wishful thinking

just read this a while ago, twas mailed by a friend…
mushy but cute… how i wish me too. Hope to find and be with hi who’ll love me just as the man who sent his wife Christmas roses…

Christmas Roses

A touching story…….
Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my date this Christmas," like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband’s favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Christmas before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago,"
The owner said, "I knew you’d call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."

"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you’ll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card…he did this years ago."

"Then, should ever, I find out that he’s no longer here,
That’s the card…that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote…
"Hello my love, I know it’s been a year since I’ve been gone,
I hope it hasn’t been too hard for you to overcome."

"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."

"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it’s only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."

"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."

"Please…try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door’s not answered, when the florist stops to knock."

"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I’ve instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."

FISH

Haven't been in a relationship for a year and six months now? WOW! What the heck I did it! haha My officemates oughtta be proud of me. Come to think of it, they promised me a gift, a great reward if i could stay bf-less, guy-less for a month and i was able to in a year half. Darn! But anyway, me, I am proud but maybe a bit bothered by it because I wasn't really that wanting to be single... I mean I was trying for the last year but as of 2007, I wasn't but gheez, where are these men. To think I haven't had problems with finding men before but now, i could say I haven't caught a fish in my net.

Gosh, i never thought about that. Kimyah has finally lost her charms and can't snag a guy anymore? My... my... my... I don't think so. I refuse! haha I certainly object it. Well, it is because i'ts not really like i'm not casting my net in the best places, i mean i havent casted my net. It's more like a restaurant where you can choose which fish you want to be grilled in front of you from a tank full of it. I think i did tried to get to know my fish a bit but as i scrutinized them, man have they the defects which will certainly make me ill. I think there was one that was good but was already hooked by somebody else and the fish even told me to yknow, maybe i could SHARE with the one that has her strings on him, like two persons can enjoy and savor his fishliness at the same time just that i was the only one who has to wait till the fish can swim away once the strings arent that tight on him. I mean who the heck does that fish think he is, CAVIAR? hahaha (fish then caviar? i've to check up on my knowledge on fish varieties)

Yeah, i've to admit that was the closest i ever got to being in a relationship with a guy. My ex's fault. He was marketing, selling, promoting the guy, the fish with all his witted glory that I was on all fours, waiting for the day I can see and check the fish by myself. He marketed him well alright, he just didn't mention and didn't knew the fish's snaged. To think i kinda wastd effort and money checking the fish out. Daymn!

Anyway, i did stumble upon a cute, young fish some weeks ago. Just that that fish was good. he snaged me and even took me to test the waters with him and there I was, wading along. That fish was weird though coz it kinda begged me to swim along with him and so i did and the swim was quite good nevertheless...

Now, still single and still looking at different fish varieties, i learned so as not to get too close to the tank and be enamored by their different colors, swimming stokes and varieties. I know better now so as to keep my distance and maybe be in the environment they are in, snorkeling and just watching and admiring them as they swim alone. That fish just as every creature there is are meant to swim free and explore every reef or rock they encounter and just as they are, they are never exempted from being curious with the unfamiliar entity swimming with them, even swimming close and play along but just dart and swim away like the fish that they are. For i to am a fish swimming in unfamiliar waters waiting to be snaged from the watery grave im in, only to be transferred to better waters and nah what am i kidding. Im not even sure if i wanna get caught yet. I want to be but only with the right person who can take care of me. Maybe someday but i hope that if so, i wouldnt be placed on the porcelain plate of doom. Appreciated and savored to the last inch yet just plain dead and never moving.

REHASHED

I'm done... I've like spent a big part of my life waiting and hoping but nadah! Guess there's no other choice but to accept the hurtful fact, I'm just meant to be alone!

Rather than just getting hurt and wasting time hoping, guess i'm left with no choice but to join the club. I'm so done with the hoping and the waiting and the longer that i'm doing it, the number I get. I'm just so fed up and so pissed bout it. There really isn't somebody to give me that i've searvhed for ever since I was born but since i spent the past 24 years of my life without it, why the heck haven't I been used to it. I mean yeah, why the heck am i not used to it and done with it? I've experienced it for 24 years and still i'm hopin? What a freakin waste of my precious time.

Time to rewire and reprogram myself. I'm so done. I just wanna get it over with.

