah that was my life) Ahmm beh, the kiss... Well, he always tries to kiss me. But evrytime he does and i like catch him trying I just laugh the hell off, i mean its not that i dont really like it but its uncomfortable.. I don't wanna fall again, i've just been hurt then i'll just open my door instantly? no way! So yon i laugh then after how many days of trying, i finally agreed. Ahmm that was on June 24th =) (bag-o lang nahitabo right?) So that was it... we kissed.. and it was good... It was heavenly, i liked it and i don't really like kissing but that kiss, i liked it. Then ahmm after that say ahmm aah Hmmm 6 or 7 days after that he kinda introduced me to his bro. I was like silent, dumbfounded. He's the prominent family, rich, famous... basta he is and that moment, I felt that gap between us.. like basta, heaven & earth? Sigh i don't really know but when i was silent, when i was just sitting there inside the car with his brother behind me, he just reached for my hand (while driving) and gave it a squeeze then i think he said "Hilom man kaayo ka".. Darn! hehehe hook, line and sinker... he got me... (darn it my eyes are getting misty here) So that was it.. spend nsad some days after that, together, laughing, singing, driving around, parking... Thats how we spend our day together, if not watch movies, sit inside his ride whole day, parked somewhere, talking, singing and that is just the perfect date for me.. Just spendng time, even doing nothing as long as i'm like with him (someone i love or like not particularly him now)
Ahmm then the next saturday, he was like going to this party, for his godchild then his mom told him to bring his ex with him daw. (i don't know if which, the 6yrs? one or the recent) So even if we didn't like planned to spend time together, he still came to see me, even till 4:00 pm lang daw (that's like an hour lang coz i was out by 3) so we meet, ended up being with him till ahmm 6pm. Then a msg came, his ex, telling him to come get her na daw. So he just took me to where i was going but before i got out, he like said "Oh, asa man ka?" or like implying "why are you leaving me w/o a kiss?", then he like held my hand, stopped me from opening the door then kissed me, (light lang) then I dont know, i can't remember what he said after that.. All i know was dat i was like jealous? (coz that's an ex mahn!) he's like been with her, had feelings for her and he's like going to spend time with that girl till night, with his friends? Argh, that really hurt. It was painful. Then i dont know kinda asked him bout his date after that day, he said na nibalibad daw ang girl, wla xa giubanan and i felt good.. Then after that, the "SUNSET" story happened. Then 2days after that, after my fon got stolen, after i've like recorded our voices singing together and backed it up sa PC, i saw his ride, parked same place where we usually park, was with my officemates, they saw his ride too then he was like quite far from me but i can tell that it was him. He was like outside taking to a girl, sitting down, face to face. Really deep conversation i can tell. Then he like just stopped txting like he usually does, he doesn't annoy me anymore, he didnt do what he used to do. Then came the shock ahmm last Wednesday was the confirmation. He txtd me saturday after aking him na this movie is like out na, we're gonna watch it. he said fiesta man sa Carmen. Then after that i like txtd him again then he said, "Kadali lang ky nag-away mi sa akong gf." Oh my god, =( my heart.. i didn't know what it felt that time.. Then Wednesday came, i couldn't help but ask, "nagbalik na mo sa imo gf noh?" He said "Oo" then a msg after that was "Sorry".. I replied, "ok lang, i can understand" Then he replied "I was afraid" I asked him "Why" (for the afraid part, he must've thought na Why nagbalik sila". he just said "Nagbalik lang mi"...
That's my story now... And i'm aching... trying to win him back? I don't know.. I'm confused... I'll just let him be? I don't know.. Should i fight? For what? Ahhh... all i know is that that has happened.. and i'm just letting it be... Am i a coward? Maybe, maybe not... All i know is that, i miss him, the pestering, the vanity, the child... I miss him and i want him back.. i just don't know how and if it's possible, Im just letting it be....
haha, something i made way way back..
crap, im a fool when im in love.. like this was a year ago too hehehe
just posting those i made way way back =P
i love you...
those three little words are like songs in my heart.
Over and over, i feel them, say them to myself..send them out to you.
And they never lose their effect, either.
For what they say is how i feel all the time.
Day after day, those three words never fail to remind me that the universe gave me the most rare and wondrous gift when it provided me with you.
i waited for you..just for you...before i gave my heart away.
There were those who came into my life and left as strangers.
There were those who came and stayed as friends.
But never could i give my heart completely. Because i was waiting for you.. Just for you..
And you were worth the wait..
>>>another prose written for me yet..."Sigh..."
Why is it that people could really pretend like this to just get what they want(?)
Be with another person even if no clear break-up was made, no talks, no nothing...
I wanted to believe he did loved me but seeing his actions makes me confused.