And this time, i'm gonna be firm with it's implementation. Time to test me out. A new me will be born and i'm gonna be enjoyin it...

LOST

04/26/2007
-1:32 am

after talking with a friend, I still felt bad and alone...
Not bad because of a problem not dealt with a solution or something but bad because of a pathetic problem that has been bugging me and of my pessimistic self. but then Being pessimistic, I have always worried bout what lies ahead of me and it isn't that simple anymore. the route I see myself following or going to is already there, a bit clear and definite. What bothers me more is that what waits for me at that route. Would taking the route make me happy than I am now. ts not that Im happy now or unhappy but more like worried again. It's quite silly but it does bother me. What does lie ahead of my life? Would graduating the sourse that I'm taking now bring me to another life quite unlike this one but more importantly, would it take me to a life where I am happy or fulfilled or something. It's not that I do not know what I want, what I want is quite clear to me.I wanna go out and work abroad nd earn and have stuff I don't have and won't have unless I leave the country. I mean that is the least of my problems. What really bothers me more is that would going out fill the void that is here inside me... Would I ever fill that which makes me incomplete with travels, stuff, and money? I don't know but so far, I don't think things could ever fill it up.

Funny but even if i'm tryinhg to stay single and alone, I really really feel the need of somebody special with me. Going abroad is the least of that which I want now. I used to have a drive before. There used to be a reason why I wanna go there, I used to have hope before and a meaning other than just green money.

I'm never the materialistic type. I've always known and have lived with just some stuff with me. Lifestyle is the very least of my worries, a person can always lower the way he lives to suit with that of which he has at the present.

Im just not that motivated to go on with life and with what I do. Indeed I do have a definite purpose but just doing it for my own and for my family who i see as not really having the needof that which I will do nor really deserve because of how they treat me, as motivations. I need somebody to you know, give all that I have to. I have always been selfosh with my stff but I don't know how ii just becoe gullible with giving stuff away when you know, I'm in that blissful situation thing. Maybe people just give away everything for stuff that could really really make them happy.



Frankly, I don't know what to do now. My going to school and the effort I do is more of the grades, the standard I've set to myself ever since i was young but its rather empty. There's nothing I see for it to go to.

God i need somebody to love and love me and it just really really confuses me a lot right now.

I know it's rea;;y not good to search or like let somebody fill up that space in me but what can I do, I've always been deprived since I was young, Nobody was ever proud of me nor was I like soemthing that was worth anything or like something very different. I JUST WANT TO FEEL SPECIAL, thats the path where I'm going, that's the path that I wanna go and follow and fufill.

Love is my very weakness that's why I'm trying to get away, as far away from it but how to hide from something that you know you've always wanted to have?

I don't know what to do. To continue with school and go out when I can just find somebody to marry and take me out? Or maybe find me somebody whom i could love and would love me and marry him and go out? Or not go out and wait for the guy who promised will come back for me when I don't really know if he will and has the 99% chance that he won't but i did love the guy and have feelings for him and could very well just waste some time of my life for him no matter how unreasonable it is but still would verry likely could kill myself if ever he would not...

See, I'm lost.Lost because i need to be loved. I love me bubut there just are spaces i can't fill .

I wish somehow I'd get to the bottom of this and solve this dilemma im in. I don't really know what to do. I mean i know what t do but I'm not sure if im that willing to risk and stuff.

Im soch a loser =)

I just want to have something waiting ahead of me. I just want to have an end, a purpose for walking the mile.

Please, please, pleae, somebody help me. pound my haead to the wall, pavement or something...

Please, anything.....

Run away...

My tears flow as they have always did 24 years ago and you now what’s sad about it, it’s because the person who made me cry is the very person I think and I believe can’t afford to make me cry. I don’t really understand her, she wouldn’t talk and I can’t talk, not to her, not ever to her. I mean WHY? If she doesn’t like me that much why let me live when she can very well end the life I’ve had, have now? I can’t take it anymore. I’m at the point where it has to stop, the pain has to stop.

I’ve always been the type who doesn’t want to suffer. I don’t ever want to feel a single pain, a pain I know I can very well stop to hurt me. But how? How can you get away from the very person who brought you to the world? How can a tree live if you cut away its roots? Chop it from the branch and allow new roots to grow? See, I’ve thought about that too but I don’t know how I could swallow and just ingest something I don’t think I would or could ever do? But if I have no choice and if it could do me good, should I go put to my mouth that which I think can liberate me from this pain?

I’m really not making sense but it’s the only way I can see it, for the pain to stop. For the pain I bore for 24 years of my life. See, I just can’t see why she can’t discipline her... I can’t see why she has to sacrifice my happiness for someone else who doesn’t even do something right, who can’t do something simple and right. I’m just so sick of it and I’m so damn tired of just crying my heart out torturing myself when I shouldn’t be doing so in the first place if only she could just think of me and my feelings for once. I can’t see nor understand why somebody who saw me and had always been with me doesn’t know how to make me happy. It’s not much. Is acknowledging me for the stuff I did too much? Because I don’t think it is. I need not hear it verbally nor do I need stuff that signifies her gratitude but I only nee support or something that’d show me she does. Why does the black sheep take all her time and affection away from me? Do I have to be bad too coz if I have to then I will if it’s the only way for me to be happy. I’m that close but I don’t know if I can. I did it to God before but I didn’t really like it now was I happy with what I did so I go back but this is different. I’m so confused and I don’t have anybody to talk to right now that’s why I’m pouring it all out so I can save myself.

I mean why? Why can’t my mom love me or show me I important, that I have a point. That I have good intentions or something. How long would she wait for my sister to change her ways? If she could wait that long then why does she sacrifice her other children’s’ happiness for the sake of one that was lost? Do I have to be a prodigal son so my father will notice me? Do I have to be bad for it to do me good?

I just wanted her to tell her it’s her job. It’s training coz she never does stand up for her word when it comes to my sister. I mean if you want something done then you have to have it done especially if it’s for the GOOD. Why can’t she stand up for me and my brother? We’re old now, we understand, my sister doesn’t but why is it still like this?

Why was it that when I told her the college ring dad gave as a gift to me was gone and that my sister pawned it, why did she say it’s my fault because I just left it anywhere where my sister can access it but why would she do that? I mean it’s a home, it’s supposed to be safe, why should I guard or not trust people I’m supposed to trust because I have to trust her because she should love me too, because she’s family. Why can’t she just confront her? Why can’t she at least ask? She has the authority, I don’t. And those tomes where she stole the money I save from work and I told her but she said it was my fault because again I let it be of access to her. I couldn’t understand. I don’t want the money back. I mean I do but I still want her to stand up for me more than I want the money I worked hard for back.

I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I think I will have to just leave and cut me loose from my roots if it’s the only way I can save my tree from being totally weak and broken. I might just leave without a word, I might and I will hurt people with what I decided I will do but there is just no other way for me. I have to take away that which makes my life rotten and bad. I could very well be employing the same strategy my mom did to my sister but I just can’t tell her about what I feel. I just don’t have the authority she has with my sister, she has with us, her children.

I just can’t go on anymore. I’m at the point where it has to stop and I’m sorry and I’m sad that it has to be this way but it has to and it will. I’m just looking for the right way where there would be no turning back for me. I’m sorry if I’m weak. There’s just nothing there that holds me up anymore, there just wasn’t there except for my hope but everybody’s bound to wake up and realize that some dreams just can’t come true. I’m a loser but I’ll just have to settle with what I have left, myself and the way I think it should be feeling. I’ll go away someday, the sooner the better but now that I still am here, my tears will still be flowing and I still will be hoping. Hoping that the she will stand up for me and prove she loves me, just like a mother should.

WOMEN Rules!

1. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.
2. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.
3. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.
4. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.
5. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.
6. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.
7. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.
8. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.
9. A girl would prefer to get a 200Php gift from Rustan’s. than a 1000Php gift from LKK Mall. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
10. If women give you their number on a Friday, Tuesday or Wednesday these are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.
11. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.
12. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.
13. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.
14. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.
15. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.
16. The average woman kisses 49 men before getting married.
17. She hates your PS2 more than she admits to you. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.
18. Women who are obsessed with their pets also like to keep their men on a short leash.
19. Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.
20. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
21. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
22. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.
23. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
24. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.
25. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.
26. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
27. Women will have a hard time getting an orgasm when their drunk
28. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
29. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.
30. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.
31. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. many women think they can pull this off, but they always end up developing feelings for the guy.
32. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
33. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.
34. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.
35. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild.
36. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
37. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.
38. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
39. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
40. At one point or another, women gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting them in your room. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives them crazy till it’s been satiated.
41. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
42. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP
43. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
44. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
45. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.
46. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
47. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.
48. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.
49. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.
50. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
51. Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.
52. She likes one of your friends.
53. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
54. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
55. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
56. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”
57. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
58. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is 3. This really means about 10.