Reading his mails to other women doin the same tactic that made me be interested to him.
IM A FOOL to fall for his trap. But was it really just a trap?
Is he really a wolf in sheep's clothing?
I really want to believe he is good but then if i do so, id be hurt, wounded, stepped on, i just might BLOW UP...
I really am sad that the past just came to this but seems ive to accept things as they should be...
I really must bury these words in my mind, "IF IT IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, then, IT NEVER IS TRUE..."
I learned that the hard & painful way...
--entries from my mobile blog-- way back Nov. 2005
Yep..dat was wat i am. Was coz am way more dfrent now.
Im rly rly openminded now. D experiences iv had really changed my views & d way I face life now. Im now an openminded realist. D way pepol think of me dosnt matter anymor. Im just livng my life. Iv MADE mistakes & i LEARNED from it. Iv met & been with pepol & dey'v made me who i am today.
Iv had my share of MEN & THE FUN. I played THE GAME but found out it wasn't for me. It was just a waste of time. There's more to life than love, sex, & pain but i've yet to know what it is.
Many tyms hv i askd God about wat He rly wants from me, y He made me suffer & feel such pain. But dn, im glad i realized dat i've been happy too.. Life is a gift, i just have to find a way to use dat gift well.
Well socially, i cod b friendly, bad, annoying, crazy, playful, etc. dpends on how u approach me n how i find u. I rly love to go wd d flow n tease sum1 but doesnt rly mean im n2 8.i just myt b bored.
In rltionshps, im rly serious bout love.im rly loyal, caring, undrstandng..(name 8, i did 8!) BUT, dpends wat d prson s 2 me coz i dnt rly opn meslf up n stuff f 8 aint worth it! Iv had my share of pain,i rly did.
Im tactless coz i dont lie. I rly dont unless rly rly needed.
F drs a prson ud lyk 2 make a deal wd, dat'd b me coz i always keep my promises.
I cod b unprdctable sumtms coz dr r days wn id lyk 2 test my mkt & n doing dat, i lost a bestfriend. i lost som1 ho codv made me rly happy. i cod b n denial sumtyms & iv lost quite too many QuALITY people coz of it. I just hope itl nvr happn agn. So 2 u rdng ds, gudluck wd judgng me. Like i care!
oh yeah... September 2005 hahaha
Yes, i am single. Single and living it. Living and loving it...
Ok, not that much loving it. Just some days that i am actually loving it.
Cold as i may be, i still do long for that someone who'll fill me up, keep me together, keep me warm, make me complete and stuff.
But even though i do long for that someone, doesn't really mean that I am looking. I might be looking but im not that open, not that friendly, not that welcome and accomodating.
Indeed i've met great people in my life and though they are that great, that good, i'm still not giving anybody that chance, that opportunity to love and hurt me again.
I mean I've just really been with someone and indeed he did made me feel loved, and pretty, and important and stuff but still, im so afraid to actually be in love though i did felt something, be really sweet, be all cuddly, yet i held back for I know he wasn't there to really stay and be with me and so I really didn't but i did at least try have some memories with him. (THANK YOU FOR THAT)
Knowing what you actually really really want is scary coz you might end up alone and cold and blue but nah, id rather have myself to hurt myself than just be with another jerk who'll do such.
It's really really hard to find that certain someone nowadays and even if i may cross paths with one, past experiences prevents me to actually be blah with someone.
Argh! Who am I kidding.. I only like writing when im in love, when im happy and when im UP, not low, really low like this...
Bottom line is, im still holding myself back. Im still doubtful, still paranoid, still that afraid to really give someone the responsibility of doing all those stuff to me. Giving someone that opportunity to love/hurt me again is just so hard and so im sticking to being cold and skeptic and pessimistic.
Till such time i'll find real love, the love that lasts forever WITH ME =)
They say it pays to wait and so i am waiting and hoping but not that hopeful...
-Till then-
might be the very reason while till now, im still lovin and singing this song
-- BREAKDOWN --
You called yesterday to basically say
That you care for me but that you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended to be feelin similarly
And led you to believe I was O.k.
To just walk away from the one thing
That's unyielding and sacred to me
Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the 'guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry
So what do you do when somebody you're so devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you and it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride and sing "I will survive"
Do you lash out and say: "How dare you leave this way"
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away
12/08/2005
Dear Kimmy,
I woke up this morning thinking what a beautiful day it is but I also asked why. I got out of bed put on my tattered white shirt and went straight to the square glass table to where the coffee is. I poured a cup and smelled its aroma…again the thought of a great day came to me…Is it the dose of caffeine? I looked down on my cupful and stirred.