worthless

It just dawned on me… There is one thing that has never ever happened to me no matter how simple it is. So simple that it sounds quite pathetic. Though I’ve always been an individual who tries to do things he hasn’t done or experienced in life, there are just somethings one can’t do especially that it needs another life and mind to do it. I am alone… Alone and had been lonely. I have friends but not even one knows me well. Know me as I am and how I’ve been and what I do and my traits. Some might’ve but it is always only up to some extent. The wholeness of my individuality is still a mystery except to me. Nobody knows me and y’know what makes it even worse, it’s the fact that nobody wants to even if they can. That’s just how complex life turns to be even if it could have been simple. Days ago, i’ve been asked bout my plans, with what i’ve been doing now and it was a surprise when it was mentioned that he was left out. It wasn’t really clear what the person meant with his words but then he asked me something that could mean that it has something to do with him. It might not be what he meant but, regarding with that which he asked me, it hasn’t really reached my mind. Maybe in the future or i do have it in the list for one of my dreams, one which i wanted to achieve but, WHAT FOR? Money has never been that important to me. It might be needed for STUFF but then, what does that stuff do to make me happy? I mean why go there when there’s nothing to do there, nothing waiting there for me. His place there and my place here isn’t that different anyway. What i’ll be doing there is still pretty much what i’ll be doing here, maybe just economically different but still the same. It would still be empty… Though people have needs that are heirarchically organized and stuff, I still tend to go back to the very first question before realizing and doing things. WHY AM I HERE IF I WASN’T EVER IMPORTANT TO ANYBODY? Why am I here even if nobody wants to be with me or around me? Am I like a measurement as to how long one can stand living without any worth? Pathetic questions but it is happening to me. I’ve never ever had a best friend. I’ve never even had a friend who wanted to play with me when i was young. I was always either left or cast out. Even in parties I’d hear people asking my mom why I’m different and always have I heard a bad reply, that I am unwanted or something. That even then I’d always get to stay outside because of stuff I did which was out of my control. Im just surprised now that I lived this long enduring all the rejection and unwantedness. That even if ive been with a lot of men, nobody ever even wanted to be with me. That even at school nodoby would choose me or my so called friends wouldnt even ask me out to hang out with them. And always Ive seen that I never did anything bad, that I was just doing stuff the way I do, that I was merely living and sharing the same world they live in but still they want me not with them. I mean even before I’ve never been chosen as a partner at play or even at school even if I have the wits to back me up. Even if i never ever even said anything to the other person, even if i havent even uttered a single word to the person in their entire life. It’s sad to know that things that happened to me before made me the person I am today. Still wanting the attention, still wanting the want that people would have to me. I’ve never given up hope coz till now im still waiting for that to happen to me coz it has always been something I’ve always wanted all the days of my life. Coz no matter how small and attainable it is, i can never ever force people to feel it for me. Not even my parents who should have that love for me have given, have made me feel that importance, what more other people. I couldnt count or measure the tears and the pain i feel as i push every key to put this down right now but I still am waiting for the day that I achieve this. This simple tiny thing that life could never give to me… That i could forget the time they were late to put that medal I got for being the only person to get the scholarship, for standing there for what seems an eternity looking even for the shadow of my parents compared to the delight of others who were there with their children who didn’t even got a single thing. For the time they scolded me coz i got home after them,not even asking what happened to the examination i took which i passed and i was the youngest who took it among the group even if i didnt study or made any reviews. Funny but these are the memories i got for those who would consider it an achievement because not everybody could do it. So what is it’s worth, what is my worth if i get nothing but disapproval and dislike for the stuff i do irregardless if it’s so good and it’s beyond what other people could achieve. Would it ever change if I get to work oversees? Would i be worth something if i let them swim in a pool of money coz at every side i look, nothing i ever did is worth even something. If hope be like the leaves of trees and mine can’t help but just fall, would it live long enough to replace each leaf with a new one? Would the time ever come that the tree can no longer have any leaf to fall? If nothing i ever did is important, what’s it to stuff I’m doing now? Would i ever be worth something someday or will i die ever searching for that single soul that will make me feel that i am not only something but everything to them? I don’t know but i think it’s all i ever searched in my life and i’m afraid that i’d die if ever i find it even if i only get to feel a second that i am worth something… Yes, i’d rather die than see myself again peering over peoples shoulders searching and waiting for that person to come and make me feel special. that ever elusive thing that i have searched all these years of my life.

a FIGHTER or a LOSeR?

Twas just yesterday when I faced an oddity in life. Twas like something that i had but then twas vague if it was true or i was just mistaking it for something. I wouldn't wanna reiterate bout the incident coz i wasn't even sure what he meant or as to the reality of the words he asked me? It was vague and i've been there before. It wasn't new to me since i came up in a fight with him, the first time i ever stood up for myself and confronted somebody bout stuff he promised he'd do to me. Really, i am a fighter. I’ve the strongest will anybody could ever have and people have always praised me for possessing it. I stick to my will even if it hurts me a lot, even if it puts me in the most aggravating position ever. I don't know if it's just a matter of will or of principle. Vie always been doing stuff that doesn’t make people feel force with stuff they do. I've always valued doing stuff my own way and so I value stuff if people do it on their own, that they decided to do it, that THEY DID IT FOR ME. Weird but I've always given up my happiness just because I wasn't in the position to demand because i was late, because somebody else beat me to the position, but more because i know that im coming in between somebody else’s happiness and right. I’ve never ever fought for myself, for my own place, mainly because im afraid that there really was nothing in there for me, that i was only made to believe because people want to get their way with me. Even so, I only wanted to make people realize and decide if I really have some worth in them. I mean if ever I meant something. I want them to realize or maybe think that IT'S ME... That they can't live without me or even just a simple that they love me and they want to be with me. THEY, just because it didn’t happen to one guy. And where it has lead me, here alone and lonely and wishing that they'd realize that they wanna pick me and want to be with me. But sadly, though the many people i did it to, nobody ever realized I’m worth something. Maybe because I turned my back on them but even so, won't they fight for it if I really mean something? Don't they have the sleepless nights ive had wishing that im there spending time with him, sharing the fun we shared when we were together. Are they losers too that they think just because I turned my back on them that it meant I didn't loved them? That because things happened that fast that there wasn’t anything to it but merely a play, just a game? It's hard dwelling with what if's but still until now, im waiting for even just one person to tell me that i meant a lot to them and he'd want to be with me simply because that was the main reason why i went away. Not because i don’t love them but i love them that much that i wanna see if they're willing to fight for that which they feel for me. But sadly, nobody ever did and ive been badly hurt suffering the consequences of that which i did, just because i want them to be the one fighting for me. I don't know where this would lead. Maybe it'll lead to me growing up alone. Harsh as it maybe, i still did it even if it means being alone for the rest of my life. Because i k now that if ever somebody did, it'll be worth all the pain i gave to me in order to be happy. I might be losing but I’m still fighting to do that which i always did, making that somebody realize that it's me and till such time, id still be the loser I’ve always been. Coz fighting for that which I strongly believe in is something that I’m gonna do for the rest of my life...

pathetic!

It just dawned on me... There is one thing that has never ever happened to me no matter how simple it is. So simple that it sounds quite pathetic. Though I've always been an individual who tries to do things he hasn't done or experienced in life, there are just somethings one can't do especially that it needs another life and mind to do it.

I am alone... Alone and had been lonely. I have friends but not even one knows me well. Know me as I am and how I've been and what I do and my traits. Some might've but it is always only up to some extent. The wholeness of my individuality is still a mystery except to me. Nobody knows me and y'know what makes it even worse, it's the fact that nobody wants to even if they can. That's just how complex life turns to be even if it could have been simple.

Days ago, i've been asked bout my plans, with what i've been doing now and it was a surprise when it was mentioned that he was left out. It wasn't really clear what the person meant with his words but then he asked me something that could mean that it has something to do with him. It might not be what he meant but, regarding with that which he asked me, it hasn't really reached my mind. Maybe in the future or i do have it in the list for one of my dreams, one which i wanted to achieve but, WHAT FOR?