As I took my last sip I went out the screen door, squeaky and old due to its years, inhaled the morning’s breath not minding the rusty red gate in my view. Hmmm…what a wonderful day…again I thought. I don’t usually think about school most of the time. I have always believed that life is more than theories and return demonstrations. This couldn’t be what was making this day pretty. But somehow I felt a bit funny. Dismissing this as a not-so-silent cry of my stomach for food I went inside my humble abode, pass the old sofa and back again to the square glass table. It was set already. A pulled out a chair and propped myself down. Corned beef and eggs as the chef’s delight this morning. I reached for the spoon. Again I thought, is this what makes this day wondrous? I glanced to the now-empty ceramic plate in front of me. It could be.
A familiar sound greeted me as I went out the bathroom with my Mickey Mouse towel around my waist. A good bath is always good to freshen up ones morning. I reached for my cell phone and pressed “off”. You told me to put my phone on alarm mode. 6:35AM it reads. Twenty-five minutes until my first class.
As I did the last button of my well-pressed white nurse’s uniform ready to leave my dear habitat, I paused and smiled. What really makes this day wonderful? I asked myself again. What makes every day wonderful?
The truth is I already know the answer.
The answer to my every question is YOU. You make me want to wake up even if I still long to stay in the comforts of my bed under the warmth of my blanket relieving the stress of my days work.
It is your scent that I want to savor with every morning mist. It is you that I wish I could be with even if we only have corned beef and eggs. And even with godforsaken instructors, it is your God-given beauty that makes me wear my uniform and endure all backbreaking exams and assignments.
It is you that is more than my life.
How come, you may think I still asked such questions? I was just proving that nothing else makes life more meaningful and worth living but you.
Jerome
ahaha... Whew... What a story written by someone whom i used to be with and YES, i was in love (again) so damn in love (that time)
and see how deceiving people could be.. they who promised you everything, him whom you talked all your plans with, how you'll live your life together and shit. Yes, i was angry and very disappointed. How come someone could write something if it isn't true? I felt it was but what went wrong? i know something did but i was deceived, that was the bottomline. have i forgiven the guy? i think i did or haven't at times and we still do disturb each other with occasional msgs, stabbing sometimes and i dunno, i don't wanna presume. maybe wondering Why it just ended.
Oh wel, one of the very reasons ive decided not to trust, if not, never to trust again. I'll always have doubts in my mind and ive tried to turn my heart to stone. SNOWQUEEN i call me sometimes and i do have this unique ability to be really stirn yet i cry them all out sometimes at night.
yes, i've changed after my relationship with him. I'm not as showy as i was before, doesn't pour out the same emotions and actions i did before but i dunno. blame my past for turning me like this, blame me for risking and trusting someone...
Oh well, life does goes on and to where it will lead me, with a man or not, at least i'll try to be happy, coz i know i so deserve to be. I made and inspired someone to write such a wonderful story once, i just might be able to do that again. But how, now that im stone?
oh well, im a piece of crap anyway...
tootles
"If It Is Written, Then It Is True..."
It's what Matthew Broderick said in a movie after somebody read hiS journal without his consent. And i write because i find it odd that it is somewhat true. True because people give a big deal about something that is written, thinking that one wouldn't go through such trouble writing something that isn't true.
Now why is it so? Why is it that people believe one's IDEAS once written are true. So is it really true? Like if i say you are dumb, would that mean you really are dumb? One is always entitled to ones thoughts and these thoughts REALITY varies from one individual to another individual. Others would agree to what you're saying or noticed while others just didn't see what you saw. There is a reason why ideas are not called FACTS because not all of em are TRUE or ACCEPTABLE.
Misunderstanding, miscommunication, has always been the reason of war. But how bout being JUDGMENTAL when one hasn't heard one's reason, one's side, and all the side of the story(?), doesn't that count too? Why do people always judge even before they get to know what's behind a certain thing? Why do they have to be inconsiderate with other people? Why can't they be a lil nice and make living on this world less painful, less difficult? Does seeing people in pain, in anguish, bring Joy and Happiness?
Argh i dont know. All i know is that Im not being one or if I am being one and was one, i wanna say "SORRY" for them whose life i've made complicated...
And as for me, well, there are certain things that i write which are true and there are some which aren't. Maybe because of humor and of i dont know, wanting to spice some things up. People would really tend to think low of you esp if you post or say stuff (forums) which are bout SEX and all related things to it.
But why can people not put in mind that saying is very DIFFERENT from doing. Saying stuff doesnt always mean people do or DID what they say. I mean whatever would be the use of "ONE MUST PRACTICE WHAT THEY PREACH" if people really are doing those that they say they will do?
Argh Lameness, narrow, shallow, dense, whatever...
They just torment me so much...
CRAP!
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