Money has never been that important to me. It might be needed for STUFF but then, what does that stuff do to make me happy? I mean why go there when there's nothing to do there, nothing waiting there for me. His place there and my place here isn't that different anyway. What i'll be doing there is still pretty much what i'll be doing here, maybe just economically different but still the same. It would still be empty...

Though people have needs that are heirarchically organized and stuff, I still tend to go back to the very first question before realizing and doing things. WHY AM I HERE IF I WASN'T EVER IMPORTANT TO ANYBODY? Why am I here even if nobody wants to be with me or around me? Am I like a measurement as to how long one can stand living without any worth?

Pathetic questions but it is happening to me. I've never ever had a best friend. I've never even had a friend who wanted to play with me when i was young. I was always either left or cast out. Even in parties I'd hear people asking my mom why I'm different and always have I heard a bad reply, that I am unwanted or something. That even then I'd always get to stay outside because of stuff I did which was out of my control. Im just surprised now that I lived this long enduring all the rejection and unwantedness. That even if ive been with a lot of men, nobody ever even wanted to be with me. That even at school nodoby would choose me or my so called friends wouldnt even ask me out to hang out with them. And always Ive seen that I never did anything bad, that I was just doing stuff the way I do, that I was merely living and sharing the same world they live in but still they want me not with them.

I mean even before I've never been chosen as a partner at play or even at school even if I have the wits to back me up. Even if i never ever even said anything to the other person, even if i havent even uttered a single word to the person in their entire life. It's sad to know that things that happened to me before made me the person I am today. Still wanting the attention, still wanting the want that people would have to me. I've never given up hope coz till now im still waiting for that to happen to me coz it has always been something I've always wanted all the days of my life. Coz no matter how small and attainable it is, i can never ever force people to feel it for me. Not even my parents who should have that love for me have given, have made me feel that importance, what more other people.

I couldnt count or measure the tears and the pain i feel as i push every key to put this down right now but I still am waiting for the day that I achieve this. This simple tiny thing that life could never give to me... That i could forget the time they were late to put that medal I got for being the only person to get the scholarship, for standing there for what seems an eternity looking even for the shadow of my parents compared to the delight of others who were there with their children who didn't even got a single thing. For the time they scolded me coz i got home after them,not even asking what happened to the examination i took which i passed and i was the youngest who took it among the group even if i didnt study or made any reviews. Funny but these are the memories i got for those who would consider it an achievement because not everybody could do it. So what is it's worth, what is my worth if i get nothing but disapproval and dislike for the stuff i do irregardless if it's so good and it's beyond what other people could achieve. Would it ever change if I get to work oversees? Would i be worth something if i let them swim in a pool of money coz at every side i look, nothing i ever did is worth even something.

If hope be like the leaves of trees and mine can't help but just fall, would it live long enough to replace each leaf with a new one? Would the time ever come that the tree can no longer have any leaf to fall? If nothing i ever did is important, what's it to stuff I'm doing now? Would i ever be worth something someday or will i die ever searching for that single soul that will make me feel that i am not only something but everything to them?

I don't know but i think it's all i ever searched in my life and i'm afraid that i'd die if ever i find it even if i only get to feel a second that i am worth something... Yes, i'd rather die than see myself again peering over peoples shoulders searching and waiting for that person to come and make me feel special. that ever elusive thing that i have searched all these years of my life.

getting by with being pathetic

Funny how the tide has turned for me yesterday but i still am oblivious as to "IF I SHOULD GO ON WITH IT OR NOT" coz really, i have no such feeling to be in a relationship again. I mean I was just made a fool a week ago and already i'll be putting myself in that situation again? No way Jose!

It's just painful and insulting, the incident that happened to me the past 2 weeks. I mean I believed a friend and trusted him, believing that he'll deliver me out of the hell hole i've been in for the past 2... 3 years but I just found myself digging a lil more to the pit i'm in... Oh what the hell, I'll dig meself out. Nothing's gonna happen if i'll wait and rely on soomebody else...

But going back to what has happened, I don't and can't really say what got into me... Love rush? February rush? But what ever it is, it was so bad... Damn that guy who recommended that guy haha... I mean I was falling for a guy who was a friend of this other guy i dated a long long time ago and he said not to fall for the guy coz he ain't worth it and he promised to have me meet up with this other guy whom he knows a lot coz he felt sorry for me and he did hurt me a long time ago too, maybe atone for the stuff he did or something and I BELIEVED HIM. Darn it!

I mean picture me out, picture kimyAh becoming a throw rug for a guy she doesn't even really like or picture herself being with just because of the RECOMMENDATION. It's so funny but I did. I compromised everything. The wall I set up to keep people away was gone, even the infamous standard for men i'l go out with was gone. OMG! (damnit! I did that much???)

I mean I did and now that im done with it, i sat down and think bout the consolation (like please don't make me cry again) for the thing that happened. I mean I was even at a point where I was gonna kneel or something? Im such a loser...

But then, looking back, I can really say that I really am no martyr. That there are just some standards i can't possibly compromise or bend. I mean, it's become a principle coz i have nothing but just myself and if i let people step on me, it's so worthless. i mean I didn't came all the way to where I am now (wait a minute, where am I haha) to just let people do that to me. I aint gonna back down. Though it sucks a lot coz i really might be living alone for the rest of my life but instead of being sorry for my sorry ass and cry and wail and be pathetic and stuff, I decided that I already cried a lot and im not gonna shed a tear again for being alone again but instead I'm gonna take care of me from now on. Like if somebody can't stick with just only me and put up with me then i'm gonna give them what they want and do for myself that which i want.

It sucks but, I'M ALL I HAVE... But the good side of it is, Ive made people cry and beg on their knees before to be with me so I know that I'm the best there is with the loving and caring so why not do it for me. At least I know what they'll be missing ;)



A change of profile, coz i've changed...

Hmmm where to start? Guess i'll just answer a question someone asked me, "HOW"S LIFE BEEN TREATING ME THIS DAYS?"

LIFE? It has been KEWL! I'm used doing things alone and have lived up to the words someone i loved yet *#@$, told me before, "YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE TO BE HAPPY..."

Indeed, i think it is true. My life hasn't turned out the way I wanted it to be. (esp. right after i was done with school). It has been happy then painful. I've had the share of PAIN, was really really hurt. But I've learned a lot and I'm so glad that I got through it.

LET THE PAST BURY ITS DEAD, and so I did and look what it made me now. A stone cold and bitter person. Hahaha nah for love i am but for life, Im living it, savoring every moment of it.

Really, I'm kewl and i've forgiven the people who've hurt me. They still contributed to the person I am today and Im happy for that.

But best of all, because of them, I'VE HAD THE TIMES OF MY LIFE, and not evryone gets to experience that...For that, I thank you...

Since there still is some space left, well, I am a TRUE BLUE MALDITA, REALLY SARCASTIC, SENSITIVE, PERVERTED yet OPENMINDED, REALISTIC, a PESSIMIST, a CYNIC =)

I LOVE TAKING pictures of MYSELF, especially in those undies, A CERTIFIED FRUSTRATED MODEL. Im too skinny, & not that tall enough to qualify (5'3 and all). And WHATS WRONG WITH THAT? I mean IM NOT BEING LEWD, ur the one thinking dirty. You deal with it.

I mean im so sick of them criticizing me coz of my pictures. They're just pictures. What u see aint what u really get! I pity you, you're so soo shallow. But whatever! Its your life. Just don't let me catch you saying such LEWD stuff. Oh well, i'll just pray o'er your pathetic souls, you SHALLOW, PRETENTIOUS HYPOCRITES!

All i know is that I AM HUMAN, and I've made mistakes. But at least i get to live my life. I try to, though its harsh...

--
TRUST ME, I KNOW THESE THINGS9:04 AM 2/26/2007


specifically, it would have to be MICHAEL ERIC S. GARING pro ala na si gebz eh... so eto, ewan, nabubuhay nlang.

Anyway, i've been building a wall around me, to keep people out and to see who cares to break it but nah, im a loner and it's kinda ok. Im used to it. Better than to get hurt... Ive given a shot at love but nah, maybe SOMEDAY, maybe NEVER...

Im just getting thru life, as if Ive a choice anyway. Its just that Ive been through so much that im numb with feelings.Numb or either i just don't want to feel the pain(again) Pathetic but TRUE and i've lived thru it for almost a year now so why not continue?

Im just not sure if id be able to survive another one so i've decided not to be in one so if ever anybody's interested, i's better tht you stay away or like maybe just state your intentions so we can set limits =)

anyway... let's just see...

numb

Sigh... I'm numb (finally...)
I just got the last straw and that was it. I've had enough. Trusting people is a big issue for me, with intimate relationships i mean. I just can't... I've had it. They're all enough for me.
I just haven't met anybody who could really stick to the person they say they love. I mean for me, Love entails loyalty, fidelity and commitment. Its just impossible to serve two masters at the same time or say like if ever, that the treatment would e like EQUAL. There'll always be someone who's gonna be on top. That can never be for me. I just want to be THE ONLY ONE and it's so hard for people to commit to it, to even keep it. I just can't see why loving is like that for some people coz it never is for me.

And because of this, im vowing to my single life. So what if i'll cry every night coz i wish somebody to love me, hug me and stuff. It'll still be the same anyway if i ever get to be in a relationship. People cant keep the stuff they say. They even forget to comply to a dinner they've kept on saying for some time, what more something that they say they'll keep forever.

I dunno, i just don't feel anything now though i'm opening to spending time with somebody. It's more like a play for me. Acting, role playing and stuff but feelings? I don't feel em anymore. I finally suceeded to shut my door and i'll keep it closed as much as i could. There's just nothin to lovin but disappointments and tears and pain so why love again? I can go be with people who'll treat me special anyway, I can just act and let them feel theyre special to me too to maybe keep it goin bout it's all for show. Like they'd be affected anyway...

Oh well, i'll just be livin me life.

meet me

change change change again
who am i really... Hmm i dunno, i still am at a process of getting to know myself and it's so interesting haha

Anyway, first, i know i'm a she-male.. There's nothing feminine bout me, except maybe with my clothes and that's it. I mean i prefer rock/alternative music compared to pop/r&b, i like cars and anything with wheels in it, i prefer to sit and chill than to pretty meself up and i even like to ogle girls... OMG! haha I am very straight but that's really the MAN side of me. I'm so iffeminate and ive problems with the woman being submisssive and meek. It jst goes against the way i was raised. Ive been very independent since i was 8. Im jst rly used to doin stuff my way and doin it at my own terms that's why i so so hate authority.

And i've masks, people do see me as bubly and very very talkative but really it's not really who i am if you dig deeper into me. As they say, a clown smiles to hide his problems.Im just so deep that even i wouldnt wanna dig that far. Who would want to uncover patheticness anyway?

Hmmm... oh yeah, I can be really nasty too esp if im beyond my limit of being nice. Believe me, you wouldn't wanna be in my way by that time.

and i love doing things i've never dome before. I just want to make most of my life. Ive lived a life of regrets so now that im kinda over em, i promised not to do it the WHAT IF's agn. That sucks!

Oh well, that'd be all. If you wanna get to know me then get to know me...

Who i'd like to meet? Hmmm a person whom i can spend my time with doing stuff that i & the other person likes, be him a lover or a friend.

Ive kinda had enough with relationships. They don't work anyway! I haven't met the asshole who's willing to stick with ONLY ME anyway. How tough is sticking to just one person anyway that people can't do it? and people would even say that they're sick or fed up with the other person, that they know them that well thats why they go look and get to know somebody else, WTF! haha I don't even know myself that much even when i lived with just me as company. I even get to uncover stuff about me that i never knew was there before. (That's such a pathetic excuse, make another one!)

And ahmm i do have this big wall separating me from other people. i mean i got hurt Godamnit! what do you do to a plant that everybody steps on? U build a wall to protect the plant and that's what I do, did! Duh...

Im a loner though i wain that IM SO LONELY but I'm a loner. Well face it, i'd rather b alone than be with people who cant keep their hands to themselves or even them dimwitted people who doesn't have anything to talk about or people who do stuff which aint fun for me. I mean I don't really associate myself with people who has nothing to do with my life anyway. believe me, we're both doing ourselves a favor =)

basta, that's it. The only person who i really wanna meet is the person who can make me the happiest woman in the world, that guy who can sweep me off my feet, take care of me, Love ONLY me and BE with only me. If it's you then what the heck are you still doing reading this? COmE Rock My WoRld!!!